need advice about irresponsible wife

lonelyinlondon · 2016-04-30 19:18:19

Hi, I dont know if i've come to the right place. All i know is i dont really know where to go and hoping someone can advise me. even if it's to shake me to tell me i'm being silly. my marriage with my wife has been in decline for over 5 years. i've tried many times to address the problem, suggesting we go to marriage counselling, etc. There's no intimacy and it feels like she has no desire to fix it. I've attempted to liven things up from time to time, each time we have an argument, she accepts she's neglectful, things pick up but then go back to normal. it feels like i'm the last person in her list of concerns. we've even argued on holiday where we had time alone, she would prefer to do other things rather than spend the time with me. We have 4 kids, all young. Now I understand that she's busy and tired a lot. And for that reason i try not to add to her list of things to be concerned about. and i try not to appear needy. but i'm just tired of not feeling like i'm part of her life. Anyway, that's the background to a marriage that's feeling less and less of a partnership. I dont even consider it an emotional emotional relationship anymore, more like we're going through the motion as parents. Something happened today which took all my strength not to flip out. I'm not in any way a violent person and have never struck her. I dont get into physical conflicts, full stop. but today was the first day i honestly felt like hitting her and letting out all of my anger. I felt terrible for feeling this way. I take the kids to school every morning. While they're getting ready, i'm getting ready for work. I drop them off to school and head straight to work. My expectation is that she gets them ready. I know its difficult doing that with 4 young kids but it's also difficult to have to deal with constant late marks when they get in late each time. every morning is much the same routine. she harasses, bullies, shouts, swears, at the children, lays guilt trips on them, all sorts. Each time i think to myself, had she woken up earlier, had she planned breakfast better, had she got their school bags and sports kits ready the night before, had she done some kinda of planning and got into a routine, none of that would be necessary. but each time i mention it, i'm told that I'm not doing enough and that i should help her more. I cant help feeling that it's not help that she needs, but some sense in planning things rather than constantly reacting (this is a common theme with her - always losing important letters, always missing appointments, always late because she didn't plan her time, paying late fees on credit card statements, etc, etc). I've given her ultimatums. if she doesn't get them ready to leave on time, i wont take them. i've never not taken them. even when they're late. all i do is grumble and threaten again. this morning was the first time iI'd had enough and said i wasn't taking them. It's a saturday, so not a school day. they have saturday school which we pay for. They were late, as usual due to her not waking up earlier, she was swearing at them as usual, blaming them for being late when she was the one who was at fault. I finally had enough and said i was leaving (i go to the gym after i drop them off at saturday school). i accused her of not giving a shit (she's not the one who has to deal with their lateness) and she accused me of not giving a shit - even though, despite everything, i'm, still there doing the school run. anyway, i left, angry and frustrated. when i got home i discovered she'd sent my two young children on their own! This got me so pissed off. After everything, i never thought she would actually put our childrens safety at risk to spite me. i've already seen her project her faults onto them. blaming them constantly when she's the one that makes them late. now to put them in an unsafe situation, when she' s actually angry at me (not that i think it' s reasonable for her to be angry at me!). Now i dont know what to do. after i cooled down (and picked them up at the end of saturday school) I told her i'll get them ready for school every morning. I'll wake up earlier to do it. I just dont want her ever to do something like that again. but it's not a solution. because it's really the last straw for me. I dont want a divorce because i dont want my children growing up in a broken home. but i also dont know what to do otherwise. I'm tired of her irresponsible behaviour. I dont know how to address it without it devolving into an argument. I was hoping someone could advise me? maybe they've had similar issues? Or maybe i just needed to tell this to someone. I dont know. All i know is i'm not happy and i worry for the safety of my children. whenever we'd hear about a couple that got divorced and the wife used the children to get back at her husband - she was always looking at her with disgust that any mother could do such a thing. Right now, i wouldn't put that behaviour past her. I've asked her to speak to a therapist but she's unwilling to. any help and advice or even just sympathetic ear would be much appreciated. I appreciate you're all just getting one side of the story. i cant tell her side, only what i see and feel. thanks.

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