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My parents hate my OH

(63 Posts)
Bumpk1n Sun 24-Apr-16 21:58:15

Hello
I posted a few weeks ago about my parents hating my OH, I asked for it to be pulled she to identifying info.
Basically they hate him because they think he's too old for me, 6 years, looks older than he is and isn't good looking enough. They also think he drinks too much, is a 'lad' and lazy because he can't drive, he is learning.
I live at home. Was given lots of advice saying they are toxic and move out into a room. Which was very helpful. I have looked at rooms and are going to see some soon.

Reason for posting is I've had another earful this evening and I need to get it out.
They went to a friends for dinner last night and her son and his GF were there. My dad said it was another example of how unsuitable my OH is for me, as we don't look good together, unlike this couple, a couple I've never met before!
Me being with OH is rubbing their nose in it. It's eating away at my dad. He sees couples 'everywhere' who suit each other and it makes him upset. My OH looks like an old uncle when he stands next to me. He said he wishes I would just move in with OH And get it over and done with so he can grieve. Grieve? WTAF?!
We bumped into my dad in the shops yesterday so I knew something would be said this evening and when I got home I could sense the atmosphere.
I just went downstairs to get a drink and he tried to start again, I firmly repeated no I'm tired I've got work tomorrow I don't need this. He kept trying but mum told him to leave it. As I walked upstairs I heard him say "end it with him for our sakes" and that sentence sums it up completely. It's all about them, how they feel sad
I don't need posts telling me to move out, those wheels are in motion, I just need a bit of hand holding as I'm very upset. I love my OH, it was our one year anniversary the other day and he was so thoughtful and romantic. He is a good man and they can't see it.

TrafficJunkie Sun 24-Apr-16 22:02:06

It all sounds rather superficial. Here's a hand 💪 or rather a strong arm 😊 I've had plenty of boyfs my mother didn't approve of but it doesn't matter what anybody else thinks. As long as he treats you well with respect and honesty then who cares how old he is. (As long as it isn't illegal of course, and as you have work tomorrow it obviously isnt)

Bumpk1n Sun 24-Apr-16 22:09:16

No I'm 27 he's 33.
They hated my previous two boyfriends and my sister ex. No one is good enough. They find something they dislike, latch on then blow it out of proportion.
It's very unhealthy. I didn't realise how bad it was until I came on here and read other threads about toxic parents.
They address it as wanting the best for me, but it's about control

TrafficJunkie Sun 24-Apr-16 22:20:39

Eugh. The sooner you're out the better then hey. Just be wary of them trying to ruin things for you. It sounds awful, I hope you get out soon!!

GinaBambino Sun 24-Apr-16 22:31:08

This doesn't sound good for you! I hope it gets easier once you've moved out. Tbh parents can be an absolute crap judge of character. My mum adord my xh and things really didn't work out there! Ignore your parents, make yourself happy. You're old enough to make your own decisions (and any possible mistakes)
P.s I'm 27 and DP is 34! I think you'll be fine flowers

babyboyHarrison Sun 24-Apr-16 22:43:07

Six years age difference here too. No big deal. Clearly your boyfriend sounds lovely, if you are moving out anyway then you may be able to speak your mind more freely to your parents. By all means make it clear to them that you are moving out because of their attitude to your OH and that either they get over it and start accepting your relationship or you may find it increasingly difficult to have a positive relationship with them. If they love you then even if things don't work out they should still be supportive as they are you parents and should love you regardless of whether they agree with every single decision you make.

tribpot Sun 24-Apr-16 22:46:47

Well on the plus side they've hated all of your boyfriends so you know it isn't actually about him, it's about controlling you. They seem very looks-obsessed and shallow, is it always looks they object to? Does he drink too much, btw?

I think breaking free of their control is going to be pretty difficult, and you will need to learn to look not at what they say but why they say it. I'm pleased to hear you're getting out - you should feel like a great weight has been lifted when you move to a new place.

