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Pregnant and still struggling with husbands affair

(47 Posts)
cherrypiew4 Sat 23-Apr-16 11:50:27

I have posted before dh had an affair last September. We have been trying to make the marriage work he does everything he can to make it right and we have been going to councilling, I still struggle with it all. A few days ago I found out that I am pregnant complete shock and I have done nothing but cry since. We had are last child 4 years ago and none of us wanted anymore. I am pretty sure it would be a bad idea to continue with this pregnancy not just because of the state of my marriage but financially also. Most of the time I don't want my husband but my head is all over the place and part of me thinks that a new baby might just be a new start for us. I don't know what to do anybody else been in this situation. I feel so fed up and everything is getting on top of me

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted Sat 23-Apr-16 11:55:05

What is your husband's view on this unexpected pregnancy?

dillydotty Sat 23-Apr-16 11:59:13

A baby rarely improves a bad relationship, in fact they often push great relationships to the limit. Sleepless nights and the whole relentlessness of it all.

I have been there, 8 months pregnant with a toddler and finding out my H was shagging around. We split up, got back together and the marriage limped on for another year.

You need to decide if you can do this on your own unfortunately. Big hugs though, it is a shit place to be.

dillydotty Sat 23-Apr-16 12:18:28

To be honest, if you are still struggling with dealing with the affair (your words - not me judging you ) it isn't going to be easier to deal with when you are pregnant. I felt fat, unattractive, had piles and raging hormones. The last thing you need is to be trying to deal with the fall out his affair caused to your self esteem when you are vulnerable.

Take care of yourself and make the best decisions for you and the kids you already have. You can't rely on this man, he has shown you that. Don't listen to false promises from him.

I was 8 months gone so obviously there was no decision to make about keeping the baby. She is grown up now and is the best thing I have ever done. I am very lucky to have her. It was hell for a good few years though.

I'm not saying that you shouldn't keep the baby but make sure you are keeping it for you, not to save a marriage that is in trouble anyway.

Finallyonboard Sat 23-Apr-16 12:24:50

Bringing a baby into a challenging marriage is a risky strategy.

cherrypiew4 Sat 23-Apr-16 12:58:40

Husband has always said he does not want anymore children but now that it has happened he is not sure how he feels but will support any decision I make.

Like you say dilly I can not rely on him and I have told him this.

I feel this is something I don't want to do on my own.

AntiqueSinger Sat 23-Apr-16 13:24:33

Actually I don't think you can win either way. I always say once you're having a baby you're having a baby. An abortion takes a toll emotionally and may result in considerable upheaval to your marriage. Although your husband may seem not to be particularly bothered, he may end up having quite strong negative feelings after such a decision. Wouldn't be fair, but there it is.

Continuing with the pregnancy could also place huge strain as PP have said. You therefore need to think about what you want to do for you, with the knowledge that either decision could result in the end of your relationship.

AnyFucker Sat 23-Apr-16 13:29:44

Did your usual contraception fail ?

Pinkheart5915 Sat 23-Apr-16 13:30:05

I agree with the pp a baby rarely helps a struggling relationship. If your struggling in the realtionship now it might be even more once baa by is here.

I see your going to counselling but you still sruggle over everything some days? I think it would take a long time to re build trust of being cheated on. Some people never get trust and respect for there partner back.

I'm sorry I can't offer any advice but I wish you luck in deciding what is best for you! flowers

StuckMelia Sat 23-Apr-16 13:37:58

Continue with the pregnancy and talk to your OH. If things, won't change , maybe it's time to move on and just focus your love to your children.

dillydotty Sat 23-Apr-16 13:42:48

Did your usual contraception fail ?

The OP is clearly struggling with her decision and doesn't sound like someone who has unprotected sex regularly and uses abortion as a contraceptive. Surely she needs support at the moment not people judging her for a mistake?

AnyFucker Sat 23-Apr-16 13:58:20

Fuck off with your "uses abortion as a contraceptive". How does my question suggest that except in your own tiny mind ?

Cherry, if you have been having lots of hysterical bonding sex and either or both of you have consciously or unconsciously let contraception slide then in no way is that a good premise for a pregnancy.

dillydotty Sat 23-Apr-16 14:04:14

Does it really matter whether contraception failed or they were careless? I can't see how that impacts on her situation.

