Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

End of my tether.

(25 Posts)
GeorgeP3 Wed 20-Apr-16 21:42:07

Where do I start. I would like to start on how my wife has not spoken a word to me for 2 weeks, ignores me does not say hello, goodbye or good night and is basically I believe emotionally abusing me. We have a young daughter of 2. She asked if she could go on holiday with her Mum and the child. I never said No but said I would be quite worried. Boom!! She went mad. You don't worry when you go on trips!!! (I go once a year for 3 days without the little one) You are unreasonable! I hate you!!! I think we should seperate!! I am quite an anxious bloke and worried now I am losing my family, house and generally being alone. I have been suffering with health problems as well which have made me unhappy over the last year and which has also put a strain on the relationship. As much as I hate to admit it I think I have a bit of depression and this is now boiling it up. I do love my family. I am trying to talk it over but it's impossible. She never has been one to talk about problems whereas i like to talk it over. Am I the guilty one here which is how I am being made to feel. Should I leave? Thanks G

Cabrinha Wed 20-Apr-16 22:05:04

Leaving seems extreme.

You are anxious, possible depressed and have had health issues that have strained your relationship. You have reached the end of your tether.

Perhaps she has hers?

If your anxiety is hard for her to live with, I can see why she'd finally snap at you being negative about her going away with her mum and your daughter. (why shouldn't she?)

If she won't talk, surely better to tell her that you need her to talk (ultimatum: couples counselling) before you just dump it all and leave?

If you think you have depression, go to your GP and seek treatment.

I don't mean to blame you, she could be horrible for all I know. But there's no information on your history together. Has it been good in the past? Or has she always had spells of ignoring you?

If it's a pattern then she's abusive and you should certainly talk to someone about leaving. (google Mankind)

Perhaps she makes you anxious - rather than your anxiety straining your marriage.

But if things have been fine in the past and this is the first time she's lost it then ignored you, then it could be a huge amount of anger and frustration that could be worked through.

You do need to talk to someone properly - good luck.

Aussiebean Wed 20-Apr-16 22:16:43

Agree with cabrinha

Yes the silent treatment is considered an abusive technic, but you haven't said if this is the first time or common in your relationship.

If you go away (even if it's once a year) why can't she? You would be worried about what exactly?

What help are your getting for your health problems? Counselling? Medications? Living with an unhappy person can suck the joy out of you.

Have the problems started since you got ill, or has this been happening for years?

Have you spoken to her about going to a counsellor together?

Depending on how you answer these questions will help you determine if this is an on going abuse issue, or two people really struggling and in need of help.

GeorgeP3 Wed 20-Apr-16 22:41:54

Many thanks for your replies. I should have said that the holiday will be abroad and what with the current climate of Europe at the moment it does worry me. I suppose I don't get worried when I go away as its only 80 miles up the road. Yes this has happened once before some time ago. I couldn't put a foot right and she left for a while and that is the honest truth. I took it very bad and almost lost my job for the time off I had to take. I am in no way saying this is all her fault but as I said my health issues may have contributed. I do struggle on some days but I think she is just not understanding my issues. With regards to seeing a marriage counsellor I did mention this but she replied with "there is nothing to talk about". It seems she gets very immature when trying to deal with these things and I'm thinking she doesn't handle confrontation very well. Her family are very much the same so I'm guessing it comes from childhood. I'm going to try and stay strong but it really winds me up and sometimes and I just feel
Like screaming or punching a wall. My head is going 100mph. I hope it gets sorted soon

Cabrinha Wed 20-Apr-16 22:53:31

Honestly, I would forget the marriage counselling for a bit, and focus on your own health.

See your GP about the possible depression and check you're doing everything you can (medication, counselling) about the anxiety.

Can you go to a counsellor alone to work on your health and how you feel about your relationship?

On the one hand I feel very sympathetic towards you but I do wonder as I say whether she makes your health worse, or whether your health has strained the marriage badly. Like the Europe thing... millions of people are on holiday all over Europe. Being nervous over a week near the Syrian border in Turkey is more understandable than being nervous over a week in Malaga. I know there have been bombs in major cities. But for most people, they do just carry on. I feel for anxiety on that, and I can see where it comes from. But I fly every other week and any concern I would find stifling.

If you have a chance of fixing things, then individual counselling will help you.

If she's an abusive partner, the counselling will he'll you.

It's really a good idea either way! Start with your GP.