Bumpk1n Sun 24-Apr-16 22:53:14

No it's not always looks, it has been intelligence with the previous two.
He drinks the normal amount for a man who likes to have a few beers with his friends every couple of weeks and supports his football team. My dad does not like football and hates everything about what he calls the lad drinking culture. My parents don't really drink and disapprove of me drinking more than a glass of wine when we go for dinner. Getting drunk is not lady like! hmm
It's all so shallow. They blame me when it's them causing the issues

blueberrypie0112 Mon 25-Apr-16 01:15:46

I would put an end to this. My MIL was treated this way.....and after 40 or so years of marriage, and two children later, My husband's grandma (she is still around and in her 90's) still talk crap about my MIL. My husband has to put up with it although he found it very hurtful when they mentioned that my husband's father was dating a wonderful woman and his mom "blocked" that. And the way the grandma talked, she acted as if she did not care if my husband was born or not. All it matters if her boy have a wide good enough for her.

She even complained to me.

No wonder my husband does not seem excited to see her.

hellsbellsmelons Mon 25-Apr-16 10:53:35

Buy THIS BOOK and leave it lying around somewhere that they will see it.
I'm glad you are getting away from them.
So what is your BF living situation?

Goldenhandshake Mon 25-Apr-16 11:14:38

They sound similar to my Dad, who I have now been NC with for 2 years.

He was snobby, judgmental and a general dick about my OH (now DH) for years, I have been much happier since ending contact. Issues were all similar to yours, he didn't earn 'enough', wasn't educated 'enough', was too 'chubby' etc etc, all bollocks and just excuses for my Dad to try and control me.

Good luck OP, I hope it works out with your OH and your parents back off and stop being such knobbers.

Bumpk1n Mon 25-Apr-16 13:09:08

He has his own house. He has a good job, is intelligent, ambitious etc but none of it's good enough because he looks old sad
I feel very sad today.
I'm house sitting for a friend from tonight until Wednesday so hopefully that will give some breathing space. Although I know the conversations between mum and dad will continue while I'm not there

Lottapianos Mon 25-Apr-16 13:17:08

I am so very glad that you're getting out of there OP. My parents are broadly similar to yours - they can't see past their own needs and can't see me or my siblings as separate people with our own tastes and interests. Its not acceptable and not 'normal' and feels totally suffocating. Its absolutely horrible to feel that your parents are not on your side and not sharing in your happiness when your life is going well. I'm not surprised you're feeling really sad about it. With my parents, I feel like absolutely nothing is ever good enough for them. I have limited contact with them now and tell them nothing of any substance about my life.

My sister had a boyfriend years ago who was 11 years older than her - she was in her late 20s at the time so very much an adult. My parents were obsessed with the age difference and went on and on about it. She was very good at ignoring them and the relationship didn't work out for other reasons. It was just an example of how controlling they are and how unreasonable they are. I'm really sorry that you're having to deal with this and I hope that you are able to get on with your own life soon

Bumpk1n Mon 25-Apr-16 13:20:53

They don't ask what I'm doing at the weekends, or ask if I've had a nice weekend. I spend most of the weekend at his.
I have a hobby which I do once a week and my dad never says "how was X, have a good time this evening".
I can't write much more or I will cry at my desk

DistanceCall Mon 25-Apr-16 13:25:16

Sounds like your parents actually don't want you to be with anyone other than themselves. And no, they don't want you to be happy - they probably hope that you won't marry and be their live-in carer for the rest of your life. (My GM did this to my aunt).

I know it's hard, but you shouldn't give a toss about what they talk between themselves or what they think about your relationship. It sounds like you somewhat emotionally entangled with them. Talking to someone professionally might help.

And certainly things will be easier when you move out.

blueberrypie0112 Mon 25-Apr-16 13:27:13

You have a wonderful husband, think about that.

If you stand up for yourself and for your husband and be firm , your parents probably stop and support you instead.

My FIL ignored it and allowed my husband's grandparent treat my husband's mother such way and that's why it never got better and gotten to the point that my in-laws grown children has to listen to it.

Lottapianos Mon 25-Apr-16 13:29:02

Oh bumpk1n sad I can tell how very hurtful this is for you. I feel your pain - my parents could never be relied upon to show much interest in things I enjoy either. I find that with parents like this, you don't go through the normal stages of separation that most people do when they are teenagers, where the parents are able to slowly give them a bit more freedom and encourage them to be a bit more independent and self-reliant. Parents like ours just carry on smothering you and treating you like a baby. So you're constantly in a state of need - desperately wanting their approval and support, never being able to rely on having it. Its so painful sad

I saw a psychotherapist to help me with my feelings about them and I recommend it very highly. I still struggle with guilt at times but it has become so much easier - I feel convinced now that the problem is them and their unreasonable expectations, and that I'm actually ok. Think of the people in your life who genuinely do make you feel good and who you enjoy spending time with, including your new man - spend your time and energy on them. Keep posting if it helps - lots of us on here have similar parents and similar experiences and it can help to share with people who understand x

AdoraBell Mon 25-Apr-16 13:36:39

It could be they see him as old because they don't see you as an adult. That doesn't make it right or mean that you should make any allowances for their issues.

