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I found out I'm pregnant after a break up and today spoke to my ex...

(18 Posts)
helpisneeded96 Sat 23-Apr-16 02:05:39

To cut a long story short; my ex dumped me out of the blue 2 months ago, maybe a little less than this. He gave me no excuse other than he was unhappy and had forced the relationship for too long. This was all new to me because he never said anything about being unhappy. It was like he wanted the relationship to 'just end' without thought for reconsideration. He's 23 and I'm 22.

Anyway yesterday after many tests and hospital visits I found out I was pregnant. My ex had refused to speak to me on every form of social media so I had to get my own MOTHER to break the news to him. How embarrassing?

At first he claimed the child wasn't his, he then told my mother to put me on the phone. I spoke to him in private for about 2-3 hours. He kept asking for proof that I was pregnant which I told him I would give him, he then launched into plain and simple abuse about our past relationship even though I was the innocent party. He told me that I had treated him badly for 4.5 years - this wasn't true at all. I can count on one hand the amount of times we argued.
He then went on to tell me he DISLIKED me, why would he dislike me when I've done nothing wrong to him? He broke up with me. Hearing all of this broke my heart even further because I don't need this kind of abuse when I'm pregnant.

He then went on to tell me that he had been informed I was 'seeing someone new' I asked him who had told him this as it wasn't true and he just laughed. I asked him again and he laughed at me again, refusing to tell me. He then went on to mention a guys name who I've had a brief fling with during this 2 months (Sort of a rebound) and told me he'd been looking through his profile as we spoke. He kept laughing at the poor guy and making comments. He said to me "When I found out I felt really, really bad and kind of jealous, but still I don't want you back - I never even want to see you again"

Now we've established a date for him to come and see the midwife with my next month and I'm terrified. I think a part of my heart will always hold onto him coming back to me, but from all of this I honestly don't think he will. It was a complete blow to my face when he told me he didn't like me as a person and that he never wanted to see me again.
What do you guys think? I don't know what to do. Thanks.

TheRealBarenziah Sat 23-Apr-16 02:13:56

When you say you don't know what to do... what are the options you're weighing up? How do you feel about continuing the pregnancy? Are you trying to work out how you feel about continuing the pregnancy, or how you feel about this dad playing an active role in the child's life, or how you feel about him romantically?

helpisneeded96 Sat 23-Apr-16 02:15:29

I'm continuing the pregnancy without a doubt, I don't believe in abortion and I'm around 3.5 months gone, I had my first scan today.

I'm confused and angry about my ex romantically if anything, I can't believe he would sit and tell me he didn't like me over a phone call whilst browsing through my flings Facebook profile. Weird!!!

LucyBabs Sat 23-Apr-16 02:20:39

Your ex sounds wonderful help hmm
Bin him off! Do you want to have a baby right now?
Are you happy to go ahead and have this prick in your life forever more?
I understand you probably still love him but he is not a nice person.
If he can dump you for no apparent reason, tell you he doesn't ever want to see you again, then I'm sorry cut all ties with him.
You're only 22 don't waste another minute with this person.. flowers

SpaceDinosaur Sat 23-Apr-16 02:25:01

Don't pin your hopes in any way on him wanting to rekindle a relationship because you are having his baby.

Expect him to dispute paternity and demand a test

You may find that he wants absolutely nothing to do with your baby or he does for a while and then gets bored
Or he may be great.

He may not pay you maintenance.
He may
He may be erratic.

Invite him to be involved but from what you've said about him, you and your baby are alone.

TheRealBarenziah Sat 23-Apr-16 02:27:55

He sounds very immature. There is an old saying which is popular on MN: when somebody tells you who they are, listen. This man is telling you that he dislikes you. That's a pretty strong statement. Please listen, and try not to waste time or emotional energy on pining for him or hoping that he will decide to reconcile with you. It sounds unlikely, from what you've written here.

Assuming you don't get back together, how involved do you think your ex is likely to be? Did you have to nag him into agreeing to attend your midwife appointment, or is he keen to be in the baby's life and to be a strong father figure despite the fact that you're no longer together?