If I was the op I would have felt judged by your post.

AnyFucker Sat 23-Apr-16 14:08:46

Let op decide that for herself

These two have a lot of talking to do and personally I think whether it was a genuine contraceptive failure or an accidentally on purpose pregnancy has quite a lot of bearing on how they go forward

TheCrumpettyTree Sat 23-Apr-16 14:17:31

Having done a quick look at your previous posts about it. Has he ever said why it happened? He said he was never planning on leaving you. How arrogant of him to assume you would never leave him.

A baby is not a sticking plaster.

goddessofsmallthings Sat 23-Apr-16 14:43:46

Having a band-aid baby is more likely to create resentment than heal whatever ails a relationship and a pregnancy can't come as a "complete shock" unless it has resulted from contraceptive failure.

As you've said that neither of you wanted any more dc, how did this pg come about OP? If it is the result of hysterical bonding thatwould be a huge burden to place on both of you at a time when you should be looking to reduce the complications that have beset your marriage.

Whether you stay together or split up, continuing this pg is likely to result in a dc who becomes only too aware that they were the 'glue' that kept their conflicted dps together or the catalyst for their divorce. .

cherrypiew4 Sat 23-Apr-16 14:51:48

The condom split it has happened once before but he realised this time he did not. We were both drunk at the time. It took so long to conceive last time I really thought it would be ok. Stupid I know.

No he has not really given a reason why he did it. Other than the normal crap we were not getting on she showed him some attention and he went. He felt sorry for her she had nobody helping her blah blah blah.

cherrypiew4 Sat 23-Apr-16 14:55:41

No hysterical bonding since I have found out I have not craved sex with him or felt the need to make him choose me.

AnyFucker Sat 23-Apr-16 15:11:56

A genuine contraception failure then sad

Make any decision as independent of what happens with your H as possible. Decide whether you want the baby or not. Don't lean on him or look to him for help ...he has shown you unequivocally he has only his own interests at heart

goddessofsmallthings Sat 23-Apr-16 15:34:57

At least he can't accuse you of getting pg to guilt trip him into staying or trapping this philanderer saviour of lonely young women in a marriage that doesn't sufficiently stroke his ego has become redundant to him.

As AF has said, take any consideration of him/his feelings out of the equation and make your decision based solely on whether you believe that you can cope, financially and otherwise, as a single parent with an addition to your existing dc and give consideration to the impact on them of an additonal dc.

The only way "a new baby might just be a new start for us" would be if you are able to have a lobotomy wipe the slate completely clean and go forward without ever looking back. Imo, even if you were able to achieve this miracle the chances are that history will repeat itself, but at least you'll be aware that a condom failure should be occasion for you to hotfoot it to a pharmacy for the MAP.

dillydotty Sat 23-Apr-16 15:50:29

I agree with goddess. Also for it to work he would have to be begging you to continue with the pregnancy and be 100% on board with trying to make up for everything he has put you through. It doesn't sound like that is the case.

TheCrumpettyTree Sat 23-Apr-16 18:21:38

Do you feel pressured to stay? You said before your parents and friends thought you should give him another chance and you didn't kick him out, (is that right?) Very easy to say and very unsupportive. They're not living your life though, you are. You have to do what's right for you. But a baby won't improve it. Having a newborn can test the very bones of your relationship, and that's without the added stress and pressure you are under.

BolshierAryaStark Sat 23-Apr-16 19:53:21

I think You need to Base any decision regarding this pregnancy on being a single parent, he isn't supportive of the pregnancy & this doesn't bode well-going along with whatever you decide isn't supportive.
He cheated, you're struggling with this, a pregnancy & the following child isn't going to make this any easier, I'm sorry. Newborns test the strongest relationships, I don't fancy the chances of yours much.

cherrypiew4 Sat 23-Apr-16 22:28:40

Crumpettytree I don't feel that my parents have been supportive really. When I have spoken to them about leaving him they have told me that I will regret leaving him and that I will struggle on my own to bring the children up. That they won't be around forever to help.

Thank you everyone for your replies. I feel very alone in making a decision.

AnyFucker Sat 23-Apr-16 23:27:39

I am so sorry x

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