Life is getting unbearable

[AndThisIsIt]

My DP is an alcoholic, I think he has a personality disorder (paranoid personality disorder) and I am starting to feel desperate... as he is incapable of offering any support just blame, paranoia and more blame.... it's a long and hideous story...
We are in an impossible situation... he made some bad decisions 8 years ago which have rendered him financially blacklisted (CCJs/Personal Guarantee called in/Bailiffs at the door...but not bankrupt as we couldn't afford the fee!) I started a business 4.5 years ago which he gave up work to join me in. His alcohol abuse, my severe PND and the arrival of DS2 (and being totally out of my depth) resulted in the business failing with significant debt. However in the meantime we became business partners with another couple (me & them) to give us another chance and so I didn't have to declare myself bankrupt. Our business is now gathering pace under the wing of BPs and there is a light at the end of this very long tunnel.
During the last few years I have really struggled to make ends meet... I have focused on the day to day & keeping the wolf from the door. Our landlord didn't notice or comment when rent went unpaid for 6 weeks...8 weeks... 12 weeks... in the face of everything else his silence made its importance slip down the list as I dealt with the loudest shouters and the most pressing needs (food/fuel etc)
We have now have rent arrears of £12,750. Which the landlord has now realised.
I had completely lost track of this. I cannot believe I have done something so utterly stupid and ridiculous... my children's home is now in jeopardy because I took my eye off the ball.
I don't know what to do now. This is such an enormous figure... I can't afford to pay anything significant towards it each month... if the business goes to plan I will be earning a reasonable salary by this time next year but until then we survive on housing benefits and tax credits... no income at all from business.
DP is blaming me completely and is convinced I have done this deliberately to get rid of him. He thinks the rental agreement is in his name and he will be solely responsible for the arrears (it's not - he isn't). I can't reason with him (drunk/shouty/horrible) and I don't know who to turn to.
I can't speak to my family as they all despise him and will not be helpful (other than telling me to LTB) and I am so utterly ashamed of letting this situation get so far out of hand - I thought we were maybe 3/4 months in arrears... not 17!!!
I know this is my fault but these arrears are not all in the last 17 months - they go back to 2012 - a month here, a month there... it gets worse last year when I was contemplating bankruptcy and paying off business debts but landlord never mentioned anything... I hope he will be understanding but why should he...

[AndThisIsIt]

Did I post in the wrong place? I was hoping someone might have time to read this and give a little advice/support/roasting for being so wet...

[ricketytickety]

If he's drunk, verbally aggressive and unkind you need to find a way out of this. Call shelter...they can advise on what to do re. the rent situation.

[Thebookswereherfriends]

Didn't want to leave you hanging. Can't offer anything useful, except talk to CAB? It sounds like you have had a very tough time and are just trying to get along. I hope someone else will be along with more helpful advice. Good luck.

[ParsnipSoup]

I'm not sure I can offer much useful advice, but didn't want to read and run. It sounds like things are really stressful for you...

I think the first thing is to talk to the landlord and work out what you can afford to pay back.

Is your DP seeking help with his alcohol problem?

[AndThisIsIt]

Thank you all for posting - it took a lot to write this down and I was starting feel like it was a waste of energy/emotion.
I have tried Shelter - too late tonight. Will call tomorrow. Have text landlord to talk it over but no response... probably too late for him too.
No - ParsnipSoup - DP is not getting help.. he thinks he is fine. He did go to GP last year and was diagnosed with severe depression, took AD's for a few months and then gave up because "I'm fine now..." then his drinking escalated again...

[springydaffs]

The obvious point to make is: why are you still with him?

don't, please, say it's 'because you love him'. What kind of model is he, and your marriage, for your children? It's appalling you are exposing them to someone like this. Do you think you can save him?

To that end, take a look at codependency, research it Eg books by Eg Melodie Beattie. The reason you are in such a mess is because you are in an appalling relationship. Truly appalling.

Isn't it obvious?

[AndThisIsIt]

Because every time I tell him to leave he refuses to go. How do I make him go? Whenever I ask him to go he says he can't leave without any money... if I give him £100K he will go but otherwise he is staying to get his share of the business...
I do not know how to make him leave.

[ParsnipSoup]

Could you leave with the children instead? Is there family you could stay with?

[AndThisIsIt]

Not within reasonable distance of school/business. Also our home is full of my mother's belongings (furniture etc) I am frightened that if I leave him here then he will ruin her things.... it shouldn't be important but I am trying to minimise the impact on my DC and our extended family. I don't want everyone else to be splattered in our mess.

