Can't get over what my husband did

[Marj1978]

Last year I left my husband as I was very unhappy and had been for years. We were verbally abusive on both sides, but the last straw was when he called me stupid and lazy whilst my boys sat beside me. He is a successful entrepreneur and I was so angry that I made a claim on money from his business. I wasn't thinking straight. I had no idea how much money he had. But he had won 'entrepreneur of the year' and 'best performing business' in successive years. I thought he had a lot of money and I was so angry with the way he had spoken to me and treated me over the years ( he beat me badly and fractured my ribs on one occasion) Point is, when I left I made a claim for a very large sum of money. My head was all over the place and I thought 'why should I live on benefits for the time being and not be able to take my kids anywhere when he can give them everything?' After I left I would turn up at the school with the intention to collect them, take them home, make them dinner and do homework - then leave after they went to bed to avoid conflict. But in the first few days my husband turned up and took them away. He said my youngest had a dental appointment and I said I'd come too as his teeth were in a bad state. But he said no and drove off with them. Turned out there was no dental appointment and he took them to buy toys. I stood crying with some mums from the school as he drove them away. He continued to do this every day. When I went back to collect my things that Sunday, he said I couldn't come in nor see my children. I calmly said I wanted to see them and went upstairs. As I packed a few things he left with the boys and around an hour later he returned with the police. They said an order had been made saying I was not allowed to return to the house. I hadn't been informed as my lawyer had not yet received it. I was led away in tears and driven away by the police in full view of the neighbours. I asked my husband how he could do this and he just looked the other way and said nothing. Over the weeks I begged to see and talk to the boys. He refused. He wouldn't even grant me a ten minute call on Mothers Day. I bought special glasses to view the eclipse and asked that we all watch it together - he ignored me. Finally an order came through stating I couldn't see them anymore except for 3 hours a week 'supervised by his parents' I would turn up on time, bring them gifts and do my best to hold back my tears and make everything seem 'normal' On the first visit my normally unaffectionate older son sat on my lap and my youngest wanted on too. But before the next visits he would tell me they were scared of me and I shouldn't come. One time I turned up anyway and there was no trace of any fear.

I cried every day for my kids. My husband had lied and there was nothing I could do - it would be months before the courts would here my case. I asked every day to see my boys - I admit I bombarded my husband some days. He said to stop or he would deal with it via his solicitor. I sent a few more messages and then, that Sunday, the police arrived at my parents house. They said he had made a formal statement and detained me. My husband lied and said I had threatened to have him beaten up. He also said I had chased him up the street screaming at him, but in fact I calmly walked away from him when he started to shout at me. I tried to obtain CCTV footage to show this was the case but it had been erased by this time. At the police station I said yes, I had sent a good number of messages and emails but that they were always polite and I was only begging him to let me see my children. The police acknowledge this but said that due to the volume of requests I was under arrest. I was handcuffed and put in a cell for two days. My father requested that I be put on suicide watch.

After that I was scared to request to see them again - and my husband had already said they never ask about me anymore. In all, I saw my precious boys for 8 hours in 5 months. At a child welfare hearing I was told I would see them for two hours a week in a depressing contact centre and even that would take a few months to organise. I arrived at the court with a bulging folder with almost 30 character references from friends -some of whos kids I had babysat frequently. They were police officers, a friend who worked on a childrens panel, many 'pillars of the community' . I printed out letters to the judge which took me hours to write. I included photos of many good times with them, plus the room I had spent hundreds of pounds on at my parents house to create a good environment for them when they came to stay. The judge wouldn't look at anything.

I was crushed and also would face trial the following week for 'stalking' my husband because I begged to see my children. Having been told they didn't ask about me anymore and knowing I would see them a few hours a week I didn't want to go on. I cut my wrist and was hospitalised. My husband did not know about this.

One week later - after the stalking trial - I received a coded message from him asking to talk. Knowing I was not allowed to contact him I ignored it. I believed he was trying to trap me. He then sent a friend request on facebook but quickly deleted it. Over the next few days I received a number of withheld calls. I answered once but then quickly hung up when he said it was him. I was terrified of being arrested again.

After I realised he wasn't going to do this I spoke to him. I was in bits. He asked to see me and said I could see the boys again. When we met he cried and kept trying to touch my hand but I wouldn't let him. He said he was so sorry and was angry that I left him and wouldn't go back to him. I knew that he had refused to let me see the boys because I had made a claim on his money and he was punishing me.

I did however get back with him, but he took screen shots of images of my cut wrist and sent them to his phone. He also told his Dad what happened who said 'let her dig her own grave'. He kept hassling me to sign a post-nup surrendering my rights to anything off financial value. However at the same time, he continued to apologise and did treat me like a princess - taking me for meals, taking us on holiday 4 times within 5 months.