GeorgeP3 Thu 21-Apr-16 22:17:06

Thanks Cabrinha, I am going to book a one on one counselling session. With regards to my health I have an ultrasound tomorrow which hopefully can be the start of sorting myself out. Back to my relationship, today some family members got involved which wasn't good. She thinks now that everyone is talking about her and basically just getting paranoid but all the family are just worried. So she finally decided we must resolve this, what I was in for was shocking. She has now set rules in place which quite frankly are a bit OTT. I cannot now do anything with my friends and have to be with my child constantly as she thinks that I do not trust her on her own with our child. Crazy! I will now have to change jobs as I will require certain time off when she is off. Yep she said I would have too. If I can't agree with this then basically we split. Do I tell my friends, family this with the potential to make it worse. She will only say why have you told everyone then I get it in the back again. Is this a fair compromise here? I'm actually beginning to think I am a monster now. I'm mentally drained today and so tired of this. My only concern now is my daughter and if this behaviour could have an adverse affect on her.

Aussiebean Fri 22-Apr-16 01:13:19

You can talk to family, but maybe ask them not to talk to her as that seems to have made her angry. (I can kind of see that)

She seems to have taken your refusing to let her go away as an insult to her parenting (I can kind of understand that to) but is not dealing with it well.

Do you guys usually communicate well? Or is this normal? Or just since you have become ill?

It seems like you two are highly emotional and are struggling to talk calmly with over the top reactions.

Counselling for you is a great start. Maybe start suggesting calmly that you also go to joint counselling to have a third impartial person to help settle this issue.

I wouldn't make any moves to change jobs yet. Sounds like emotions are high and they need to calm down first.

TheNaze73 Fri 22-Apr-16 08:13:46

She has set rules??? Who the bloody hell does she think she is? There are 3 billion women on the planet, leave her ASAP

hellsbellsmelons Fri 22-Apr-16 11:31:14

Don't accept her 'rules'
They are not OK.
Does she work now?
How old is your DD?
What are living arrangements? i.e. renting or mortgage, joint names etc...?
I think it might do you some good to take a bit of control over your own life here.
Get a free half hour appointment with a solicitor and see where you stand.

Your DW sounds like an abusive asshole!
Sorry.

Uncoping Fri 22-Apr-16 11:52:39

If the genders were the other way around nobody would saying not to leave.

It's gross how sexist Mumsnet can be.

OP, leave, she is EA and you deserve better.

Leavemealone2015 Fri 22-Apr-16 12:33:51

She's angry you inferred she can't take your child away on holiday.

Can she take the child or not? And if not, why not?

Leavemealone2015 Fri 22-Apr-16 12:34:53

Is your anxiety restricting normal activities?

GeorgeP3 Fri 22-Apr-16 12:45:19

I never said No you can't go. I said I would be worried if they went. Surely any sane husband or dad would feel the same. I've asked 6 or so and they would feel the same ( this is not a biased opinion by the way as I have asked mums as well). I do feel anxious about the world at the moment. Yes it can happen anywhere but to have loved ones so far away is a worry. I'm only trying to care about them. We have a mortgage together so that is another issue. I'm hoping she comes to her senses to see what she is doing. It's almost as if something has taken over her body.
This is a personal question for the woman. Can the change in a woman start from the mid 30's.

ordinaryman Fri 22-Apr-16 12:45:30

Sorry to hear yo're having a hard time.

Perhaps a written letter / email might work better than face to face? Then you can say what you want to say calmly and non-confrontationally, telling her what you think is right with the relationship, what you think is wrong with it, and where you think things might go if things don't change. Ask for her response and tell her that you welcome her honest feedback.

A word of warning however. Be prepared to get answers you don't want. I wrote a similar letter to my wife which I hoped would clear the air and improve things. It didn't. Though at least I do now know where I stand.

Good luck.

Leavemealone2015 Fri 22-Apr-16 13:08:27

So try to make the decision..are you happy for her to go and trust her or are you not.
Is it Turkey or somewhere like that? Greece?

If it's the place, tell her you trust her but don't want her to go to that specific place.

If it is to a safe place like France, then ask yourself what you are worried about like sunburn or her getting lost and address those issues.
Can you go?

pocketsaviour Fri 22-Apr-16 13:08:38

I said I would be worried if they went. Surely any sane husband or dad would feel the same.

Hmm. I wouldn't feel so sure of that. At least, they would be unlikely to feel anxious to the point where they would prevent their partner from going.

It sounds like your anxiety is significantly affecting your every day life, and that of your family, which is really not fair on your wife and DC. What treatment are you currently getting for your anxiety?

Leavemealone2015 Fri 22-Apr-16 13:13:04

What are you worried about? Abduction? Accident? Sunburn?