[springydaffs]

Go to a lawyer. First half hour free - they'll show you the ropes, how it would pan out (getting rid of him, that is). Remember that any subsequent legal fees can be paid in instalments over a period of time ie a payment plan - ask your lawyer. Go to many lawyers until you're satisfied - bear in mind he won't be able to instruct any lawyers you see so see all the lawyers in town .

Contact Women's Aid 0808 2000 247 (call at night, lines busy during the day) or your local Women's Aid. Women's Aid are THE experts on domestic abuse.

Do The Freedom Programme - find a local course here

Also get to al-anon - find local meetings here

Get your GP onside. If they are useless, find a practise that isn't. At least get this horror story documented with your GP for future (legal) reference. Also get your HV online and your children's schools (if appropriate).

You absolutely DO NOT need to be chained to this horrific man story.

In order of urgency, I would say approach this in this order:
Shelter
Womens Aid
GP, HV etc - in order to get this documented
Al-anon
Lawyer (with support from Women's Aid - who should give you a list of local lawyers who are experienced in Eg domestic abuse)
Freedom Programme
CoDA/read up about codependency

BIG list but you're in a mess. Sorry to be blunt. It's drastic time: you have to get on this. Do it for your kids if you can't do it for yourself.

[UpsiLondoes]

How long did you not pay rent - 6 months? A year? I'm a bit confused by the £12k - unless you pay 4,000 a month in rent, that's more than just not "noticing" you haven't paid rent for a few months. Also worrying if you're running a business. Have you sat down and gone through other stuff you missed? Could you see a charity next week that could help you go through everything?

You either deliberately avoided paying rent or you need serious financial help if you genuinely forgot to pay such an important bill. I think if latter, you need someone to look over everything for your.

[UpsiLondoes]

Sorry- I couldn't see part of your OP. 17 months - bloody hell OP - I think it's best you get help on the finances as that is a very worrying thing. You're obviously overwhelmed and struggling

[AndThisIsIt]

Is this domestic abuse? Aren't I just stupid for supporting him and enabling him to continue to drink? I don't think I can waste Women's Aid's time with this. It's a mess but he doesn't hit me... there are other people much worse off.

Thank you for the list. I will contact shelter tomorrow. I often think about the GP but more to help me cope. I used to take AD's after DS1 (PND) but haven't for 5 years. I do pretend to everyone around me that all is well so any massive action will be a bit shocking. I don't feel strong enough for Armageddon.

[AndThisIsIt]

There was a month missed in 2012, 3 in 2013, 4 in 2014 then 7 in 2015 and now 2 months missed this year... I always paid when I could. The landlord never noticed. never said anything. No mention of it at all... I had it in mind it was far fewer missing months... it was only when I sat down tonight and went through 4 years of bank statements that I realised. I knew it was bad last year but I also thought I would get straight and pay extra to get it sorted.
As for running the business my BP is an accountant and takes care of finances - I have learnt a lot but as I don't yet earn anything home stuff cannot be fixed yet.

[springydaffs]

Women's Aid - the clue is in the title. Yes they are the experts on domestic abuse but they Aid Women. You need aid!

But I'd also be very surprised indeed if you are not being abused - newsflash: you don't have to be hit to be a victim of domestic abuse. Re Coercive Control

Understanding controlling or coercive behaviour
10. Controlling or coercive behaviour does not relate to a single incident, it is a purposeful pattern of behaviour which takes place over time in order for one individual to exert power, control or coercion over another.
11. This new offence focuses responsibility and accountability on the perpetrator who has chosen to carry out these behaviours.
12. The cross-Government definition of domestic violence and abuse1
outlines controlling or coercive behaviour as follows:
 Controlling behaviour is: a range of acts designed to make a person subordinate and/or dependent by isolating them from sources of support, exploiting their resources and capacities for personal gain, depriving them of the means needed for independence, resistance and escape and regulating their everyday behaviour.
 Coercive behaviour is: a continuing act or a pattern of acts of assault, threats,
humiliation and intimidation or other abuse that is used to harm, punish, or frighten their victim.”2

“Not only is coercive control the most common context in which [women]
are abused, it is also the most dangerous” Evan Stark (2007) Coercive Control. How Men Entrap Women in Personal Life. New York:

