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Emotional Affair ... the what's and whys

(16 Posts)
Kelsoooo Sat 30-Apr-16 18:46:55

I see quite a few threads on here about emotional affairs, and last night I talked about them with my DH (neither of us are having one, but I asked what he considered the parameters of one would be)

So now I'm curious... What would you consider one to be? Are there any defining points?

Would frequent texting between a male and female whom are both in relationships with other people count as one? Or is it the content that matters?

I'm just interests I guess. Being friends with males as much as females, I keep the "if you have to delete it... It's wrong" ethos in mind..:

TheStoic Sat 30-Apr-16 19:43:01

Content definitely matters - anything romantic or sexual obviously crosses the line.

But I think anything that takes away from the primary relationship and shifts it to someone else (who could be a potential romantic interest) is on the slippery slope.

For example, sharing work worries or family worries or even good news with a third party when you previously would have shared that with your partner...is not a good sign.

Kelsoooo Sun 01-May-16 08:52:04

So everything should be on a superficial level? Or is that too strict? Is it more, if you share them with the third party first that you've crossed the line?

TheStoic Sun 01-May-16 09:26:00

Everyone will have their own line.

I think it's about who your instinct is to turn to first with significant things.

viridus Sun 01-May-16 09:35:16

An emotional affair is still an affair, a physical affair is still an affair - same thing.
It doesn't happen instantly so there is no excuse.
Run, run, run from affairs.
As a Christian a marriage vow is for life because it protects the wronged woman/man, in the circumstances where there is adultery.

RaeSkywalker Sun 01-May-16 09:45:59

My friend had an an EA with someone we both work with a couple of years ago. They had lunch together every day, alone (didn't want to be interrupted/ joined), texted constantly outside work, and, crucially told each other what was wrong with their relationships rather than telling their partners. She knew that he didn't love his wife any more before his wife did.

I was talking about it with her the other day (they've since fallen out), and she said she didn't understand how the whole workplace knew what was going on. I told her it was just a 'feeling'- so if I went to make a coffee and they were there, I felt like I was intruding on a date. It felt secretive and a bit grubby. And she used to lie- we'd be out, he'd be texting her, and she'd say it was her mum.

Final confirmation for me was that my friend now has a new partner and has dropped EA bloke like a hot potato- because it would be "unfair" on her new DP to continue with it. So they clearly weren't just friends.

Kelsoooo Sun 01-May-16 13:10:39

I know a couple like that actually.

I guess you just "know".

As a couple with friends of varying sexes on both sides I guess we would know when a line had been crossed.

This isn't just me looking for gory details. I'm genuinely interested because I see some friends acting weird with their "friends" and wasn't sure if I was just being... Prudish?

lavenderhoney Sun 01-May-16 15:40:29

What did your dh say, op?

IWILLgiveupsugar Sun 01-May-16 15:50:04

For me it is doing anything you wouldn't want your partner to see/know about or would feel uncomfortable about if they were the ones doing it.

It is leaning on someone else for emotional support, sharing secrets, discussing aspects of your relationship that are personal and that your partner would feel is disloyal. In short, transferring emotion outside of your primary relationship.

Spending time and flirting with someone you'd like to shag.

Rainbowlou1 Sun 01-May-16 15:55:26

My husband did this to me...he minimised it all, claimed she was just a friend.
I asked him to tell me honestly if I had been with him when he met her would he have behaved the same way, if I walked in on their conversation would I have been happy about it, would he have happily shared the texts they sent and would he have shown me his reply to a photo she sent him...
his answer to all of that was no.
To me If you need to lie and keep secrets you're pretty much betraying your oh

Seeyounearertime Sun 01-May-16 16:02:01

I think k I would dra the line at discussing things with someone else that you should but aren't discussing with your partner.

Say if a man and a woman are having marital issues and the woman goes and confides in another man etc, it just sort of invites that man to comfort the woman (be equal if a man was discussing things with a woman)
Really the partners should be discussing their issues with each other.
Does that make sense?

On the other hand, they should never say anything that they wouldn't want their partner to hear or see. As soon as something is said that they feel the need to delete or hide incase their partner sees then I'd say that's a trust broken.

FuckoffJournoScum Sun 01-May-16 16:59:37

If you wouldn't want your partner to see/hear/read/do what you are doing then it's crossing a line.

I think if you are having a rough time confiding in a friend is fine but you need to make sure that if the rough time involves your partner you are also talking to them as well.

ShebaShimmyShake Sun 01-May-16 17:03:32

They're strange things. On the one hand they arguably are less dangerous than physical affairs because there's no risk of disease or pregnancy, and none of that horrible invasive feeling of "they did it in my bed, she wore my dressing gown". On the other, they're arguably just as bad or worse because of the difficulty in assessing the boundaries of what's happened, and the feeling that you're not allowed to be upset or angry or feel betrayed because TECHNICALLY no sexual acts physically took place.

Kelsoooo Sun 01-May-16 19:35:55

lavenderhoney his opinion wasn't dissimilar from mine.

Wonkydonkey44 Sun 01-May-16 19:51:24

For me it would be my dh texting another woman to be flirty , discussing our relationship with another female, asking for pictures,
Then deleting all messages and denying all knowledge if asked 😁

Donge13 Sun 01-May-16 20:53:30

Anything that is secretive and sneaky.
Such as deleting text messages

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