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How to deal with a liar

(23 Posts)
Bettydownthehall Thu 28-Apr-16 11:36:35

I've come to the end of my tether with my DP.

He is an otherwise nice bloke, does his fair share of childcare, housework ect. Never been unfaithful ect ect.

The main problem is his inability to keep a job and the lies that go with this. We have been together for 2 yrs and have a baby. He has always been flaky with jobs but has had some periods of keeping a job so I always thought it would get better and like I say he is otherwise a good man.

I am on maternity leave at the moment but i am usually the main earner. So far he has been 'fired' from 4 jobs. I put it in inverted comma's as basically I will never know the truth. I suspect he tells me the version which shows him in the best light.

Yesterday he got 'fired' from his latest job. He already has two interviews lined up for today so i suspect he will be working again soon. The issue is I can't believe a word he says but can never really prove it. I have proved little lies he has told me before but i forget examples. But when we were arguing earier I couldn't really say what lies he has told me but I just know he has.

I have said I no longer want to be in a relationship with him anymore as I am driving myself mad questioning everything but I know I will find it hard to stick to this when I have no actual 'proof'. What if he is telling the truth?!? How do you deal with liars like this?

Toomuchinfo1 Thu 28-Apr-16 11:41:09

You can't really deal with liars like this (imo).

Once you have caught someone out lying, however small the lie, you will always second guess everything they say. it doesn't even matter if the lie is about what they had for tea yesterday - if they can lie about that, then they can lie about anything.

sorry OP - a bit of a negative post, but I have been stung before, and like you said - you will drive yourself mad trying to figure out if he is telling the truth.

trust your gut on this one.

Bettydownthehall Thu 28-Apr-16 11:52:58

It's so difficult to break up a relationship over petty little lies, but I can't carry on living like this.

OnceAMeerNotAlwaysAMeer Thu 28-Apr-16 12:02:49

Trust isn't petty. Trust in each other is bedrock in a relationship.

If your baby grows up, one day she's going to realise that her father lies to her and her faith in people will break. That's a terrible wound.

He lies to you and everyone else, right? Employers, etc? at its bluntest, why should his child be any different?

pallasathena Thu 28-Apr-16 12:06:06

Yes but petty little lies told time and time again result in you losing all trust and respect for someone - and that is healthy o/p.
If you're in a position where you constantly second guess what someone is saying to you and can't believe what they're telling you, what type of relationship do you have? Is it a relationship or is it something else?
Him constantly losing jobs indicates two mighty red flags that I've seen with work colleagues and family.
One, he's flaky and can't cope with being told what to do, can't cope with the day to day and the occasional drudgery of the working week, can't cope with not being in charge maybe. (I've a family member like this).
Secondly, he's used to 'being saved', by you as you always step up, pay the bills, sort everything out. Meanwhile, he can flit around taking no responsibility, telling lies he thinks will keep you sweet and on side.
No way to live is it?

Toomuchinfo1 Thu 28-Apr-16 12:11:53

I can't carry on living like this

I don't blame you OP. in time (if not already) you will find yourself checking everything he does. I didn't recognise myself when I was going through a similar thing. any chance I got, I would be checking his call log, going through his wallet, through his fb account. I didn't even know what I was looking for in the end.

sorry to talk about my own situation, it's just your post really does remind me of myself. I know it is tough, but just imagine if you took all that doubt and stress away. you will feel like a massive weight has been lifted from your shoulders.

Bettydownthehall Thu 28-Apr-16 12:13:11

You are so right. It is way more than just lies. He won't see it like this though.

AriaTloak Thu 28-Apr-16 12:17:46

Petty lies isn't lying about work, that's large lies.
I would assume you're entitled to Tax credits etc? How do you keep them up to date when he is constantly in and out of a job?

Never knowing whether your OH is working or not or not having a clue what actually goes on when he gets "fired" is not a way to live.

You need trust

Summerlovinf Thu 28-Apr-16 12:39:04

I've got no time for liars and my instinct is to say LTB. I suppose though, if he's already got job interviews lined up and confident he's going to find other work then I'm guessing he's involved in the kind of work that is 'easy come, easy go'. You could try leaving him to it on the work front as long as he's bringing in the bacon.

Bettydownthehall Thu 28-Apr-16 12:45:27

I'm pretty confident he will get work again quickly. He only had another 6 weeks before he was going to stay at home while I went back to work. I have other children and a job that will involve long hours at short notice so if he leaves then me continuing in my job will not be possible.

MsMims Thu 28-Apr-16 12:55:47

How does he get references for the new jobs?

You don't have to prove to him that you've caught him out, he knows it and so do you. Continuing to gaslight you is a form of emotional abuse.

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted Thu 28-Apr-16 12:58:38

He might get work quickly but has proven he's unable to sustain it. Looks like he's angling to be a permanent stay-at-home Dad. Is that what you want, to be the sole breadwinner for the foreseeable?

Summerlovinf Thu 28-Apr-16 12:59:45

You can get a child-minder or nanny? Much less hassle and less costly overall

Wuffleflump Thu 28-Apr-16 13:12:09

Lies are the one thing I can't handle in a relationship. The only rows I had with DP early in the relationship were about lies he told, and got caught in. Stupid lies about stuff I didn't care about, or were perfectly solvable if only he was honest.