Types of behaviour
The types of behaviour associated with coercion or control may or may not
constitute a criminal offence in their own right. It is important to remember that
the presence of controlling or coercive behaviour does not mean that no other
offence has been committed or cannot be charged. However, the perpetrator
may limit space for action and exhibit a story of ownership and entitlement
over the victim. Such behaviours might include:
 isolating a person from their friends and family;
 depriving them of their basic needs;
 monitoring their time;
 monitoring a person via online communication tools or using spyware;
 taking control over aspects of their everyday life, such as where they
can go, who they can see, what to wear and when they can sleep;
 depriving them of access to support services, such as specialist
support or medical services;
 repeatedly putting them down such as telling them they are worthless;
 enforcing rules and activity which humiliate, degrade or dehumanise
the victim;
 forcing the victim to take part in criminal activity such as shoplifting,
neglect or abuse of children to encourage self-blame and prevent
disclosure to authorities;
 financial abuse including control of finances, such as only allowing a
person a punitive allowance;
 threats to hurt or kill;
 threats to a child;
 threats to reveal or publish private information (e.g. threatening to ‘out’
someone).
 assault;
 criminal damage (such as destruction of household goods);
 rape;
 preventing a person from having access to transport or from working.
Oxford University Press.

This is not an exhaustive list

[AndThisIsIt]

right. Well some of it is right. For me.

My DC are great. I am very proud of them and am told regularly by school/preschool/grandparents how good/happy/well rounded they are. They would not be like this if things here were so bad? Would they?

[springydaffs]

I'm guessing you recognise some of that list op

Sorry for my urgency - I hope someone posts who is calmer. I'm horrified you have been taken captive by this awful man. You and your children

Step at a time. Really, just work through this one step at a time. As you work through Eg the list above you will start to see this more clearly. Plus Eg Women's Aid (and the Freedom Programme - did I add that to the list?) will give you a great deal of support - they are used to women in a dithering mess because of years of coercion and domineering behaviour from their partner. These orgs know the ropes and are very experienced.

BTW I also had 'severe PND' but it was actually Horrifically Abusive Husband Depression. I also didn't think I was being abused because he 'never hit me'; I also thought I was wasting everyone's time and that I was a fraud because I wasn't being hit. I can bet the minute you get him out of your life (and your children's lives) the fog will begin to clear and your depression will disappear like mist. Plus the chaos will disappear.

Step at a time lovely

[springydaffs]

Perhaps they're thriving because you are their human shield. (t-shirt)

Sadly, an environment like this does eventually catch up with them one way or another.

Anyway, you'll be out before long...

[RaeFesnick]

Definitely speak to Shelter about the rent situation. They have given me great advice in the past.

Reading your posts I would say you need to find some support for yourself first and foremost. You can't bottle all of this up and carry the weight of a housing problem, debts and an alcoholic partner without a space to to talk about it. I would say see your GP as they may have access to therapists/counsellors who can support you. I would also call Women's Aid and tell them about it.
They will almost certainly have some insights on your situation, particularly if codependency is an issue.

[AndThisIsIt]

Thank you springydaffs you are right, so horribly right. I have spent so long keeping on that I never take a moment to analyse it.
My family are ready and waiting to help. My business partners are ready and waiting for me to say the word and they will help me get him out of my life. I don't know why I am not acting. Why I keep on, keeping on. Like it might get better.

I remember a new friend asking at a baby group if I was planning on getting married (DS1 was tiny.. he is now 6.5) and my shock horror at the idea of marrying DP was so "funny" the entire group was in stitches... that's not funny really is it. I can't believe I have tried for so long. All I have done is create a much bigger mess with more people (2 DC not 1) involved. My only saving grace is that my boys love each other so very dearly and have an amazing bond.

[springydaffs]

Have a look at this

[springydaffs]

You do know how to cover your tracks, yes?

Is he tech savvy?

[springydaffs]

So glad to hear you have many people waiting in the wings to help and support you. That is priceless.

[RubbishMantra]

He's self medicating with the alcohol, instead of taking his ADs. He might think he's "fine now", but to cause so much misery around him - he's not fine. Well he might "feel fine", but his drunken/aggressive behaviour is not making you "feel fine" is it?

I think Women's Aid is a good place to start.

I can't comment on your DC, (having none myself) but children can adapt to circumstance (ie. this is their "normal) And I'm sure you've shielded them from his behaviour.

[AndThisIsIt]

Thank you. No he is not tech savvy...types a text with one finger.
I have my own log-in on the pc. Password protected (to stop children from having unlimited screen time you know).
Thank you for the thought though.

He is much older than me (18 years) and from another European culture. Very patriarchal and the fact I "run" our business is really irritating. I should be barefoot, pregnant and ironing his socks. He is a nice guy when he is sober. But he is so rarely sober. And being "drunk" doesn't seem to take a lot of effort...