Whatever you do, PLEASE do not give the baby his surname. It sounds like you're going to be the primary parent.

hurtandconfued2016 Sat 23-Apr-16 04:59:41

Help hunni
This might seem harsh but I promise it's for the best smile
So first of all please stop thinking your ex will come back to you! Do you really want a man that can just up and leave without any feeling/emotion?
With the hospital stuff for the baby find another person to come wit you and come to the birth he will be useless.
Tell your midwife straight away what has happened they will need to give you extra support and keep a closer eye on baby. (Stress isn't good for you or baby)
With the hatred he is showing you by saying nasty stuff to you. Take it and turn it into anger and strength. Make yourself see you deserve better!
You do not need him around you he can meet the baby when you are feeling better! With hospital appointments you can send him an email telling him what is happening as well as the scans. Do not have him at appointments at all no matter how much you want him to be.
In case you think I am just dictating to you I really am not.. I just went through the same thing 32 weeks pregnant ex told me he hated me couldn't sit in the same room. I invited him to the section he didn't come I thought at all the scans and appointments he would realise what he had lost and came back! But some very lovely woman on here helped me see it was never going to happen also did I want that for myself?

You can do this! The one thing I don't urge is tell your midwife you may need help (mentally) because hunni this is going to be the hardest thing you have ever done. Your emotions will be going crazy and you will have days where you love him want him back and days you hate him! When I had this I just posted on here and again the ladies made me see I deserve better!
My baby is now 8 weeks old and it's hard (especially with a 2 year old as well) but your baby deserves someone who can be so disrespectful and hurtful too!

HappyJanuary Sat 23-Apr-16 05:43:19

I'm so sorry that your ex is behaving this badly. Dealing with heartbreak is bad enough without the added pain of hostility, and you don't deserve to be treated this way at all.

I agree with everyone who has said that you have to assume that you will be doing this alone, and plan for him offering no emotional or practical support at all.

All I would add is that he must also be in absolute shock. He was, of course, allowed to end the relationship and in the aftermath of escaping an unwanted relationship it's not uncommon to feel irritated by the ex. I know it hurts to hear, but after leaving he will have felt some relief, as we all do in that situation, yet now he finds that he is tied to you for life.

He will be considering the enormous impact this is going to have on his life and looking for an escape route, such as saying it isn't his, and blaming you.

My advice would be to back off and give him time to process all of this. There's no reason why you should have to, but IME this is the best way to encourage him to step up.

Make it clear that you know the relationship is over but that you hope he will still decide to be a proper father. Keep him informed of developments without expectation. At the appropriate time pursue financial support.

He may do the right thing, or he may not, but this is more likely if he doesn't feel backed into a corner. You can't rationalise someone out of an emotional position and attempting to will not only backfire, it will hurt you in the process. Your best hope is that he will make the right decision by himself. Do you think he will be getting good advice from the people around him, his friends and family?

You don't need him, you are strong and capable by yourself. Minimise contact for your own sanity, concentrate on what is important, and if he's a decent person at heart he will behave as he should. If he isn't, well then you and your baby have had a lucky escape.

magoria Sat 23-Apr-16 07:22:01

Once you have proved you are pregnant then you do not need to contact him again until your child is born.

Anything which happens to you up until the child is born is your medical needs and he had no rights to be at them.

If he is nasty or abusive this upsets and stresses you and is not good for the baby.

Once the child is here then you need to inform him and agree maintenance/contact etc. If he doesn't come with you, you cannot put him down as the father on the birth certificate.

Do give the child your surname. It will make your life much easier for schools, trips abroad etc.

He may come around given time however he may never.

You need to plan to do this 100% alone.

He has no right to knowledge about any other part of your life. You could have shagged an entire brass band it has nothing to do with him . Never discuss more than DC and the weather. If you are asked, reply a simple 'that is none of your business' and don't discuss.

Ouriana Sat 23-Apr-16 09:50:24

Hos behaviour is odd. You tell him youre pregnant and he is discussing a fling and stalking him on social media? Creepy.

But congratulations on your pregnancy! flowers it is hard to go through on your own but you sound very level headed about it all. I think the easiest way is to accept he will not be coming back and he will probably be a shit father, then if he does make the effort with the baby you will be pleasently suprised rather than dissapointed.

He really does sound vile and immature though, please dont consider taking him back after he has said he dislikes you.

AntiqueSinger Sat 23-Apr-16 10:41:12

You can have this baby and still have a life. A richer one in fact. One child doesn't have to hold you back. You can still achieve your dreams; you can still travel, study, get a career, get married (not with this immature piece of %$*! though) do all these things. They will be harder to acquire, but they are definately still possible. Try not to be confined in your thinking. I know people who have done round the world trips with toddlers in tow, and one single mum who tours Europe in a caravan whilst homeschooling her two children. I have another friend who returned to uni to be a doctor and finished her studies when her dd was 4 years old.

Of course you will need to be humble and ask for and accept any support that is offered and there will be challenges.

