Settle an argument

[ChuckItIntheBucketandMoveOn]

Have just rejoined having deregged after all the password hoo ha, shows my desperate need to be told I'm in the right

DH and I were both working today, I got home earlier. Kids (age 2 and 5) were playing in dc1 bedroom before dinner, seemed happy enough, left them to it. When they came down, asked them to tidy up which they did. DH likes house tidy, I don't really care as long as it's liveable, would rather tidy up once at 6:30 but DH likes it tidy at all times (relevant I think)

After dinner I get kids ready for bed, brush teeth, pyjamas and DH says he'll read story to dc1. He notices there are handprints on the mirror in the bedroom and gets a bit ranty, 'how many times have I told you (kids) not to touch the mirror'. Goes and gets window spray to clean it.

I ask him not to, to leave it and I'll deal in the morning as the stuff he uses has such a strong chemically smell. He cleans mirror anyway.

Dc1 doesn't seem to mind the smell so I suppose it doesn't really matter, but I can smell it from downstairs and hate the idea of him sleeping in there. DH said if I object to the clean smell, I could stop them touching the mirror in the first place.

I don't give a flying fuck if there are handprints on the mirror in a bedroom where it's not even really used as a mirror. If it had the chance to get and stay mucky, I would clean once a week but DH cleans it all the time.

DH does have OCD, is on ADs and trying to manage it.

I would rather not constantly clean but also don't want to be constantly nagging the kids, 'hands off the walls, hands off the mirrors, wipe your hands, no food/drinks in the living room, no shoes in the house, no bare feet in the garden' etc because I just don't care about these things.

So somebody please settle this for us. Were we both in the wrong/right? What do you do if your partner doesn't have the same standards of tidiness and cleanliness as you?

This has been written lighthearted by it is really bothering me!

[inastew]

Compromise where you can.

He daft to clean mirror though, as focus ought be to settle kids calmly to bed, so you in the right there for sure.

[bert3400]

I would be fuming ...strong chemicals in a child's bedroom is awful , especially if they are just going to sleep He has real issues with OCD ...he could at least used just vinegar .

[ImperialBlether]

If he wants to clean the house, let him. However, he's being very unreasonable to expect you to clean non-stop and also to use chemicals in a room where his children will be sleeping.

[CodyKing]

It would bother me that his priority is all wrong -

Does he want to be seen as a good father or a food housekeeper?

Too many rules will affect the children - I'd plump for a bit of peace and children playing nicely over a finger printed mirror -

I thinks he's very sad!! And selfish!

[Doinmummy]

I feel sorry for the children to be constantly nagged not to touch things ! He'll make them nervous wrecks poor things .

He's wrong , you're right .

[TurnOffTheTv]

I would normally say he's being a prick, but he's got a mental illness that he's struggling with so its really hard.

[slicedfinger]

Perhaps he could get an e-cloth to clean windows/mirrors so he doesn't need to use chemicals.

[ChuckItIntheBucketandMoveOn]

Ah, you're a wise bunch only saying that because it seems I'm in the right this time

CodyKing it is sad and I think he doesn't realise his behaviour and compulsions make him sad too! But not cleaning it would make him sadder. It is a very sad situation.

[ScarletForYa]

He's wrong.

[ChuckItIntheBucketandMoveOn]

We have e cloths and vinegar and things, that's what I generally use but I never ever get the opportunity to clean windows and mirrors as he sees handprints on them which I don't even notice and cleans them straight away.

I have read on here many times about women who complain that their men 'claim' not to see mess but I think that's me Our standards are poles apart. I can't even leave a book on a table without it being cleared away. He thinks if I leave clearing up after dinner until the kids are in bed it is the height of laziness. Things will get done but in my own time.

[Friendlystories]

No easy answer to this one, on one hand OCD is an illness and he can't just turn it off, on the other it's very unfair on the DC that they are affected by his illness and have to grow up not being allowed to make any mess or just be children. I don't think it's down to you being right and him being wrong but he does need to consider whether there's any compromises he could make to give the DC a bit of freedom. Does it upset him that his illness affects their ability to have fun and make 'normal' child mess?

[bakeoffcake]

It sounds like you make a lot of allowances for his OCD and that's great for him BUT he should recognise that you are altering how you'd like to live inorder to suit him.

Then he needs to agree that he won't spraying chemicals in the children's bedrooms, at all. It's really not on and if he can't see that he needs to go back to the dr and ask for some further treatment.

