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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Potential date but.....

41 replies

SoThatHappened · 20/04/2016 22:56

Ok so my friends set me up on tinder.

Had some awful guys and some nice ones. My friends did a lot of swiping for me.

Some date requests. One seems really nice and asked me out for drinks.

But....I did my usual background check, nothing more than a cursory look at facebook. Is the universe trying to kill me? He is facebook friends with and went to school with my bastard ex who I keep writing about here...the one who lied about a future and was just using me for sex and has now swanned off with a new woman.

I cant can I? I cant go on a date with this man can I?

OP posts:

Report

jillyarmeen16 · 20/04/2016 23:04

I wouldn't. How long ago did you split? Is new woman the ow?

ILikeUranus · 20/04/2016 23:21

No, don't go! A friend of a man who's treated you so badly is not a good potential boyfriend at all.

SoThatHappened · 20/04/2016 23:23

Coming up for a year ago now. I dont know about the new woman. I dont think i was ever his woman in retrospect as he was lying.

There is the possibility they are just friends on FB and dont see each other much.

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SoThatHappened · 20/04/2016 23:24

Much...if at all.

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jillyarmeen16 · 20/04/2016 23:34

I guess it depends how much contact you want to have with your ex. I'm trying to go no contact with my ex and that to me means blocking all lines of communication as far as possible. I don't want him knowing anything about me. I'm only 4 months on from split, also a lying bastard.

SoThatHappened · 20/04/2016 23:53

we are already nc

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TheNaze73 · 21/04/2016 07:39

I think you need to cut the new guy from slack & find out more if you like him. They may be old school friends for all you know? I think you're letting your ex win by, just quitting now. I do think you need to talk though. He may feel more awkward than you & may not have realised about your ex. The fact he's not mentioned it yet, suggests they're not close but, I wouldn't dream of dating an ex of a close friend. You just don't do that regardless of circumstances.

niceupthedance · 21/04/2016 09:37

There's hundreds of men on tinder. I'd keep searching.

PreemptiveSalvageEngineer · 21/04/2016 09:49

I'm of the view that you can judge a person by the company they keep. I do get that FB friends don't necessarily count, but IMHO, we "vote" every day we walk into a shop and buy something or choose to boycott it, every time we re-post a meme or not, every time we stay friends with racists/other bigots or not.

Whether or not you date this man, if I were you, I'd tell him that him being friends with such a scumbag does not bode well for him being a person to be trusted.

...he seems nice...

Future-faking fuckwit also seemed nice. Until he wasn't.

Pootles2010 · 21/04/2016 10:08

Steady on, fb friends does not mean real friends. I have fb friends, from school, who i haven't seen since i was 16!

donajimena · 21/04/2016 10:51

I was just about to say the same as pootles are they in pics together?

Ebony69 · 21/04/2016 20:32

I think it's ridiculous to assume that this guy has the same morals as the ex just because they are FB friends.

SoThatHappened · 21/04/2016 20:32

No there is nothing.

They both dont know I know about the other. My ex probaby doesnt know I know this guy is his friend as I just saw him on a friend list. My ex never spoke of him....all he talked about was himself and/or sex. I only know as I looked on facebook and saw they were friends.

My ex doesnt even know I know about this friend so I have plausible deniability.

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SoThatHappened · 21/04/2016 20:33

Future-faking fuckwit also seemed nice. Until he wasn't.

Bingo

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donajimena · 21/04/2016 21:31

Its a tough one. I'm 'friends' on Facebook with people who I think are arses. The reason I am still friends with them is because politically its easier (friends of friends or shared interest) I don't overshare on FB. I wouldn't know who their partners are..
however if you dated and hit it off there is the danger of photos!!
I think you should go on the date. If it looks promising get the subject out there. You'll soon see from his reaction if they are close.

SoThatHappened · 22/04/2016 23:55

Ok. So he has asked me for cocktails next week....just go?

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wickedlazy · 23/04/2016 00:02

I would pretend you haven't noticed. If he doesn't bring him up, further down the line you could casually ask him does he know the guy and see what he says. Maybe your ex is this guys black sheep third cousin or something. Obviously if they're close, it shows what sort of company he keeps and maybe rethink seeing him again. Do they post on each others timelines or tag each other?

SoThatHappened · 23/04/2016 00:14

I dont know I cant see either of their time lines just friends lists.

Not related as they are very different ethnicity to each other.

They went to school together. The name of the school is there.

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Cabrinha · 23/04/2016 01:04

I vote no.
Not because you "shouldn't" or because of any supposition that he's a bad 'un by association though.

My no is based on your reaction.

One day, you'll be over you ex and this discovery would be met with you posting here in a genuinely lighthearted way "bloody universe!" but already feeling happy to meet him because you are over your ex.

Until you are over your ex, there are plenty of men out there, why bother with one that already gives you the unintended heebiejeebies?

SoThatHappened · 23/04/2016 01:58

You're right Cabrinha.

But you know what? I am starting to think there is more going on here. The suggestion he made for cocktails in the first instance is something my ex did, we both LOVE them. Many people do love cocktails but even so.

It is really hard to change your diction deliberately. Everyone has their own unique way of expressing themselves in speech and via text and some of them sound like things my ex would say. But then again, they arent anything out of the ordinary, it is the overall picture.

I am probably in full on paranoia mode and realise this sounds ridiculous but I am over tired and it is 2am.

However, I may see how this plays out(it is not inconceivable guys who are friends discuss dating and he showed him his tinder matches) . If I ever find out this is a wind up and my ex is behind this, he will have a torment come down upon him that he cannot imagine and I will never think of him again. he will have proven himself to be even more, childish, spiteful, and rotten to the core than I ever imagined.

Game on.

Oh and buy the way, I have a few other date requests so all eggs not in one basket.

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donajimena · 23/04/2016 07:50

Judging by your last post I'd say no. If you have other dates I'd play it a bit safer. I don't think you could go on this date and take him at face value with all that anxiety.
FWIW when I met my partner any residual feelings (good and bad) just vanished.
I don't think its going to happen with this guy for you. Too much going on.

Cabrinha · 23/04/2016 10:24

No, game off.
Walk away from it.
Why do you seek more evidence that your ex is an arse?
You know it already.

First rule (well, one rule!) if anything makes you feel uncomfortable about a potential date, don't go. Just ghost this one and keep chatting to the others.

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A4Document · 23/04/2016 11:19

Walk away from the trouble this could cause. It sounds like it could result in a lot of stress for you. Far better for it to be "game off" now than end up with the same result some time down the line and a troublesome time until then.

Enjoy your other dates

PreemptiveSalvageEngineer · 23/04/2016 11:26

If you've decided this anyway, and think your ex is behind this, then I rescind my advice to tell the guy why. I agree with Cabrinha that you should just ghost him instead.

I'd be interested to see what happens next. If Ex sent him, you might hear from him a few more times, maybe with "awww, why not?" type questions. Don't forget that you don't owe anybody any explanations.

A4Document · 23/04/2016 16:25

If your ex could be behind this, he may be waiting for feedback about what happens. Don't give him that satisfaction.

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