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Divorce after 6 months?!(27 Posts)
I've just returned to MN after a long hiatus, but before I went everyone told me not to get married. Well, I did get married, only 6 months ago now, and already divorce is possibly on the cards. I feel as ridiculous as this sounds.
I've been with DH for 6 years and we have a 3 year old DS. We recently bought a house in a new town where I know nobody, which we bought without me having seen and forged my signatures on all the sale documents (with my knowledge). I just felt grateful he was handling it really because I was struggling to stay on top of my job. Again, utterly ridiculous, but I felt led into this decision because it was a kind of open day, must get your offers in now think as sellers are twitchy and DH swore it was a house not to be missed. I went to see it a couple of weekends ago finally and had an extremely awkward first viewing shown around by sellers who were literally open-mouthed when I explained I'd never seen it. Needless to say I wasn't in love with the house and now I feel like I'm giving up my last ever chance to own in London to move to a house decorated like the 90s that needs a hell of a lot of work doing with rooms all much smaller than I thought. I was feeling very anxious and negative about it afterwards, and that caused an argument obviously.
So as not to drip feed, here's some backstory - during last year I was ill (I've had more than one mental illness for over 20 years now) and wasn't up to making decisions, so after a 5 year engagement (again there's a huge backstory around that because we've been to hell and back through not fault of either of us) DH finally organised a wedding, which was a wonderful day but even as I walked up the aisle I didn't feel I was in control of anything. I want our DS to have a stable home and at the time I thought this was a reason to go through with it even with the problems we had. Yes I know, you don't fix a relationship with a wedding, but the fallout from pulling out of it would've been more than I could deal with.
Things got not a lot better, and then because DH works away a lot so I'm a solo parent much of the time, we (or he) decided to move to the town where he works so he could spend more time at home and take an equal part in childcare. I wasn't 100% sold on this but as the housing market was on the up we made a huge profit on our flat in London and I wanted more space for DS. My job luckily allows me to work from home so I'd only go into London a couple of times a week, which I also really need to maintain my mental health as much as possible. I have some reservations about becoming isolated but I felt it was best for DS with schools etc.
So now we're about to move and I'm not feeling great about it funnily enough. DH of course knows about my MH but a few days ago told me he thinks it's exaggerated and I use it as an excuse, bringing it into everything. I tried to explain that it's involved in everything because it affects everything I do, and has begun causing increasing issues for me in every facet of life. A couple of times he's 'joked' that I'd never get custody because of it.
Anyway, now he's started talking about divorce, saying we're in a sexless marriage and that he's read a lot of stuff online about that spelling the end of a marriage. He said he's got 'actual depression' because of this. I was raped about 12 years ago repeatedly by an ex who then stalked me for months, and I've only quite recently begun to talk about this in therapy, which I sought again after 10 years avoiding it. Apart from this rape I've also been sexually assaulted more than once during periods of my life where I was particularly vulnerable due to my MH. DH now says me going back to therapy is the reason our relationship is going down the tubes, despite me trying to explain that I went because I wanted to be the best person I can for DS and avoid passing on my issues to him the way my DM did with me. I stupidly thought he'd be able to understand that being raped makes sex difficult for me, and it's only through talking about what happened that I've finally realised I don't have to force myself to do it to make someone love me.
I'm terrified of several things, which may or may not be ridiculous (I use that word a lot don't I?) - the idea of having to lose DS to DH, or only being with him half the time after solo parenting so much, the idea of having to start again with the housing ladder in a town I don't know that isn't where I work, telling people that after 6 months we're divorcing, losing all the friends because they were his first, losing my mind again because my MH is so fragile anyway, being alone forever because I'm 36 and my body has really suffered (plus I don't want to be sexual with anyone right now), DS being torn because we both parent very differently and our ideas on diet and cleanliness are worlds apart, and a multitude of other things.
I guess I just need to talk about this with some people who are completely removed from the situation....
Firstly, neither he or you can institute proceedings for divorce until one year has elasped from the date of your marriage.
Secondly, it is a great shame that you didn't the heed the advice given when you posted here and I'm sorry to learn that you're paying the price for relying on hindsight rather than foresight.
Thirdly, with regard to the house that your h has allegedly bought by forging your singature to documents with your knowledge and consent, have contracts been exchanged and ,if so, what date has been agreed for the completion of the sale?
Well can you pull out of the house sale?
The last thing you need right now is more stress and being isolated from what you currently know.
Seriously, you need to consider this.
