Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

DH says he's doesn't love me anymore

(34 Posts)
enfru Mon 25-Apr-16 12:02:39

I've never posted before but need some perspective. Sorry this could be long.
For the last couple of weeks DH has been going out a lot- weekend at his friends, housewarming party, works do etc he said it was just a lot of invites all at once and that's just the way it goes sometimes. The trouble is he also started going to the pub to watch football as well. This means in the last 3 weeks he's spent 4 evenings at home while I've been alone with DS 8 and DD 1.
Last Tuesday he went out and didn't take his keys, again (he has a habit of not taking keys). It got to about 10pm and I started trying to get hold of him because I wanted to go to bed and couldn't because I couldn't lock the door with him not being able to get in (I could've done but then he would've gone mental). He eventually came home around half 11. I asked if he was going to apologise for yet again making it so that I couldn't go to sleep and he said he didn't care. He then went on to say he's been going out so much to get away from me, all I do is nag and he doesn't love me anymore. Oh and he's felt this way for the last 2 years.
Not once has he given any indication that this is how he's been feeling and not once has he tried to talk to me about my so called "nagging"
He's said he's leaving, but he's still here. Is now saying he's going to stay as long as possible because he knows it annoys me to have him here.
He's acting so cold and cruel I don't even recognise him.
The last 2 years have been tough, DD has been a challenge to say the least, she still wakes several times a night and is wild during the day. DH was diagnosed with depression and anxiety last year after months of him threatening suicide on an almost daily basis, but I stood by him without so much as a word of complaint.
Shortly before DD was born an old male friend got in touch with me and DH went through my phone and came up with the conclusion that at 37 weeks pregnant I was trying to start an affair. This has come up time and time again for the last 2 years and he won't even consider that it was the depression and anxiety disorder that made him come to that conclusion, not one message was even remotely romantic or sexual. If anything they were run of the mill how's your life going type messages.
I just don't know what to do, he's said all these things to me, hurtful, horrible things and yet then he's just here carrying on as normal. It's so confusing.
We have no joint bank accounts but do have a joint tenancy on our house. I'm so fearful for the future, I don't want to have to move but he's adamant I'm the one who should leave as he's the main tenant. My finances are a mess as I took out a loan to pay off both out credit cards when I was on maternity leave but then I couldn't go back to my well paying job as he wasn't well enough for me to be working 50 hour weeks and for him to have the kids. Chances are my credit score is now wrecked so wouldn't get approved for any sort of rental.
He holds all the power and knows there's nothing I can do. He seems so cut off from me all of a sudden and clearly doesn't care about me at all, in a way he seems almost amused by my anguish.
I just feel lost.

TheNaze73 Mon 25-Apr-16 12:23:08

What a horrible thing to have happen to you. He sounds like he has massive issues. No consolation but, it really isn't you.

JamesTiberiusKirk Mon 25-Apr-16 13:16:56

Is there anywhere you could go, family for instance, to get you and your kids out of that environment? It sounds horrific.

enfru Mon 25-Apr-16 13:23:13

Unfortunately not. All our family live in London and we're in the Midlands.

Guiltypleasures001 Mon 25-Apr-16 13:27:26

I'm sorry to say op but it screams to me another woman, he seems to be projecting his behaviour on to you saying your cheating or trying to.

Wonder if he wants you to kick him out so he feels less guilty about leaving, in fact I'de do just that to concentrate his mind and force the much needed conversation, are you cheating.

Good luck

enfru Mon 25-Apr-16 13:30:47

I've told him to leave but he won't, I've told him living like this is killing me and that if he had a shred of decency left he'd move out. He won't leave.

Hillfarmer Mon 25-Apr-16 14:09:07

Can you see a solicitor? If he won't move out, it might still be worth starting divorce proceedings now... may as well start the clock ticking sooner rather than later.

His behaviour is dreadful and pychologically abusive into the bargain. Depression or no depression, he deserves no sympathy for treating so badly.

Hillfarmer Mon 25-Apr-16 14:09:19

treating you so badly

CantAffordtoLive Mon 25-Apr-16 14:18:00

You need to get to the CAB asap and see a solicitor. Don't bother to cook for him or do his washing. This will likely get a lot worse before it gets better. flowers

Cakedoesntjudge Mon 25-Apr-16 14:23:32

What an awful situation for you OP! I think cantaffordtolive hit the nail on the head. Go and see a solicitor and the CAB asap, it will make you feel much better to know your legal position.

Have you tried pointing out to him that it is awful for the kids to grow up like this rather than saying it's awful for you? If he's being so cold and cruel towards you, when you say that he probably just revels in it but he might see it differently if you point out its no environment for children.