Based on my reaction I think he understood how important it was, and it hasn't happened since (or he's got better at lying!). He knows me better now, knows he can talk to me and doesn't need to worry about how I will react to bad news. He also knows how much trouble he's in if he gets caught again.

But I've always been consistent about it. There have been no other big arguments, because there was nothing else we couldn't talk through. You can't solve anything with lies.

I couldn't stay in a relationship with someone I couldn't trust. It undermines everything else.

RhombusRiley Thu 28-Apr-16 13:33:45

I have recently ended my relationship with a habitual liar after 18 years. I just want you to know I understand how hard it is to live with this. flowers

For so long, my XP would not even admit he was lying, even though his lies were so bloody ridiculous and obvious. It would drive me totally up the wall and caused loads of bad arguments. But, like yours, he was "lovely" and we had fallen in love and got on so well, had great times etc. etc. I just couldn't see the point of his lying and thought if I made it clear enough how much I hated it, he'd stop.

Through much discussion, counselling, etc we have made some progress. He understands now that he does it, and why – because he has to be Mr Nice Guy and he will lie about anything to make it seem as if he's in the right and a good person (ironically - when it's the fecking lying that pisses me off more than anything!) It's an automatic, kneejerk reaction and quite often he totally convinces himself of the lie - even when it's completely stupid and anyone could see it's not true. After me objecting and an argument, he'll eventually own up and apologise. That is progress but he hasn't stopped doing it in the first place, and tbh the effect it (and some other selfish and insecure behaviour) has had on me is irreversible – I just can't trust him or feel attracted to him any more.

Even now, I have told him it's over and we are planning on getting separate homes etc and I know it's what I want, but I still feel bad and have my doubts over it because he is so "nice" and everyone will think I'm a bitch and he's hard done by, and each individual lie / argument seems petty. But it's not petty. Bit by bit, he's taken away from me any feeling that I have a reliable, proper partner – a "rock" like some people talk about. He may not have meant to but ultimately he's put his need to behave like that before my feelings.

You are right to get out, don't let it go on as long as I have. One thing I try to remember is that you don't need a reason to end a relationship anyway – if you're not happy, that's enough, you don't need "proof". So you don't need to get sucked into arguments. Try to focus on the most amicable break-up you can, and dealing with practicalities.

Guiltypleasures001 Thu 28-Apr-16 13:42:44

You go back to work and he becomes a full time cock lodger, he's been biding his time till you support him full time again.

Your wasting your life that of your kids yet alone money, having him bringing those kids up with his shit values and lack of respect for you all.

This will be your life your future, does it look good from there?

picklypopcorn Thu 28-Apr-16 14:18:40

He got not 1, but 2 interviews within 24 hours of entering the jobs market? Sorry, but not a cat in hells chance is that true.

DP lost his job 3 weeks ago with no warning, has been applying for jobs for the last 2 weeks and only now is he getting replies/ invites for interviews... it takes AGES for them to get back to you!

SurroMummy13 Thu 28-Apr-16 14:38:50

My DH was like this, one crappy job to another being fired every couple of weeks but since our DD was 8m he has been in a full time job, and now he is assistant manager.

Hopefully it'll turn out similar but you have to pull him on the lies. I used the line 'if you lie about little stuff, how can j trust you to tell me the Truth about the big stuff'.

It kinda stuck with him. Still every so often he gives me a small lie but I've learnt his 'tells'. I suggest you figure out the same. But do not tell him you know what they are

amarmai Thu 28-Apr-16 14:43:23

i lived with a habitual liar for long enuf to make 3 dcc with him. I went thru several stages before reaching the point where it was better to be a single parent and be free of him. he did affect my dcc tho . They are far more willing to lie than i am. Your dcc will also be affected , but if he is a stay at home dad he will have far more effect and you will be paying to keep him in this influential position.I hope for you and your dcc 's sakes that you will get free before he can claim maintenance and custody. The one i got sucked in by was very skilled at charming people. Is yours a charmer too? I think it's part of the liar package as people are far less likely to question liars if they like them .The charm stops abruptly tho when they see they have been outed. Yours has a goal in mind- being the sahd-so he's keeping up the lovely front.

Bettydownthehall Thu 28-Apr-16 17:27:16

Your posts are all very helpful thank you ❤️

There is no way I want to learn what his 'tells' are. That actually scares me.

He has made no attempt to come clean and continues to lie even though I have evidence that at least part of his story is a lie.

I have told him it's over but it's up to him to make the decision to leave ect. He is ignoring the whole thing. I feel too tired and too broken push for him to leave at the moment.

ArmfulOfRoses Thu 28-Apr-16 17:41:55

If you stay with him and he becomes the sahp then he will more than likely get residency of the youngest were you to split in the future.
Be very wary of making him the main carer if you have doubts.

OnceAMeerNotAlwaysAMeer Thu 28-Apr-16 17:42:18

Stop cooking, cleaning and washing for him (if you do). That'll be a good start.

Bettydownthehall Thu 28-Apr-16 17:48:47

He wouldn't take the baby, he has no where to go. I dont cook when it's just me and him anyway and I'm not sure I can be bothered to sort the washing into his and our stuff.

There is no way he is sleeping in my bed though. He will get the point then.

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