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Please can someone give me some advice...

(10 Posts)
Firemansamsam Sat 30-Apr-16 10:06:22

Me and dh are really not good, been rocky a while now. He tries and I just wake up and think of something and that's it I question our whole relationship and I end up making us both feel shit. Around a year ago he was constantly looking at a person on fb, searching her everyday looking at her photos. I realised her photos were quite 'sexual' so I looked her up on google. This girl is an adult worker near where we live. We had the usual bust up, crying etc he said he didn't want to sleep with her just looking. I looked on his phone she found deleted messages from her from Around 18 month ago he claims it was absolutely nothing. Now I tried to forgive and forget but every time we go to have sex I can't get it out of my head, all I see is her. I wake up and think about it I look at myself and just feel deflated. I'm lonely, I have no one. I keep telling him we need to call it a day. Am I overreacting? He tries to help me but I'm just really insecure and down

Offred Sat 30-Apr-16 10:13:25

No, I don't think you are overreacting. I think he has most likely slept with a prostitute and is gas lighting you - your reaction to that is the reaction of a normal person.

I agree you should call it a day whatever has happened (you won't get the truth) because you don't trust him and you don't want to sleep with him and the relationship is eroding your self confidence.

Quatrefoil Sat 30-Apr-16 10:14:14

I don't think this is a problem that you need 'help' with or that it is any way your fault. The only way to save your marriage is by your H coming totally clean about what happened with this sex worker and the exact nature of his text conversations with her.

You say he 'tries' but really he is minimising the effect his infidelity (imagined or real, doesn't matter either way) on your relationship and successfully shifting the blame back on you.

This isn't your fault. Anyone in your situation would feel as low as you do. Honestly, I think either he needs to be completely honest about what went on (and how will you ever know if you have the whole truth? One thing is for certain: you don't have it now) OR you need to end the relationship and work on your own happiness.

flowers I think you have been treated abominably.

Firemansamsam Sat 30-Apr-16 10:26:30

He will not admit anything was done or said inappropriate. No matter how hard I push it. I feel I'm getting no where in my own mind and I just keep feeling shit constantly and I really don't trust him, I think constantly he's doing something he shouldn't. I just feel so alone, if we do go our separate ways I will be even more alone, I have no friends. I just have the kids and he says he's taking our furniture with him sad

Offred Sat 30-Apr-16 10:29:16

So he's going to leave the children with no furniture?

What a dick. He can't even be arsed to threaten you with taking the kids, just the sofa... <sigh>

I think you know it is over and I think you should maybe speak to women's aid as I suspect this is the tip of the iceberg of his behaviour towards you. sad

WellErrr Sat 30-Apr-16 10:38:23

I don't think you have a problem.
I think your husband has been sleeping with a prostitute and you are understandably unwilling to just accept this.

But you can't get past it because he's gaslighting you into thinking you're overreacting.

flowers

Joysmum Sat 30-Apr-16 10:42:49

How is him minimising his behaviour, not acknowledging your hurt, and threading to make yours and his kids life hard by depriving you all of furniture is him 'trying'?

He doesn't sound like a person I'd be wasting my life on.

Firemansamsam Sat 30-Apr-16 22:20:45

We both get on well and laugh and joke we really do and he really wants to make it work but I sometimes just can't function properly? Our sex life Is dire, he's lost a bit interest with working a lot and he finds it hard to get close because I push him away but I think he doesn't find me attractive because he doesn't have the drive he used to. I constantly feel down about my appearance, I've put weight on but I'm still only a size 12, before our last dc I was an 8. I know he's attracted to slim women. I feel like my own worst enemy, that I can't be happy. If we could just have a life with no sex life I think we could be greatly happy but I have a big drive compared to him and I constantly feel let down.

Firemansamsam Sun 01-May-16 08:49:43

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Topsy44 Sun 01-May-16 09:10:18

I am so sorry you are going through this. It is not your fault in any way.

Your oh has acted appalingly towards you. He has slept with a prostitute. That is incredibly hurtful for you. Anyone would feel the same as you do.

I doubt you have a higher drive than him. Hard to take but I imagine he is getting his needs met elsewhere. Again, this has nothing to do with you. It's not your weight, your personality etc., it is a flaw in him.

From reading, I can see quite clearly what a toll this has taken on your self esteem as it would for anyone.

You know the right thing in your heart to do. Best of luck.

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