Sending you hugs and wishing you luck OP flowers

Sunshine87 Mon 25-Apr-16 14:24:18

The credit check for a rental is very basic you can have stuff outstanding and still be accepted for another house one loan won't affect this. If you are renting i would personally seek alternative accommodation with your DC. His behaviour will only worsen. I would wait until he goes out to make the move and take items you will need. You deserve someone better who's my going to pick you up and then drop you without a second thought.

enfru Mon 25-Apr-16 14:28:33

The trouble is everything in the house I paid for, I have no savings and don't want to uproot the children when this is their home.
I've told him it's not fair on the children to live like this but I also told him I didn't want the children knowing until he had somewhere to go as I didn't want them in limbo just waiting for their dad to leave one day. As it turns out yesterday he told our son he was leaving while I was upstairs. Understandably our son is now very confused!

NanaNina Mon 25-Apr-16 14:37:02

Sorry but another woman seems to be in the frame. Do you think so? He definitely needs to leave - how can he be the "main tenant" - do you work, or could you afford the rent. He will have to pay maintenance for you and the children. Think you need to see a lawyer. What a sod, telling DS yesterday - sounds like you'll be better off without him.

enfru Mon 25-Apr-16 14:45:41

It's possible. I saw some messages on his phone back in December to a girl he'd never mentioned before. I wasn't snooping, I picked up his phone to check the time and the message came through.
There was nothing incriminating as such in the messages but I got a sinking feeling when I saw them. I confronted him about them and he said it was nothing, she was someone from work but she doesn't work with him she works for an outside agency, he's never met her blah blah blah. I asked him to stop messaging her as quite frankly I didn't see the point in it if he's never met her then why carry on messaging. He said he had but in February I found out he hadn't. So there is a strong chance he still is involved in some way with her.

enfru Mon 25-Apr-16 16:06:56

I do work but only part time. The lettings agent said he's the main tenant and that's why they always phone him instead of me even when I've contacted them and they said they'll call back- they call him! I suppose there is no main tenant as its a joint tenancy. He's also saying the deposit is his when it isn't, I paid it just like I've paid for everything the 11 years we've been together.
I'm wondering if he's trying to push me to not love him anymore, maybe he thinks if he's awful to me then the break up will become mutual and he won't be the bad guy

Pearlman Mon 25-Apr-16 18:29:03

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mummaAJL Mon 25-Apr-16 19:49:47

I'm sorry hunny sad have you confronted him about there being another woman or about him telling your son?

StuRedman Mon 25-Apr-16 19:53:21

Urgh what a bastard. I'd be tempted to just change the locks while he's at work and chuck his stuff on the lawn.

crazyhead Mon 25-Apr-16 21:52:52

Would your family be able to help at all? You poor thing.

enfru Tue 26-Apr-16 13:51:36

I'd love to change the locks but I can't because we rent.
My family are in London but we're in the midlands so no ones nearby to help.
I've accepted what he's said and have tried to discuss what happens next. He won't talk about it, just says he will leave when he wants.
Who is this man? My husband and best friend have vanished overnight

Realitea Tue 26-Apr-16 18:13:46

It sounds like he could be going through some kind of break down. There are many reasons what it could be but you might not find the answers, which must be very frustrating. It can feel very lonely when the person you loved changes like this for no reason obvious to you.
If he's not willing to talk, I would start the mediation process.
You're in a joint tenancy - he's not the 'main' tenant in terms of law. You both are equally tenants. You could ask to have him evicted, it's worth a try.
It's very hard I've learned to get the other person to leave if you're married but starting separation procedures is probably the best step and mediation will help. It's possible you could get an exclusion order against him to keep him away but that depends on whether he's been mentally or physically abusive.
I really feel for you OP

Realitea Tue 26-Apr-16 18:14:33

Another thing, don't give him the power of deciding when he wants to leave - start the proceedings now and regain some power

mummytime Tue 26-Apr-16 18:22:47

Get legal advice, and CAB, and maybe even shelter can help. No one is going to want to make a mother andchildren homeless (apart from maybe your landlord, is he a friend of your DH?).

enfru Tue 26-Apr-16 18:44:39

The landlords are lovely, their daughter is in my sons class at school. I feel certain they wouldn't turf us out if DH leaves.
I've written down a list of things he has to put in motion now that he's said he's leaving, especially as he's told our son. I'll have to wait for him to get home to show it to him. He has 2 weeks from today to have something in place.

ImperialBlether Tue 26-Apr-16 18:58:11

Do your family have enough space for you in London?

Does he have family near you?

As soon as I started to read the thread I thought there'd be another woman involved, boosting his ego. I would be on the look out for that, eg disappearing for weekends etc.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now