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would you find this weird(23 Posts)
I need your help as I don't know if I am unreasonable here or not.
Been with bf 3yrs, not living together. He has one dc who lives abroad and he goes and sees him every other weekend and stays with ex. She's in another relationship which I know for a fact. I am fine with that, dc comes over every school holiday and I have met him plenty of times. Lovely lad and gets on with my dcs.
Now dc is coming over again but this time ex will come too as dc wished it. Only vague mention of this previously but bf did not really say anything for definite but then he's rubbish at planning ahead anyway.
I have not met her yet.
He's got it in his head we could all get on and go on days out etc as that's what he does with ex and her new bf when he visits dc abroad.
I am not comfortable of her staying in his house and playing happy families.
If I would meet her I would not feel at ease and constantly look at signs between them. They have been split for 6 yrs if you need to know.
And also would find it rather weird if after meeting they would go back together to his house and I'd be left going home alone. He suggested I could sleep over too but this would be so awkward.
I told him I won't be seeing them at all whilst they're over as I could not handle it. He says he understood but his face and body language did not agree and I wonder if he reconsiders our relationship now.
I have been hurt before when a previous went back to their ex so I guess my past experience does not help.
Has somebody else been in this situation? Would you be happy your partners ex would stay for a week?
I don't know what to do.
when he goes to visit his dc abroad where does he stay ?
I think it would help if you could meet her first or at least speak to her on the phone or skype. At the moment, she is a stranger to you which makes it more difficult.
I don't think it will be as bad as you think and to be honest, you have to accept she will be part of your life as your partner has a child with her. If you can all be amicable and get along, it will make the whole situation easier for everyone involved, including your dp's son who you sound fond of.
When he goes over he stays at her place.
A couple of years ago his ds skyped her and thrust the phone in my face so we said hello, how are you very briefly.
I think if she would live round here I prob would've met her briefly at pick up/drop offs just like I do with my exes partner. I don't think I'd have a problem with that.
But him wanting me and her to spent hours together, then him leaving with her it just makes me feel I'm some sort of affair. It sounds so irrational but I can't help it.
I think you're being a bit unreasonable.
They live abroad so it's very different to normal situations. They're kind of forced to spend time together and if she has a partner over there what's the threat? What do you think they still lust after each other after 6 years, living in different countries and two separate partners? Hardly.
They wouldn't be "playing happy families" that's just you and your insecurity speaking. She would be staying over in his house, probably doing her own thing not sleeping in his bed & cooking them all dinner.
I know I'm quite insecure.
He misses his son a lot and in my head he'd like to get back together with her just to have dc full time again.
He's the one who finished their relationship back then and offered her the house but she declined and went back to her home country.
My head tells me I am totally irrational and I should get a grip. My body however does not agree.
if he stays with her when he visits his son over there, how is it different that she stays with him when she visits
This is why if I ever end my marriage and et with someone else, they would have no dependent children
I think it's good they can both be amicable with each other for the sake of their dc. He's clearly comfortable with her partner (as the partner must be too if he stays over with them) so why would he not want that for you? I think it says alot about how feels about you that he wants you involved whilst they're over, if he was planning on spending his time shagging her playing happy families then I doubt you'd even be considered in their plans. I think it's good she wants to meet you, he's clearly made his feelings for you clear that he loves you and sees a long term future with you. Why else would she want to meet you if there's no future in you and a relationship with her ds when he's visiting alone.
I think you're being a bit unreasonable too.
I am not comfortable of her staying in his house and playing happy families - The situation is difficult but you cannot expect him to go over there and stay to see his dc and when it comes to the opposite happening him saying to her "Yes come over with dc but you can't stay here", as he would burn his bridges which is not something he would want to do in this situation. You need to see it as them being amicable for the sake and welfare of their DC not playing happy families the way you see it.
If you dont face it now then there is the possibility you never will and it will just cause more issues down the line. You said that his body language gave it away I guess he doesn't want to upset you because its an awkward situation but its the only way he's going to get to see his dc, He probably doesn't want to be faced with this situation every time it arises. His ex sounds happy with her new partner and he's been in the same boat having the ex on his turf so to speak.
uhoh2016 He's clearly made his feelings for you clear that he loves you and sees a long term future with you. I see this too tbh he probably just wants everyone to get along for the sake of the Dc's and once the Ice is broken it will be a lot easier to go from there.
If I was in it for the long term then this is something I would face head on and meet her. I would show her what my DP means to me and what her Dc means to me.
We always envisage things and it goes around in our heads but it's often a lot worse in our heads than it is in reality.
it just makes me feel I'm some sort of affair
I can imagine feeling that way in this situation. Like I was the hurdle in the way of a family being reunited. I don't think it's the case in the situation you describe, but I get that it would be unsettling.
When you see your BF and his XW together, I suspect you'll get a strong sense of whether this set up suits you, or not.
I can understand where you're coming from OP, I have this situation in reverse, I stay in X's house abroad to see my kids. Except my X has no new partner. I would be over the moon if he did.
Just meet her, they all sound quite nice? If there are any funny vibes going on it'll be easier to suss out once you've met her.
Regardless of DP's ex's status the two of them are still in a relationship together. DP suggesting you will all get along sounds like wishful thinking of a rather niche sort to me, OP. Do you want to be part of that?
Thanks for your replies. You make a lot of sense. I'm still very much undecided on what to do.
I might just throw myself into work next week and can forget about it all.
In the whole time I've been seeing him she's not come over once so wonder why now. She didn't have many friends whilst living in the uk and according to him broke contact with them after moving. So thats not even an excuse why she wants to come here.
Fredamayor I don't think he's into that stuff your implying.
I don't even think they're shagging it just riles me she's taken my place iykwm
I think it is weird insofar as it is not the usual way people behave when they have spilt but tbh I think it is lovely that two people can create such a positive environment for the child they share. They are showing that child that they are mature adults who are happy to share space and can get along well.
Their relationship as a couple is long over but they have created a very good relationship as co parents and obviously feel relaxed and comfortable around each other and it would be great if the new partners felt comfortable too.
He's with you because you are the person he wants to be with. He loves you. She is the mother of his child and he works with her to create a really good atmosphere for their child but that isn't a threat to you at all.
I think it's great that they are able to maintain such an amicable relationship for the DC.
I think you're seeing something that isn't there tbh, you don't know if it will work until you try it, it's obviously OK when he goes over there.
His ex wants to meet you before he proposes marriage to you?
The living arrangements are for convenience and cost considerations, imho, and while presents the image of awkwardness, it doesn't ring true that they are still intimate given that each have new partners/six years on.
The one niggling thing from what you've written is the frequency of his going abroad. Is that a strain on finances? If you were married to him...would you be ok with that schedule continuing?
Lol at proposing marriage to me, don't think this would happen in a million years.
Cost wise it's around £400 a month going there so quite doable.
I just wish I could be more grown up about it.
In the whole time I've been seeing him she's not come over once so wonder why now.
You have answered you own question. She hasn't been over in years.
You said yourself the child wanted her to come.
In all honesty I would feel a bit weird about it. But Yabu. She isn't taking your place. She is coming and staying with her son. Your BF wants to include you and aren't happy to be included.
She is taking anything from you
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