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I think I've upset DH.

(34 Posts)
validusername Tue 26-Apr-16 18:45:17

So today I've tried to have an adult discussion with DH about our sex life. I was trying to tell him I hadn't been feeling very desired and it was making me lose confidence. But I really enjoy sex with him and I wanted us to be able to discuss our feelings and hopefully get back on the right track.

Well he has gone mad. Called me a selfish bitch and a cunt in front of my children and has stormed out with some clothes and threatened to stay out for the night.

I suppose he may have taken it as a criticism of him when that's really wasn't what I was trying to say. I'm just not sure how to put it right again now, now it's been said I can in say it if that makes sense?

Seeyounearertime Tue 26-Apr-16 18:47:43

Called me a selfish bitch and a cunt in front of my children

Sound like you should be celebrating.

validusername Tue 26-Apr-16 18:48:52

Yeah I know, and believe me I won't be letting that one go. But he's usually so calm, I must have hit a nerve or something.

Uncoping Tue 26-Apr-16 18:49:17

Agree with above.

Don't make it right, turn your back and run like fuck.

PotteringAlong Tue 26-Apr-16 18:51:23

He was completely in the wrong to do that. But how on earth were you expecting to have an adult and detailed conversation about your sex life at 6.30pm with your children around?!

validusername Tue 26-Apr-16 18:54:03

He had been texting me whilst we were both at work asking why I had been a little cold with him the last few days.

The texts got a little heated, I stopped to get some bits for dinner so when I got in the door at 6ish he Srinagar away ripped into me, I walked upstairs away from him and he shouted up to me that "even when it's not totm you are still a cunt". Then he walked out.

validusername Tue 26-Apr-16 18:55:06

I was prepared to just leave it where the texts had ended and then continue discussing this evening when dc were asleep but I didn't get a chance to say that.

Seeyounearertime Tue 26-Apr-16 18:55:53

Here's what I think, it may be right or wrong but:

He's a man, you've dented his ego, his over inflated ego.
He's like a balloon that you've pricked and it is releasing. He's run away and gone "wahhhhhhh"

Thing is, do you want to be with a child who can't have a proper conversation about adult matters or do you want to be with a grown up?
You have done NOTHING wrong, he's stormed off with his tiny penis drooping between his saggy arse. He's expecting you to apologise and beg and text or call saying,
"There there, I didn't mean it, your an excellent lover really"
It's up to you if you want to pander and continue or stay strong, know you're in the right and wait for his apology, even if it doesn't come.

But that's what I think from the limited information available and of my experience with men.

Falling270 Tue 26-Apr-16 18:57:31

So you told him you didn't feel desired over texts? Probably not the most sensible way to approach a sensitive subject. How big are the problems with your sex life? Can you be more explicit about what "not feeling desired" means- is it that he doesn't initiate enough or is it the way he treats you in bed? The fact there was enough of an issue for you to raise it and then his reaction makes me think there's more to this that he isn't sharing with you.

WaspsandBeesSting Tue 26-Apr-16 19:00:44

So you told him you didn't feel desired over texts? Probably not the most sensible way to approach a sensitive subject.

I agree.

If I had been told over text I would be incredibly hurt that you hadn't at least told me to my face.

validusername Tue 26-Apr-16 19:03:10

Well he wouldn't stop pestering me asking why I haven't been myself so I just told him to shut him up really. I wish I waited til this evening but I would have got the same reaction anyway.

Of course I have bruised his ego, and he is having a hissy fit about it. I'm writing this now getting loads of texts saying how nasty I am, not that I'm paying any attention to them.

Our sex life is okay, he isn't the best of lovers if I am honest but I do enjoy the sex we have even if it is a bit predictable but to be expected after 10 years? He just doesn't seem that interested in me that's all. I know he loves me that's one thing I do know, he just doesn't want sex with me.

outymcoutymyself Tue 26-Apr-16 19:03:56

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

validusername Tue 26-Apr-16 19:06:31

Yeah I wish I hadn't now. Totally regret that as I should know it never ends well.

Cloudstasteofmash Tue 26-Apr-16 19:08:32

That exchange in your home in front of your kids is disgusting.

Do you usually speak to each other like this?

Fairylea Tue 26-Apr-16 19:09:58

Someone who calls you a cunt or whatever in front of the children is disgusting and abusive. Absolutely no excuse for that.

validusername Tue 26-Apr-16 19:11:13

No I wasn't expecting him to come out with that at all, it isn't our usual way of communicating at all. We usually have a very open and honest marriage and can talk about anything. Just not sex so it seems.

AnchorDownDeepBreath Tue 26-Apr-16 19:12:30

Are they his kids too?

The language was unacceptable. Starting this conversation via text was inadvisable. Your sex life sounds unbearable, to be honest. I'm not really sure what's in this for you.

validusername Tue 26-Apr-16 19:14:59

Yes they are his dc too. They are 6 and 4 sad

He can't really do face to face discussions, he will only talk through stuff with me over text or things get out of hand and he ends up calling me a cunt!

Ijustwannabreakfree Tue 26-Apr-16 19:41:44

I think OP has realised discussing via text wasn't the best idea, I think what she really needs to hear is that this is NOT her fault, she certainly did not deserve to be spoken to like that, especially in front of the children!
OP the way he spoke to you is disgusting, degrading and completely unacceptable. Doing this in front of your DC is emotional abuse, does this kind of thing happen often? You say he is not a face to face talker and he usually ends up calling you a cunt?

Cloudstasteofmash Tue 26-Apr-16 19:42:41

I'd actually take his vile out burst as a starting point on what to discuss first. The sex issue is actually secondary here.

I'd honestly reall have to think hard about raising my kids around a man that could speak like that in front of my kids. For me it's a huge issue. I bet your children were confused and worried and that's not on. He sounds like he was bombarding you with hate messages afterwards do is not even repentant.

Maybe he has no respect for you, that's why he paws you and you can feel that. It would certainly account for him speaking to you like that - bit it also shows he has no respect for his kids either.

Gazelda Tue 26-Apr-16 19:50:17

Your thread title is the understatement of the year!

In answer to your question, I think you have to text him to say that you're happy to have a calm conversation once he's apologised for his outburst and when the children aren't at home.

as much as the sex issue, and the disrespectful language to you, I think you both need to discuss how you communicate with each other - text and shouting won't resolve any discussion, let alone a conversation about important areas within your marriage.

FWIW, I'd be considering whether or not I could continue being married to someone who spoke to me like this. But everyone's relationships are different and have differing 'red lines'.

validusername Tue 26-Apr-16 20:12:15

Oh believe me I've been called worse, but I don't pay any attention to it. I'm not arsed what he says to me, it's the fact he said it in front of my school that I worry about. You're of course right in that he doesn't respect me, and I know that sadly.

I've left him to it and am being bombarded with texts about how horrible I am but he will calm down and stop eventually.

Cloudstasteofmash Tue 26-Apr-16 20:14:47

valid you sound resigned to the fact he behaves like this. I've been in a relationship like this. It grinds you down. It's not healthy for your kids love.

Why do you stay?

validusername Tue 26-Apr-16 20:18:50

Bloody autocorrect, school was supposed to be dc!

I suppose I'm just used to this behaviour. He took some clothes with him and a phone charger hmm. It's just what he is like. I've just ignored all the bullshit and put my children to bed instead.

Hassled Tue 26-Apr-16 20:20:34

This really is no way to live. He makes you feel undesired, when you attempt to discuss it he strops off with a load of insults and then keeps texting more. You've touched a nerve, certainly, but this isn't a reasonable or acceptable response.

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