I found it difficult to make love with him after a while, because the memory of the pain I caused made it difficult to be touched sometimes. But I bought lots of lingerie to please him. Sometimes I would tell him to 'get it somewhere else'. I was just so angry about what he had done. Unfortunately I found out that he DID get it elsewhere - with a Russian woman he had sex with in his office. He also took her to dinner, slept beside her in a room he'd set up in his office and took her for breakfast the next day. He admitted this after I found a text to another woman whom he told was 'cute and smart - his ideal type. He said he could have talked to her all night and when she suggested meeting at 4;30 one afternoon, he said 'can you make it 4? I can't wait to see you'

Some days I'm ok, others I'm not. On the bad days it's hard to get out of bed - and I drink too much at night. I have been no angel over the years, but I never thought my husband could be capable of any of this. He now says he know's how much I love my boys, but some days I can't move on. I'm so grateful to have my kids back but It's such a struggle - with the memory of not seeing them, being jailed and now being cheated on. There are days when I just want to end it all.

I don't know who to talk to. My parents were abusive to me in the end - my dad hit and strangled me because he said he was sick of hearing about my troubles and I needed to develop a thicker skin. I'm embarresed to talk to friends as I got back with him when they knew what he did to me. I prefer the anonymous advice from folk on here.

Can anyone help? I'm lost these days x

[hellsbellsmelons]

Good grief. You have had an awful time!
I can't imagine what you are going through.
It's no surprise you chose an abusive partner when you were abused as a child.
It's a cycle and one you need to try to stop.
You DC may well become abusers or abuse victims themselves if the cycle continues.

Firstly call Womens Aid - 0808 2000 247. The number won't show on your phone bill.
Tell them everything and see what their advice is.
Ensure you talk to them about doing the Freedom Programme.
You need this for your self esteem and to understand abuse.

Next get onto Amazon and get THIS BOOK
It will also help you to understand the abuse.

If you ever get to the stage you feel like ending it, think of your boys and get in touch with the Samaritans. They won't judge and will listen to you while you unload all your troubles.

Try to detach from your vile husband.
Do you have separate room you can sleep in?
Could you consider co-habiting and nothing more?

1st stop - Womens Aid.

[Yoksha]

OP first off, your pain comes through your post. You poor love. I just want to fight your battles for you.

But you need to wise-up, and educate yourself. Yes yes to advice up-post. Excellent. Take all your mental energy and channel it into gathering tactics to deal with this vile human being. Please look after yourself. You don't need to "toughen up" you need to see these horrible enablers and poor excuses for "loved ones" as they really are.

[Yoksha]

Not ULovelt, but hellsbells advice. I see were you're coming from ULovelt, but I'm not advocating this as per my post.

[UptheAnty]

Oh FFS sake whatever you do don't contemplate anything ulove says above.

What a shockingly terrible thing to say to someone. I've reported your reply and hope it will be removed.

[Marj1978]

Thank you ladies - sincerely x

[firesidechat]

Ignore what ULoveIt said. I've rarely heard such rubbish.

[firesidechat]

I've also reported.

[hellsbellsmelons]

One small step at a time.
Every small step will a step further away from him.
Don't worry if you can't do any of this immediately.
Do this in your own time.
Your safety and that of your DC is paramount here so don't do anything to jeapordise that.
Do everything by the book or you'll dig yourself into a big hole and it won't do you any good.

I hope Womens Aid can help you initially.
They can certainly put you in touch with local support services.
They will help you with a LEGAL and safe exit plan.

[Toffeelatteplease]

Stop drinking, get help for this and i also wonder whether there is depression too. Talk to your gp.

THEN when you have medical support to show you are well start putting your other ducks in order

[tiredvommachine]

What country are you in, OP?

[Marj1978]

Yes Toffee, I was diagnosed with bipolar three years ago, but my psychiatrist said that given the situation at home, this might not be accurate and simply a response to severe stress. Don't know anymore! :)

[BolshierAryaStark]

Take the advice given upthread, got to say I really feel for the DC in this car crash, cannot be a healthy environment for them

[Toffeelatteplease]

You need to take a deep breath and read what has been written about your situation. Not to beat yourself up over but to treat as a shopping list of what you need to have documented in case it is raised again. You need to make sure these concerns become "historic" not "current."

If there is drinking in their you need to make sure you can show a long term commitment to rehab. If it is said that behaviour as a result of the bipolar you need doctors records showing a long term period of stability.

Yes LTB may well be appropriate. However I would have thought making sure you are healthy (and documented as being healthy) is far more important.

[Looly71]

Morning Marj. I've just read your thread this morning and didn't want to read and run. No real advice but I hope you're okay and have some friends in RL who can offer support.