Do NOT ignore all the advice on MN.
These women know their stuff (not me so much).
Have you spoken to rape crisis?
They can refer you for counselling.
You might also want to talk to Womens Aid and access some local support.
I have no idea what you must be going through with your mental health and the awful things that have happened to you
But.... you need to stop sleepwalking into a life you do not want.
Make a stand and back out of the house sale now.
What has happened to the "huge profit" you made on the sale of the flat? Is that intended to finance the purchase of this house? Are you living in rented accomodation now and, if so, how long is the tenancy agreement for and is it in your joint names?
Get on to whatever firm or whoever is doing the conveyancing and find out what you stand to lose if you pull out of the sale as taking a financial hit may not be as painful as you may think and there's also the option of completing the purchase and putting the house back on the market as is without having moved into it.
If you are of a particularly devious turn of mind I daresay you could make some capital out of your h having forged your signature(s), but I leave that to your conscience.
However, first and foremost, you must establish in your own mind whether you want to continue your marriage and, if not, you must make it crystal clear to your h that it's over and that you have no intention of moving to his work location no matter how attractive any property there may be.
Pull out of the house sale. There's time. You may find it difficult to pull out now but look at the mess you're in because you couldn't pull out of the wedding. It's surely 'easier' to do the hard thing now in one go, rather than drag out the hard thing by Eg buying the house/going through with the wedding.
You need ongoing professional support and IMO you are not in the right space for a marriage, especially as you are currently exploring historic sexual abuse in therapy. You need to hunker down with DS and do your thing. You don't need a husband right now - especially a husband who forges your signature on legal documents. Take no notice of his threats that you won't get custody because of your MH.
There's too much at stake to worry about what other people think. Really, who gives a shit about your personal life, they've enough going on in their personal lives to give it a second thought. You have a right to your own life (and your own mistakes!)
Good point from goddess about buying the house and putting it straight back on the market - you may make a profit. Could you handle that? Would H put pressure on you to move in - could you resist his pressure?
You'd have to think about how much money you'd lose if you pulled out of the sale versus how much you'd 'lose' in rent if you bought the house and didn't move in.
Where is your therapist BTW - London?
Ok, I'm going to be a little bit harsh. I think you are to some extent hiding behind your MH issues. Why on earth did you tacitly agree to buying a house you hadn't seen, and how did your DH manage to fake your signature? Who witnessed it? If you are well enough to hold down a job and look after a child you are well enough to take some responsibility. That'll sting, but it needs to, because from now on you need to snap out of it and start wising up a bit.
You are completely right in that if you divorce you will lose dc to DH for possibly 50% of the time. If your DH wants 50:50, then he has every right to that and unless he is a danger to the child (which it doesn't sound as if he is) then no judge in the land will rule against it. To be honest given your complex MH issues I think having some child free time will be a good end result for you. Solo parenting is hard.
When you say you have different parenting ideas how does that manifest itself? Is your DH neglectful, or does he just do things differently? Unless it's the former then he has as much right as you to make decisions. Where you can't agree you have to accept his way is every bit as 'right' as your way. Obviously it is better if parents can agree, and in the interests of giving your dc a stable consistent upbringing it might be better if you both tried to compromise.
Your post is all about you, which I can understand given your circumstances, but your story isn't all about you anymore. You have a child. His needs trump yours now. You need to get well, for him, so continue with therapy. If the marriage is putting you in a place which is too stressful, walk away, focus on yourself and your ds. The conflict with your DH is putting to much strain on all of you. Perhaps he is a bad person, perhaps not, but living with someone with complex MH issues is quite challenging. Has he always been this unfeeling towards you or has this developed over the years? Either way, you don't need the extra stress he brings.
As for friends, real friends stick by you when times are hard. Those that don't aren't real friends anyway so are no loss. You'll make more, even though you don't believe that you will, and the ones you make for yourself rather than through a partner, will have more in common with you.
If you have exchanged contracts you cannot pull out - unless your name is not on the papers. Have you seen the papers?
2kids I think the phrase 'snap out of it' locates you. It is not possible to 'snap out of' mental health, just as it is not possible to 'snap out of' a physical illness. I think the use of that phrase shows you don't understand the nature of mental illness.
Eg it is possible to do some things and not others. I have a friend who uses a wheelchair the majority of the time but sometimes she can get out and walk short distances. People are often shocked - is she a shirker? Your post reminds me of that.
Most op's talk about themselves. It's the nature of posting on an internet forum for advice about a personal issue.