[ChuckItIntheBucketandMoveOn]

He says it upsets him but he doesn't know what to do about it. He tried CBT but didn't get on with it. The only time things actually change and he modifies his behaviours is when I really lose my shit and threaten to leave, which has happened twice. I know it is a MH issue and feel like a bitch but it is really really hard to live like this.

He hasn't always been this way and it sort of creeps up on you so that you don't notice how weird things have become until it's too late.

The sympathetic side of me wants to do all I can to support but not enable. The selfish part of me wants to shout from the rooftops that I'm exhausted and it's driving me fucking nuts!

[0palfruit]

I would be very annoyed by this. Sorry your OH is over the top.

[Doinmummy]

Can he go for some CBT type treatment before it starts to affects the children?

[Doinmummy]

X post op

[TheNaze73]

Has he always been OCD?

[ChuckItIntheBucketandMoveOn]

He and I didn't know he had OCD when I met him, he was always quite tidy but nothing like the extremes of how he wants to live now. As I say, the level has crept up over the years. When things happen really, really slowly you don't tend to notice.

When we met we used to sit and have a drink on a Friday night and put the wine glasses on the floor next to us and have cd cases strewn around. Now it's coasters and one cd out away before the next one is taken out. How I miss those days!

[goddessofsmallthings]

When do your dc get opportunity for messy play, what happens at mealtimes if they spill food/drink and what happens if their friends contravene any of your dh's rules when they're in your home? Did dc1 get a bedtime story and, if so, was that before or after the mirror had been polished to perfection?

I don't know how you stand it, OP as I know that I'd be far too concerned about the effect on my dc to live with a man who's continually nagging them and running around with j-cloths and chemical sprays.

[FearOfFlying]

I agree with you OP.

[ChuckItIntheBucketandMoveOn]

goddess we do messy play during the day when he's not here and I clear it up, though they also do it at school/nursery. If they spill food and drink it just gets cleared up which I'm guessing happens in most houses at most mealtimes but I still find it very stressful. Not so bad when it's the kids but very embarrassing when it's other adults like his parents or our friends, so we don't really have people round if we can avoid it

If the children are having friends for tea, I make sure that they have eaten before DH arrives home as it's not fair on them or him to have to deal with that level of anxiety.

Dc1 did get a bedtime story so all's well that ends well put on a happy face

[Baconyum]

I have ocd it became really bad when dd was born/toddler into everything... BUT I really didn't want it to affect her any more than absolutely necessary. Ai also worry about toxic chemicals around children and think it's perfectly reasonable for you to get him to at least use a vinegar/lavendar/citrus oil homemade spray. It's a selfish bastard of an illness. And a bully!

CBT didn't work for me, but some people find success using different types or different therapists, but as with all therapies the sufferer has to make an effort too. I have had some success with ACT, Mindfulness and guided meditation plus finding the right medication for me.

The dc are very young and IMO cannot be expected to not touch eg mirrors! That's actually somewhere acceptance comes in, accept that you can't control the world/what toddlers touch but that it can be cleaned tomorrow/later. That's slightly towards CBT too - living with the feelings they will dissipate.

Plus children actually need contact with germs. Dd making mud pies, running around in garden barefoot made me very anxious, but I knew it was necessary for her health and development.

[ChuckItIntheBucketandMoveOn]

Bacon he's tried mindfulness and a number of different ADs, but stops them when he thinks he's better and then goes downhill again. I know that children need contact with germs, and it sounds like you obviously managed to gain some control in order to process that you had to let things go in order for the children to be healthy and happy and this is what he can't seem to do. It sounds like you have worked really hard on this and I'm so glad you are winning at least some of the time. I know it's the illness but fuck, it's hard to live with from the other side too.

As I say, I have vinegar sprays and e cloths but he says if he's cleaning it, it will be his way, if I want it done my way I should do it first. But I don't want to be doing it all the time. Impasse.

[Baconyum]

In that case I'm sorry but the children's needs come first. He's not engaging with the treatment, he doesn't get to be at home, not a ltb bit when he's at his worst he needs to be elsewhere.

Also sounds like he's avoidant. (Not doing normal things so as to avoid triggers), which is necessary sometimes if very ill but only temporarily.

I would not be surprised if you were to say he says he's 'tried' CBT etc but he's not done the exercises at home/only goes to the therapy sessions, so essentially only paying lip service. It takes real work on his behalf (which OS why I get annoyed when people don't realise why I am so tired! )

[Baconyum]

Another tack to take and partly what made/makes me fight so hard to not have it affect dd...does he want them having ocd? It's partly genetic, partly learned behaviour, partly stress/depression linked and partly possibly a viral/brain development cause is what the experts believe. I wouldn't wish it on dd for anything.