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Am I oversensitive or is he an asshole?

(13 Posts)
Lucylongcat Sun 24-Apr-16 18:09:35

Happily cooking dinner for husband when he came home from work, I was telling him "One of my friends..."
He interrupted me, and said "You don't have any friends."
He's not completely right, but he knows, or should know, that my lack of friends upsets me. I told him I thought he had been really cruel. His response was that he doesn't have any friends either, he was joking, and he was sorry. When this didn't seem to make me feel any better, he disappeared upstairs for twenty minutes. When he came down, I'd dished up tea for me and the kids and he is now in a mood with me for blowing things out of proportion.
He is very decent in actions, but often (unintentionally according to him) quite hurtful in words (according to me).
Which one of us is nearer the knuckle, do you think, and what's the best way of communicating better?

OurBlanche Sun 24-Apr-16 18:14:44

When the kids are in bed ask him how, on reflection, he would expect anyone else he knows to react to being interrupted to be told they are Billy No Mates?

Ask him why he disappeared for so long and why it was unreasonable fo ryou to continue feeding the kids? Or are they supposed to wait until he has finished sulking too?

Be blunt and tell him that whilst you are prepared to beleive he didn't mean to hurt your feelings his words and actions, nevertheless, had cthose consquences and youwill not be aplogisng for beung hurt by his thoughtlessness. Though you will obviously forgive it if he can conced that he was a bit rude!

But be prepared, it can take years to get to the end of that discussion. DH and I revisit it every now and then, he isn't horrid, just doesn't always think before being 'funny'. Whenever his humour meets my being more peeved than usual we have that chat, all over again!

Lucylongcat Sun 24-Apr-16 18:19:20

Thanks Blanche. That is it in a nutshell. He's already come over to me and told me he shouldn't have said it and realised as much as soon as he did. It's just his initial sorries are really basic and leave me feeling more angry rather than less. I get a sorry but I'm still stuck with feeling crap from whatever foot in mouth comment he misguidedly thought was humourous until it had already hit everyone's ears.
Sigh. I guess I'll just accept the apology and move on. The friendship issue is mine to deal with.

greensea Sun 24-Apr-16 20:37:15

I don't think his comment makes him an asshole, and I can see how he would think it's funny. Though I can imagine if it happens a lot, at insensitive times, and in front of people it must be tiring.
If he is going to make these jokes that he knows upsets you (regardless of whether you are being sensitive or not) he's going to have to get better at making you feel better sooner and/or allow you to get annoyed at him.

Lostandlonely1979 Sun 24-Apr-16 20:41:56

My OH sometimes says really flipping stupid things without thinking then claims its because he thinks it's funny. But it chips away at my feelings for him and he realises that now.

Sorry to hear you're struggling to build a good network. I've been there and it's so lonely. You need his support now, not his ridicule.

Lucylongcat Sun 24-Apr-16 20:47:55

Thanks green and lost. Feeling much better now. It helps to know there are others out there with equally poor aim on their jokes.

Lostandlonely1979 Sun 24-Apr-16 20:54:49

Hard to know when it's just blokes being blockheads or when it's actually meant to upset you. I can't remember the last time I got a genuine compliment as OH is more likely to joke about my perfume being too strong or lipstick being too dark.

DoreenLethal Sun 24-Apr-16 21:53:22

It's not a joke though if it isn't funny. How would it even be funny?

TheStoic Mon 25-Apr-16 10:46:43

It's your Achilles heel, and he knows it. As your partner in life, he should be helping to build you up, not knock you down.

Hopefully he truly gets it this time.

binkiesandpopcorns Mon 25-Apr-16 11:29:04

I dont think it is funny. At all.

1 - when you started to say something, he interrupted and talked over you and
2 - to say something he knew would be hurtful
3 - then he disappeared so you couldn't discuss it

If he does this a lot he's definitely an asshole

yourmum1234 Mon 25-Apr-16 12:05:08

Listen girl,you need to get out there and make some friends and tell your boy friend/husband to fuck off. go party and get loose.

ordinaryman Mon 25-Apr-16 12:22:01

Perhaps tell him he's right.

You don't have any friends.

So you're going to go and make some.

He can have the kids every Wednesday night and you're off into town / the bingo / a night class / WI / whatever....

LobsterQuadrille Mon 25-Apr-16 13:21:30

Some people do have "different" senses of humour which appear to play on our weak points. I'd been out of work for many months when I was offered my dream job - rang my ex DP and told him excitedly that I had a job and he said "but you're unemployable". My mood (high) plummeted instantly. He said I was overreacting and it was meant as a joke ........ earlier in life, I telephoned home and my DF answered and I said (again excitedly) "I got a 2:1!". Pause and then DF said "Not a First then?"

I agree - make some friends and then he can eat his words.

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