Six years is not a large age difference, and you are not a child in need of guidance.

How much longer until you are able to move out? As already mentioned, they may try to sabotage you moving out. I like the idea of leaving that book laying around but I suspect it would go over their heads.

Bumpk1n Mon 25-Apr-16 13:52:26

Blueberry - he isn't my husband, he is just a boyfriend but a serious relationship that I would like to be long term. My parents have said that the idea of him proposing and then us getting married is their worst nightmare.

He does look older than he is but that's shouldn't be an issue. They have referred to us being beauty and the beast

Lotta your post did make me cry. I don't have any friends really, my best friend doesn't really talk to me much so I've stopped making an effort. Having a place to talk about it all is helpful

Lottapianos Mon 25-Apr-16 13:58:39

'My parents have said that the idea of him proposing and then us getting married is their worst nightmare.'

Well what charmed lives they must lead if this is their worst nightmare!

It is so incredibly out of order for them to be saying stuff like this to you. Its bullying. They seem to see you as nothing but an extension of themselves, there to fulfil their emotional needs, rather than a person in your own right. You entering into a new serious relationship with someone who genuinely cares for you and values you may be more than they can handle.

This is so very wrong of them OP - its emotional abuse. Moving out will be the very best thing you can do for yourself. At least you won't have to listen to them berating you face to face whenever they feel like it. They are your parents but that does not mean that you have to take endless amounts of crap from them. They have no right to expect you to be their baby forever more, you do not owe them that. You are an adult - keep reminding yourself of that. You have a right to peace and quiet and a life of your own

hellsbellsmelons Mon 25-Apr-16 15:09:31

Could you move in with your BF until you get something sorted out?
Just to get away from them.
It's toxic for you living with them.

FantasticButtocks Mon 25-Apr-16 18:00:22

How bloody rude your parents are, and not very bright either by the sounds of it. angry Have you pointed this out to them? How dare they speak to you like this. They are showing themselves up to be ignorant, rude, narrow-minded, selfish and rather stupid. I'd bloody well tell them that once you have somewhere else to go and then leave them behind to be as disappointed and small-minded as they like. Next time they give one of their 'opinions' - maybe you could say I'd prefer not to hear your opinion thanks. If you don't have anything positive to say, please don't say anything. (That's the polite version grin )

AnotherEmma Mon 25-Apr-16 18:07:23

I remember you; I think I posted on your thread that got deleted.

I'm sorry you're having a difficult time, but realistically, it's not going to get better until you move out of your parents' house. In the meantime, you could do your best to minimise the amount of time you spend with them, and limiting conversation to small talk rather than personal topics.

I probably advised this on the other thread but you should read "Toxic Parents" if you haven't already.

Take care of yourself and try to challenge your upset/frustration into doing what you can to find your own place (even if it's just a room in a house share) ASAP.

AnotherEmma Mon 25-Apr-16 18:09:53

You would probably benefit from counselling too.

You are going to have to let go of wanting their approval and it will be easier to do that with support from a professional.

Bumpk1n Mon 25-Apr-16 18:12:31

We have been together a year and as its his house I was going to wait for him to raise me moving in with him, which he hasn't done but then he doesn't know the issues at home.
Currently we live a few minutes from each other, to be able to afford a room share I will be moving closer to work which is 45 mins away. If he asks me to move in then we will take it from there, although posters on my other post said maybe better for me to have my own independence.
I have told them they are shallow, they replied with something along the lines of not shallow just wanting the best and they are sorry my standard are so low, I was raised better than that.
Without wishing to offend anyone, I didn't have underage sex, haven't got pregnant, passed all my school exams, was a 'good girl' therefore all they've had to worry about is my choice of partner. I sometimes wish I did get pregnant at 14 and gave them something to worry about.
I asked them would they rather I had a model looks boyfriend who treats me like shit and they said they know I wouldn't go out without like that. How do they know what people are like behind closed doors!

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