ExH sex offender - contact with daughter

[bizzybee1234]

My ExH is a convicted sex offender. I stood by him (God knows why) while he was in prison for over a year. He was arrested shortly after I fell pregnant, I stood by him during the investigation. Our DC was 5 months old when he was sent down. I discovered just before he was coming out that he had been cheating on me since before I was pregnant. He promised it was over. He was released, but I found out it wasn't over. I left him. I can't believe how many chances I gave him, as he didn't deserve any of them. He was a manipulative narcissist who just managed to talk me round every time.

Now I have had some distance I realise what a deceitful and nasty person he is. He has not apologised to me and somehow makes out that it is all my fault and that our marriage was rubbish from the start. It wasn't, and there are plenty of cards and happy times we had together that prove the opposite. He just says whatever comes into his head and suits the current situation. He also says that he couldn't have managed prison without me (I gave him a lot of financial and practical support during that time). I went back to work full time with a very young child, managed the house, the finances, everything (and still do). I have no time for myself whatsoever.

He wants to play a full part in our DC's life. Social services have forbidden him from unsupervised contact, contact has to be supervised by me (and only me) and he can't have physical contact during the sessions. This will not change until DC is 16.

I am torn between:
a) my belief that every child should have a good relationship with both parents; and
b) knowing that he will lie, let DC down, abuse DC's trust, convince DS that his sex offending is OK.

DC will find it hard enough when the realisation strikes that he is a sex offender and has harmed children in the past.

Plus I absolutely hate having to see him and be all cheery for DC's sake. It gets me down for a good week leading up to contact and for a week afterwards. I have no free time as it is and I resent having to "waste" my precious time on him.

What are your views? Would you stop contact all together?

[Lollylovesbones]

Is there a reason why can't contact happen at a contact centre?

[bizzybee1234]

I don't think a 2 year old should be left with people she doesn't know.

Plus there are hardly any contact centres that will accept sex offenders and even then, they will only offer you a handful of sessions. It's not a long term solution.

[RandomMess]

I'd make him pay to use a contact centre tbh - any reason why that can't happen?

[VimFuego101]

Presumably because the contact has to be supervised by OP. That said, it seems like the best option. Contact centers are wel practiced in dealing with parents who aren't able to be unsupervised around their children.

[dillydotty]

Most definitely yes. He doesn't deserve those children and they certainly don't deserve him.

In this case no father is better than the one they have. He is a danger to them physically and mentally.

[bizzybee1234]

He is also not allowed near other kids, so contact centre is tricky.

[StillAwakeAndItIsLate]

The LA is supportive of him having contact with your child?

How on earth are you supposed to stop a young child from having physical contact with someone with whom you are encouraging and enabling an attachment without causing them distress?

In your situation, I don't think I would support that contact. Do you have a choice?

I have a family member with whom the LA have said my children can only have supervised contact. I decided that that wasn't feasible and went for no contact instead.

[StillAwakeAndItIsLate]

It could actually be quite damaging to the child's sense of self if they bond with him and love him and then discover what he has done.

They could also resent you for exposing them to him rather than protecting them from him. I know you will have been protecting them physically, but what about mentally and emotionally?

[AliceInUnderpants]

I know this must be an incredibly stressful situation but you stood by him when he was convicted of sex offences? It sounds like you want to stop contact now because of the affair. Was he convicted of child sex offences?

[squeezed]

So sorry for you situation. Firstly you are thinking very clearly about this which is good. Ultimately as it sounds like SS are not actively involved, it is your choice regarding contact. If you don't want him to have contact then he can seek legal advice to have contact. Contact may be agreed formally but any risks he poses would be taken into account.
Is there a signed agreement with SS stating what he can and can't do? I mention this because if he wants to have a full part in the child's life, it will be difficult given the necessary constraints. A signed agreement gives clarification and boundaries. Would you consider a contact centre as an alternative?
If you were agreeable to it is there anyone else who SS could agree to as supervising contact? Maybe a family member?
If you are ever concerned then you can speak to SS but also police as he will have an allocated officer for the duration of the sex offender register.
Depending on where you live there may be local support to help with answering questions from your child, also NSPCC, Banardos.

[StillAwakeAndItIsLate]

One more thing, it could really undermine your child's sense of self worth too if they realise other children had to be protected from him to the extent that he could have no contact with them, but that this level of protection wasn't extended to them.

[bizzybee1234]

DC was only 5 months when he left. We visited him in prison, but there was a long gap after he came out and now she sees him every 2 months approx. He hasn't caused her any emotional harm (yet). But she is starting to notice that other kids have dads and wonders where hers is.

LA have said it's up to me.

If you don't mind, I would be interested in what you told your kids. DM?

[dillydotty]

Exactly, how do you explain to a child that they can't cuddle Daddy? This sort of contact is not in the best interests of the child. Any issues from having an absent father aren't going to be anywhere near the issues this inappropriate set up could cause.

If it was any other sex offender you wouldn't even consider this arrangement.

[Buzzardbird]

I wouldn't support contact if you have a choice. He is not a parent, he is a monster. Your child deserves better.

[BastardGoDarkly]

Fuck that. Both of you are better off without him.

[bizzybee1234]

My family are not local and never want to see him again. His family are not suitable.

Yes, it was a conviction for child sex offences.

I stood by him because he convinced me that what he did wasn't that bad. He said it was in the past and he had changed. I wanted to believe him. I was pregnant at the time and very frightened. The affair just highlighted to me that he hadn't changed, that he didn't love me and that he just used me to get through some tough times.

[Devilscelery]

Bizzybee, there is a charity called Lucy Faithful who might be able to give you some advice. Was in Internet related?

[Buzzardbird]

He sounds delightful, so not even remorseful then? Best keep your child away from him I think.

[bizzybee1234]

Luckily she is not a very cuddly child (with anyone else but me, my parents and one of her carers at nursery). But you are right. The whole thing breaks my heart. I didn't want to bring a child into such an awful set up.

He on the other hand seems to think he is hard done by, that it's all ridiculous and that I am unreasonable to stick to the rules the SS have laid down.

She will blame me at some point for cutting off contact, but equally she will blame me for letting her "fall in love" with a bad person. Damned if you do and damned if you don't.

[WellErrr]

Wow.

No. You do not allow a man convicted and imprisoned for sex offences against children, to be around your child. Father or not.

Of course it's not in her best interests to be made to spend time with a dangerous convicted paedophile.

You need to take a step back and get some perspective here. That you are even considering this is insane.

[WellErrr]

Yes buzzard I thought that too.

He doesn't think what he did was that bad? If it was bad enough to go to prison and to not be allowed to touch his own child, it was FUCKING BAD.

VERY VERY FUCKING BAD.

[forumdonkey]

Why are you even considering giving this man any contact with your child? Serious question btw. He's not allowed unsupervised contact until she's 16 and in all seriousness what do you think he will add to her life? I assume by that his sex offences were child sex offences?

[WellErrr]

She will blame me at some point for cutting off contact,

I doubt that.

[Buzzardbird]

He thinks he is hard done to, doesn't think he has done anything wrong, and will do it again. Don't let it be your child.

[VimFuego101]

Well if it were me I would feel that cutting off contact was the lesser of two evils, and you shouldn't feel bad if that's what you choose to do. What happens when she asks why he can't come to sports day or parents evening like other (even separated) parents do?