A holiday is a fun thing to do...you have to come up with some actual reasons why they can't go or why you are putting a dampener on things to stop them going.

Leavemealone2015 Fri 22-Apr-16 13:14:21

You will be worried about your child forever, but that doesn't mean you should stop them from doing everything.

Uncoping Fri 22-Apr-16 13:15:53

The OP has already said he hasn't said no
He's expressed his concern & she's flown off the handle...?

Leavemealone2015 Fri 22-Apr-16 13:20:59

Well a blanket concern is not enough..reasons and explanation needed to put someone off going on holiday.

Is it booked and paid for?

Do you express anxiety about a lot of things and is she fed up with this?

Wuffleflump Fri 22-Apr-16 16:11:09

"If the genders were the other way around nobody would saying not to leave.

It's gross how sexist Mumsnet can be."

Agree. Her behaviour is not reasonable. I'm not going to tell you to DTMF, because I don't tend that way except in obvious cases of abuse, but the tone of this thread is so different from women asking for help!

Silent treatment is not okay. Yes, you may have mental health issues which she finds difficult, but that is not an excuse for her to behave like this: she should be supporting you and trying to help you get better.

That said, mental health issues can only be fixed by you. You are the one who will have to make appointments, and to your credit it sounds like that is what you are trying to do.

It is difficult enough when you have people trying to help and support you, and you do not have that.

"With regards to seeing a marriage counsellor I did mention this but she replied with "there is nothing to talk about". It seems she gets very immature when trying to deal with these things and I'm thinking she doesn't handle confrontation very well. Her family are very much the same so I'm guessing it comes from childhood."

I'm not great with confrontation either. Talking to someone you're supposed to love about problems with the relationship is not confrontation: or at least, it shouldn't be.

Her 'going mad' when you express concern doesn't sound like she doesn't like confrontation. It's sounds like she doesn't like things not going her way, doesn't like compromise and wants to shut down discussion.

The only way to potentially fix this is by talking, but you both need to want to save the relationship. She cannot dictate terms, and neither can you: you have to agree to something you both can live with and want.

Cabrinha Fri 22-Apr-16 18:01:38

You need to urgently speak to someone in real life.
If she has set these rules, genuinely meaning that you should change your job, it's awful and you should take steps to leave.

But the job change is so extreme... now abusers are extreme, so that might be exactly her demand.

But I can also imagine someone losing their shit and shouting in sarcasm "right, so I can't be trusted with my own child. OK. Well you'd better not leave me alone with her then, had you? Better change your job so YOU can stay with us, huh? As I can't be trusted?"

Of course, that level of stress between you can mean that you need to separate anyway.

I'd be at the end of my tether btw if my husband's family had started interfering in our arguments.

That's why I think you need to urgently speak to someone in real life. You need to properly explain what it going on.

It does sound like it hasn't always been like this, as you are talking about early menopause. (in answer to that, no it's unlikely though not impossible)

You mention going for an ultrasound, but that won't help with anxiety or depression. See your GP urgently, you need to talk in detail to someone who can help you out of this relationship if that is the best thing to do.

GeorgeP3 Fri 22-Apr-16 18:47:10

I should have said the health issues with my body have strained my psychological thinking. It has got me down as I can't do the things I love doing and the doctors just keep fobbing me off. Changed doctors and they were on it like a shot. The ultrasound is hopefully the start to find the root cause of my issue. With regards to getting my family involved I had no one else to talk to. I like talking things out. Yes families take sides which obviously they do but I have been truthful and transparent in everything that has gone on. I have an appointment with my doctor now I have had the ultrasound which incidentally picked up nothing so it will be into the next tests. I will tell him how it has affected me as I have not said previously and I suppose it's the stigma of admitting you have depression. I will never dictate terms but she probably thinks I am on the way I have handled her holiday announcement. Just want to reiterate I have not said no. I want to thank everyone for their input. It means a lot to get some other people's views on this situation. Life eh!?

Leavemealone2015 Fri 22-Apr-16 18:49:33

Menopause..why did you think that in particular? Menopause is usually over fifty but you can get premature ovarian failure at any age as a medical condition... You would need a bit more to go on though.

blueberrypie0112 Fri 22-Apr-16 19:06:40

Wgoing by your OP, I don't think I would like it if my husband told my he would be worried if I visit my family with my daughter. BUT it depends how far away I am and how long I will be gone. Then it is understandable. my family are just a 2 hours drive away so it is no big deal. Luckily for us, we visit family together. Even though I have stayed with my family without him before.

But yes, she should hear you put and ask why would you be worried. I know I would be worried if my husband took the kids away for awhile.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now