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I think I need to leave - DP still won't divorce previous wife because of 'tax' reasons?!

(13 Posts)
Bananasinpyjamas1 Mon 25-Apr-16 22:34:20

I'm SO fed up.

We had our first counseling session today. I had to practically drag DP there. I've lived with DP for 6 years, he had been separated for 5 years previously. Said he'd divorce, 6 years later, still not. She lives around the corner. He goes to her house every day to pick up kids for school.

We have a child together with special needs, very young. He keeps being indecisive about us. Every time I raise a problem, he says there's no point trying if I am unhappy. I say, well, let's just sort the problem, we go around in circles.

Today at counseling, even the counsellor was exasperated and asked him to name one thing he was unhappy about in the relationship. He just said 'just unhappy' with no specifics. A few months ago, to win me back after I was again exasperated by his procastination over things, he listed all the reasons that was positive about us. But today he just said he saw no future that was happy, didn't think we could repair anything. Yet I know if I make the move to leave he'll suddenly remember what good things there are. Had enough!

Aussiebean Mon 25-Apr-16 22:45:26

Make the move to leave and then actually leave.

Things are good for him in the relationship so he doesn't need to change. He is just hoping you will put up and shut up.

6 years is a long time to invest in someone who obviously has no intention of investing in you.

Time to move on.

NotnowNigel Mon 25-Apr-16 22:53:16

Sorry, I agree with Aussie. He's playing a game because it suits him to have you dangling - it gives him a means of controlling you - its leverage.

What a twat!

The only way to end this is to end the rlshp.

TheSilveryPussycat Mon 25-Apr-16 22:54:15

Tax reasons?

TendonQueen Mon 25-Apr-16 22:56:01

Well, this can be one of the outcomes of counselling - that you realise you really are fed up with it all. And then at least you know. Whose is the place you live in?

ImperialBlether Mon 25-Apr-16 22:59:08

There are no tax advantages to not divorcing! I got divorced online - it cost hardly anything. If they agree on the split of assets, they can divorce very quickly.

But why did you have a child with him when he hadn't made that commitment?!

TheNaze73 Mon 25-Apr-16 23:39:17

I think everyone works at different paces, however he is streching it. I would get why he'd delaying wanting to marry again, that would make sense but, the tax thing is a smokescreen & totally bs

Bananasinpyjamas1 Tue 26-Apr-16 00:32:08

Yes, feeling like I need to move on. So totally fed up. Stretched to the limit.

I thought I was actually not being reckless with this particular relationship. He seemed very steady, good for his word. Very good with his ex wife, even she thought he was brilliant. He was sensible and supportive.

Easy to say now, not to have had a kid before this was sorted. He had, at the time, valid reasons but promised he'd have it done just after I moved in. He'd legally separated assets a few years before and sorted child stuff too, so I didn't think I was walking into an ongoing situation at all.

How wrong I was!

Bananasinpyjamas1 Tue 26-Apr-16 00:33:18

P.s. It's his house. I had a house but it's not nowhere I'd want to live again, and I cannot work for the next few years full time because of our special needs child.

Otherwise I'd move out tomorrow. A bit stuffed.

1stsignofspring2016 Tue 26-Apr-16 00:43:54

I get the impression he is keeping you and his ex sweet !

I would ask him to make a decision within a set timescale and stick to it

Tax reasons is just an excuse

I would move on and ensure he pays child support

Bananasinpyjamas1 Tue 26-Apr-16 00:51:14

Thanks, above posters and signofspring

Yes he likes to keep everyone sweet I think. He likes to be a good guy too. I think part of it is that he was totally trapped in his first marriage and now he is resistant to anything, and I mean anything, that has to be adjusted.

At least the counsellor was saying to him, 'Are you basing your future on finance then?' 'What exactly do you mean by being unhappy'.

He could not answer these questions. Although he did say that if we were fine he'd have sorted out his divorce years ago. Harsh!

I've kicked him out to the couch I'm so cross. I originally dragged him to counseling as I said we need to break up by summer if divorce not sorted. He knows I have nowhere to go, he should move out himself really?

1stsignofspring2016 Tue 26-Apr-16 01:05:21

If it his house it is unfair to make him move out

I think he needs advise from a solicitor how much the divorce will cost and how long it will take

Even then what is to say that he will decide to marry you ?

Ultimately is is his life, so his decision

Although it seems a little unfair when he has started a new family with yourself

You also need to decide what sort of future you want for yourself and your child

I think at the moment he is stretching himself across 2 families that is not ideal

Bananasinpyjamas1 Tue 26-Apr-16 01:14:40

I'd be happy to move out, I even tried a while ago, however no one would take me because I haven't a full time job and two kids. I have some capital in my house but would need to sell it, and even then it wouldn't be enough deposit on most mortgages.
And now I can't get a mortgage!
When I met him I worked full time and was independent.

His kids are mostly over 18 now, but he still takes them to college/Uni every morning. Does a lot for them. Our child does need a huge amount but I provide most of this, he works long hours. He is only like 3 and severe special needs.

I wouldn't want to marry him yet. I do want him to divorce though. Psychologically and otherwise it's dragging me down, feeling like an add on and not a partner.

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