Springy yes, I'm being a bit tough, but OP has got herself into a nightmare situation through allowing herself to pushed into things. If anything is to change she has to face up to this and deal with real life.
Sadly I really do understand MH issues. A lot of personal experience. I have been hospitalised twice. I'll now name change, as I don't want that to follow me. Snapping out of it was indelicate.
MH issues or not, OPs decisions affect her child. He has to come first. If she is too unstable to recognise this (and I am not for one minute suggesting she is) then he might be better placed to stay with his DF. I personally think from what she has written she is intelligent, lucid, and coping very well in difficult circumstances, and now needs to make some tough decisions.
Then I do understand the use of, say, getting a grip. Or maybe that's also an indelicate phrase! I do know how sometimes we have to gird our loins and p-u-s-h for the outcome we want. Takes superhuman strength, mind. Unsung bloody heroes imo.
Sorry but I also think you are to some extent hiding behing your MH issues.
You allowed the wedding and house sale to go ahead but now feel pushed into it. Why did you not sign the house papers? Did you ask your DH to do it for you or was it done with your knowledge?
You seem to be handing over control of your life to your DH then complaining and building up resentment that it isnt what you want.
I have had MH issues, I know how hard it is. But now Im out the other side I can also see how hard it was for my DH (now XDH).
Living with someone with MH issues is absolutely draining and exhausting and you just sound resentful of him when it reads to me as if he has been trying to support you and is getting to the end of his tether.
I hope that doesnt come across too harsh
House is exchanged - no going back. I 'allowed' it to happen because I didn't know how to stop it. I can't explain why it made sense to me but I was just trying to function through the fog of medication and just getting out of bed felt painful. Unfortunately for me, my mental illness affects my executive function massively so things like decision making can be like trying to find a needle in a haystack - thoughts are not logical in order and I just want to be alone. I've been with DH longer than anyone else so yes I have depended on him whilst I wasn't able to think things through fully. I understand that I'm hard to deal with - I'm very honest and open about it and have tried to talk to DH about it for a long time - but perhaps the reason I've built so much resentment is because of his complete refusal to talk to me about anything. His feelings, my feelings, I feel like I don't know him but in my head this is as good as I've ever had because he's never hit me or raped me. I have no other comparison and that's the only way I can describe it. He's been a constant longer than 8 months, which is something I grasp on to because I came to it from utter chaos and hell. I'm 'high functioning' now but I struggle massively in my job and also with being a mum so by the time I get home I just feel I need to retreat because I have total overload. In that past self harm would've helped but I don't do that anymore. None of this was meant as a 'me me me', but as someone said I'm the OP and I can't write from his point of view as I'm not him. My DS is the reason I even came here for support - I know some of these comments will really hurt but I'm desperate to just reach out to someone. I tried to ignore my MH and it really fucked things up for me - but now it's only through me using all I can muster that I've managed to get any more therapy, it's not like I refuse to go. I'm trying to take responsibility. And I normally seem lucid right up until the point where I collapse so don't take that as any indicator of my state.
I forgot to say - all MH issues manifest differently, so even if you have had them it doesn't mean you understand mine. I can go from speaking at a conference to crying in a toilet in the space of an hour. Because I use up all my normality for those occasions. Sometimes I don't even know I'm getting unwell until someone else tells me.
And I never suggested he was a bad person at all - he is just terrible at communication and has a possibly less than healthy relationship with sex that he won't discuss.
Well you could declare you haven't signed anything. It may get you out of the exchange.
That opens a whole other can of worms though.
Those who have witnessed your signature and your H should be in serious shit.
Perhaps being in a relationship, at this point in life, is too much for you. Could you take some time apart and use that time to work through some of your issues relationships and sex, which are quite understandable
Christina I think that's going to be the only plan I can muster - I guess I have to move house first and get DS settled in new house/nursery and then maybe just have some time apart (not sure who would go, and where though...) to think and figure out if there's anything left to save
I wouldn't focus on the relationship just now, focus on you, the technicalities of it all can be worked out
magoria I agree - forging signatures on house sale documents is pretty serious. Who witnessed it? How are you paying for the house - is there a mortgage, and if so, did he forge your name on that too? Whose name(s) is the house in?
His friend witnessed some but most of my friends who've needed to get documents back and forth quickly have done it too...
Yes everything's in both names but I don't want any more worms really, I feel I'm drowning in them
My mood is all over the place right now - from top of the world to top of a building.
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