Just split up with Dp of 4 years, complicated. Feel like I'm in need of some wisdom/support (long)

[LiesMyParentsToldMe]

Right. Been with my ex partner for four years, and we have 2 dd's aged 2.5 and 1. Long story short, it turned out he was a drug addict (amphetamine) was nasty and abusive behaviour (when on them). I asked him 2 years ago to stop the drugs after I realised. Basically, he lied and hid it from me till I found them, flushed them and he attacked me for it. Made ready to leave, ashamed to say after him begging and pleading for another chance with no drugs (he is like a different person off them). I stayed.

For 3months he has been true to his word. (I drug tested him, because if he had I knew hed lie) The first month everything was perfect, no problems. Great partner and dad. Then he started drinking as a substitute (I think) it increased from a couple of beers. To all day everyday. Apart from the evening, he was never drunk, but constantly tipsy. I tried explaining many times how the drinking was damaging the relationship, damaging himself (he went from generally happy, good mood to irritated/grumpy. Until he had a drink), stopped doing his share of housework, looking after our dd's. He said multiple times he needed to stop, but then just started after a few hours the next day and fed me excuses.

Anyway I left 2 weeks ago to stay with my sister. Unfortunately after a week he told me he wanted the family to work had stopped drinking, and I believed him and went back. Things were good for a few days. However after a week, things had ended up the same so I left for good. I was tired/fed up I'd had enough.

He came and saw the kids yesterday and we took them to soft play. He's been begging, crying for us to come home. Saying he understands how bad everything was and wants a chance to put it right, we can move near my sister, that he can't sort himself out us. Says he not drinking again. But then had 2 beers because he knows I'm not coming back. When he left he said he's not going to see the kids, because without having me back its too hard/upsetting and he's not going to be around anyway (as in suicide). This to me is the reason I left, its all about him, his needs. What about the kids, they're not going to see their dad, because it upsets him.

I'm not sure why I'm posting, hoping for abit of support that I'm doing the right thing/similar stories.

I have remained detatched when I've seen him. However, ts so hard seeing him so upset like this, but I can't sort him out for him. I guess I just wish he could get himself together. Without the drinking everything was great :(

[Iamdobby63]

I don't have a similar story but I do believe you have done the right thing. It's certainly not an environment that is good for anyone to live in let alone your children.

How do you actually feel about leaving IE sad, angry, guilty?

He has just gone on to replace one addiction for another, did he get proper help with his drug addiction?

Does he work?

Depending on how you feel about him how about you putting it all in writing, about him getting proper help, that it's up to him over a decent period of time to prove that he can conquer the addiction and not go back to it when faced with lives difficulties, that you and the children mean more to him than those substances. You can also point out that he has made these promises before and he has broken them and by doing that he has broken your trust.

Was he depressed before? He sounds depressed now but that might be the effect of the substances.

[LiesMyParentsToldMe]

All 3 to be honest. Sad because it seemed like we were so close to everything working out. Guilty because he's in a bad way and he has got a lot of personal issues going on. Mum recently diagnosed with cancer (but he was drinking heavily before he found that out), I think a lot of self esteem issues. Finds it hard to open up, hard to be/accept himself sober. He's Been finding it hard to eat the last few weeks, lost lots of weight. (I suggested gp, he said no they'll just give him more pills) Angry, that he knew that was the last chance, but he still put drinking ahead of our family.

Yes, that's it exactly. I've heard it so many times now. I really want to believe him, but I just can't risk it again.

He was working, very physical job, random hours. However stopped, when he quit the amphetamines and is on esa. But hasn't seen a coucellor in ages.
Before he started drinking, he seemed happy. He's on anti depressants Setraline. He's been upping the dosage because he said they haven't been working aswell.

Atm I feel I need to be on my own with the kids, but If feel that if he really got himself together, was a good dad to the kids. In the future we could try again. But surely I can't tell him that, incase its false hope? And I don't think he'll understand then why we need to live separately.

However I don't think he will. It comes across as he's done it all for us and without us. He won't do it for himself. Which I feel is a bad sign, doesn't it have to come from him?

[LiesMyParentsToldMe]

The gp sent him to turning point for drug help. However, when we went there, they said they only did group sessions, and the other people waiting there were not taking it seriously and just discussing what drugs they could get/what they took.