You will have to mature quickly. I highly recommend finding friends who are also parents when your baby is born, because your current clique probably doesn't include many parents yet and they may still expect you to carry on doing everything the way you did before.

Try hard to be as civil as possible with your ex, and don't allow him to work you up, because at the end of the day people can mature with time and you are both co-parenting. Half the crap he's saying he's saying out of fear (still shitty though).

Best of luck and congratulationsflowers

Goingtobeawesome Sat 23-Apr-16 10:47:29

Please don't keep the baby in the hope he will come back to you.

LurcioAgain Sat 23-Apr-16 11:08:35

Congratulations on your pregnancy - though I would guess you're still in a state of shock.

I agree with others on this thread that what you're looking into doing now is building the most constructive coparenting relationship you can - which involves backing off from any daydreams on your part of a romantic relationship (which he has made it abundantly clear he no longer wants, and which, frankly, from the horrible way he has spoken to you, is not in your best interest either). He may step up to the plate and be a decent dad, he may turn out to be useless. All you can do is be civil and wait and see how he handles it.

I also agree that you should give the child your surname.

Good luck. As someone who's been on her own all the way through pregnancy and motherhood to date (DS is 8), I can tell you it is bloody hard work but wonderful. And far better single parenthood than a relationship with someone who is an arse.

Muddlewitch Sat 23-Apr-16 11:38:38

You need to concentrate on you and your baby now and leave him to it. I know it's hard but it does get easier.

I found out I was pregnant after leaving my ex (we already had children together) - his actual response when I told him was "I'm sorry to hear that." It was a hard pregnancy as I was so worried about coping and trying to deal with him. Once the baby was born I changed completely, didn't give a stuff what he thought and got on with building a life for me and the kids. (Oddly enough that was when he decided I was the love of his life...I was well over it by then and had to strongly resist the temptation to reply 'I'm sorry to hear that' grin)

Fast forward 6 years and we (the kids and I) have a nice life and DS2 that was the baby is an absolute ray of sunshine and doing amazingly at school. All of that period is a distant memory. Ex turned out to be a crap dad and I am glad I didn't go back, because that is just who is, I'm glad I didn't waste any more years on him. You have found out early, I know it doesn't feel like it now but that's a good thing, you are free to build whatever life YOU want for yourself and your child. You are both worth so much more than someone who treats you like that.

Holowiwi Sat 23-Apr-16 12:02:41

He is panicking he broke up with expecting it to end there only to be told 2months later you are pregnant.
I don't know if he will eventually come to terms with this or always be bitter hopefully he sorts himself out.

juneau Sat 23-Apr-16 12:12:50

I agree he's panicking, which is probably why he launched into the tirade of abuse against you. I'm guessing too that if he knows you've slept with someone else since the two of you broke up he's also jealous and questioning whether he's really the father of the baby you're carrying. The fact that you're 3.5 months pregnant proves this, but until he sees proof of that I suppose its not unreasonable for him to query it.

As for what you should do - well you've decided what you're going to do already! You're going to keep the baby. You've informed him about the fact that you're pregnant and the ball is now in his court. He can choose to be involved or not, but if he chooses not to be involved you can still make a claim that he provides financial support for the child via the CSA (or whatever its called now). You should probably get advice on how to do this while you're pregnant.

But I think for now you should assume that he won't be in the DC's life and so you need to figure out how you're going to provide for your DC, how you're going to manage as a lone parent, etc (this charity assists single parents: www.gingerbread.org.uk/). Will your family support you? Are you working? If so, you need to take a look at your employer's maternity policy and your rights to maternity pay from them and from the government.

ILikeUranus Sat 23-Apr-16 12:42:31

He doesn't need an 'excuse' to break up with you. If he doesn't want to continue the relationship, it really is not something you two can discuss and compromise on at all - it takes two people to actively want the relationship and he just doesn't, so there's no point in talking about the relationship anymore - you're asking for reasons he doesn't want to be with you, he's giving you reasons (his dislikes) and then you're getting upset and offended about those things. It's pointless, don't ask him to justify not wanting to be with you, it's pointless and hurtful. Just concentrate on the practical things for now, ie how you will bring up the baby together as two non-romantically-involved co-parents.

Finallyonboard Sat 23-Apr-16 14:06:05

I wouldn't want to fight for his involvement following his behaviour! If he's on the birth certificate he has more control over this baby (and you). My decision would be walk away, bond with your baby, create a loving home without his drama. The baby will know who his father is and your ex can make the effort to be in touch if he wants to. Set yourself up as a mummy on your terms with your lovely family around you both.

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