He was also going to try na but pulled his back at the bus stop and had to go to a and e. I know this sounds like and excuse but he has back problems and before when he came off the drugs, he pulled his back within a week.

[Iamdobby63]

I had a feeling it was going to be a mixture of emotions, the one you need to try and put out of your mind is the guilt one.

If the substance abuse was the only reason you left and without that you feel you would/could be happy then I don't think it's false hope - it's being honest. But he would have a long road to prove it to you and could be easy to hide if he manages to control it better, somehow he would need to build your trust again.

I suggested a letter so he has something physical that he can read and re-read without his mind playing tricks on him. (Hopefully).

What you do or don't do all really depends on how good your relationship was when it wasn't damaged by substances, and whether you think without the substances that it can be repaired.

Only he can save himself, there is nothing you can do other than lay it all down and make suggestions. (Serious therapy).

[Iamdobby63]

Just seen your other reply, unfortuately excuses are all part and parcel of addiction. And pulling his back one week doesn't mean he never goes there just that he didn't make it that week.

I meant to also add that you are not responsible for him, for any of his decisions and that you have done the right thing by leaving, and although you may consider a reconciliation if he becomes sober, that is a long way ahead and in the meantime you need to move ahead with your life and your children's.

[LiesMyParentsToldMe]

Yeah, that's what I keep trying to tell myself. He's a grown man etc.

That's what I want at the moment, to be able to just focus on the kids and me and to live separate from him.

I think he has a lot of stuff to work through, and definately needs time. However he says he can't do it without us. If I say in the future we could try and have a fresh start, I feel after a couple of weeks he's going to say he's not drinking and expect us to move back/not understand why we're not.

Yeah, without the substances, he is a really decent person, and I feel bad for giving up, but its taken two years to get to this point, (no amphetamines) with lies, excuses and I see the same patterns with drinking. I feel like I can't keep giving him my time and things just not getting anywhere.

Also what am I supposed to do about him saying he's not going to see the kids if we're not getting back together?

[Iamdobby63]

He probably would think that if it wasn't laid out to him clearly, he would need to understand that the trust would take a long time to return as he has broken your trust before. He would need to be realistic and accept that it would take a lot longer than 2 weeks sober, for a start that's only 2 therapy sessions!

I think him saying he won't see the children is emotional blackmail in an attempt to force you to go back. You can't force him to see them and if he continues down this path he may not be safe to see them anyway. Would he have them overnight?

[LiesMyParentsToldMe]

I totally agree with what you're saying. He's rung this afternoon, apologised for what he said yesterday and asking if he can have the kids overnight with me going aswell (he said he'd sleep on the sofa)

I've agreed, I know its not the best situation, but I don't feel comfortable with him having them on his own at the moment. And if he just visits them here at my sisters, or takes them out briefly. He won't actually get any proper time with them.

[inlectorecumbit]

Bad idea, if you are that unsure of his ability to cope he should not be having them overnight at all. He can take then away for the day and return at bedtime
He is sucking you back in...and you are allowing it to happen.

[Iamdobby63]

It's not ideal and I do feel it's his way of working to get you back, there is a chance that if you do that regularly you will just slip back.

His time with the children will be what he makes it, even a short period of time can be quality time.

I understand why you have agreed to it, but he really is the one who should be making the effort and taking positive steps to prove to you that he will be sober and can look after his children. It all just seems to be minimal effort from him, maybe because he isn't ready to deal or conquer his addictions, but all he is actually doing is papering over the cracks. He has already had one addiction leading to another and unless he deals with the root cause nothing will permanently change.

[Jan45]

Nothing will change, you will go back AGAIN and it will carry on AGAIN.

Let him actually prove it to you, his words are cheap, he's got some nerve spending money on drugs (crap) instead of his family.

You have told him time and time, he doesn't get it because he doesn't really care.

[Jan45]

And yes, bad idea, and giving wrong signals, you are going to stay over with him and the kids cos you don't trust him with them - why even bother going then.

[Guiltypleasures001]

With the best will in the world lovely you are enabling his behaviour towards you and the kids, it's not good for any of you.

He's got to want it bad enough to turn this around and he doesn't right now, why should he when your doing it for him.