Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Pls form an orderly queue & tell me to LTB and/ or that I'm a complete idiot.

(116 Posts)
BrianMolkosAlterEgo Mon 18-Apr-16 10:52:58

I suppose it's my own fault for being so gullible. Long story short (well, not very short now I've read it back), OH got sacked from his job, pretended he was still going to work every day until he'd maxed out his credit card and spent our savings covering his arse, took months to find another job (despite saying repeatedly that he'd 'take anything' he actually barely looked and eventually something practically fell into his lap through his contacts). Meanwhile I was paying for everything out of my salary, mortgage, bills etc. I racked up a considerable credit card bill paying for things he really needed to set himself up with his new job, laptop, printer, hotel accommodation while he was at the other end of the country training, plus food, ongoing household costs etc because my salary only just covered our overheads. I transferred his balance and mine to an interest free card and he swore blind he would pay it all off as soon as he possibly could and he was so grateful that I hadn't left him and he had behaved so badly putting everything at risk and he loved me and he was going to put everything right blah blah blah.

So now, more than 12 months on, his credit card is again maxed out, he owes me several thousand pounds and he refuses all attempts to sit down and discuss the matter - but every month he tells me how much salary he is expecting (it's far more than I earn and plenty to make a real dent in the debts we have). All he does is push the conversation into the future - he is definitely going to start sorting it all out , of course he is but let's talk about it at the weekend/ after next payday/ nearer the time that my interest free period ends (it's now about a month away). And so for instance we have both just been paid so I bring it up again, didn't you agree we were going to talk about it, and he had a massive go at me, everything's about money with you isn't it.

I'm sick of hearing myself and I know it is in many ways my own fault for trusting him in the first place. It's not in his interests to do anything about it is it? So I'm barely speaking to him now until he does actually start doing something about it and he's playing it like I'm just in a huff (as I seem to be more and more these days).

I feel manipulated. All the times he's just told me what I want to hear and then carried on regardless. I don't want him anywhere near me and I have no idea how to solve it. In fact, I don't even think it's my problem to solve. I didn't lose my job. I didn't lie about it. I don't owe anybody any money and I am not avoiding the issue now. I hate being in debt and it's so much money, it's going to take me for fucking ever to pay it back and all the while he's just going about his business like there isn't even a problem. Which for him there isn't because the debt is on my card, in my name.

This just doesn't feel like my life any more. I want my old life back when I made decisions for myself about spending and saving. I don't want someone else in charge of me like this. But I don't know what to do.

lljkk Mon 18-Apr-16 11:14:38

Awww, that's sad. Sounds like he's in a total mess, but you've done more than enough to try to help.
What do you have to lose if you finish with him?

daisydalrymple Mon 18-Apr-16 11:19:09

How long have you been together? Are you married?
Is the mortgage in both your names and how long have you been paying it? (If both names, did you have joint equity going into it?)
How was he with his money/ budgeting prior to the job loss and have you both always previously contributed equally (or proportionate to salaries) for joint expenses?

ImperialBlether Mon 18-Apr-16 11:20:26

I don't think he has any intention of paying you back, OP. How much does he owe you in total?

Somerville Mon 18-Apr-16 11:23:10

Since you ask, LTB. He's a fucking nightmare.

If you're married, get some legal advice first.

flowers

Costacoffeeplease Mon 18-Apr-16 11:24:07

So instead of being mortified and doing everything he can to put things right, he gets annoyed and makes it all your fault - what a twat. Cut your losses and LTB

Heirhelp Mon 18-Apr-16 11:25:55

Yep to LTB. Just to check I read it correctly, he now has a job earning more than you but is not making any effort to lay you back and he has maxed out his newly wiped clean credit cards?

VinceNoirLovesHowardMoon Mon 18-Apr-16 11:26:38

Yes you have been manipulated. I remember you posting before and you were given good advice iirc. He's bad with money and that won't change. So what if he tells you it's all about money? Yes it is! And now you have his debt in your name.
He will never sort it out because he doesn't want to tighten his belt. He thinks because he earns good money he deserves to enjoy it. He's not prepared to live like a poor person to pay off the debts.

BrianMolkosAlterEgo Mon 18-Apr-16 11:27:26

I have the house I've always wanted and my 'relationship' with him to lose if I walk away. I can't justify the expense of the house by myself.

We have been together 5 years, not married, mortgage in both names and put equal in to get it. Always paid living expenses roughly proportionately according to salaries with him generally coughing up more for meals out and such (which i can live without so am disinclined to count that as a contribution) but he's projected to earn more than twice what I'll get this year and I've gone from paying for all of it to going 50/50 now. That's another thing he pretends says he will address at the weekend/ after next payday etc.

Costacoffeeplease Mon 18-Apr-16 11:28:29

Is a house worth being made a fool of?

BrianMolkosAlterEgo Mon 18-Apr-16 11:28:53

Heir that's about the size of it, yes.

BrianMolkosAlterEgo Mon 18-Apr-16 11:29:27

Costa no.

cosytoaster Mon 18-Apr-16 11:30:50

How much of the debt is actually in your name? I think I'd get really tough and be having 'a massive go' at him, put the thumb screws on to get at least some of that out of him and then I'd leave. Whatever you do, do not commit any more money to the relationship.

Costacoffeeplease Mon 18-Apr-16 11:33:20

Then leave - do you have anything to prove you paid his debts and he's supposed to pay you back - any emails, texts?

Standingonmytippytoes Mon 18-Apr-16 11:35:39

The only way I could see you getting out of this is by telling him your taking control of the finances take over his account and incomings, budget the money he needs for living expenses and use the rest to pay off debts.
He's got you into this mess he's used your income for so long it's your turn to use his to get you out of this hole.

Standingonmytippytoes Mon 18-Apr-16 11:35:59

And the LTB

Standingonmytippytoes Mon 18-Apr-16 11:36:41

Then*

hellsbellsmelons Mon 18-Apr-16 11:39:06

How much equity is in the property?
I'd be looking at my options.
Unfortunately all of his debt is now in your name and you aren't married.
You need to lay it on the line for him.
Look into the value of the property.
The fact that you will have £xxx equity.
Split it 50/50 and then he has to pay you his debts back from his 50%
This is going to be hard and you may need to get some legal advice.
But you know you can't continue like this.
It's absolute madness. He takes not responsibility for this debt.
He carries on regardless and you carry on worrying.
What is the point of him?
Get out and get away and find a nice life that YOU control and that you can live without a liar in it.

AuntMabel Mon 18-Apr-16 11:49:10

Can you take some money out of mortgage equity to pay off the card? This would come from his share of any equity obviously. Explain this to him in writing, as he refuses to talk about it. Are any of his other debts in joint names? You become jointly/severally liable for those - get your name off them ASAP.

If you need to walk away at least do so without his debt hanging like a millstone around your neck.

daisydalrymple Mon 18-Apr-16 11:51:49

In the short term, if he won't budget, then you need to work out a fair split into joint account to cover Bills and mortgage (Id suggest proportionate to both salaries if that is what you've done previously, especially now he is earning more) and on top of that, he needs to pay an extra few hundred into the account, with a direct debit going straight out to pay off the card debt.

Just present a list of outgoings and a figure to him that he needs to pay monthly. No need for a big discussion, to avoid him making any childish false accusations about you again. Once that is sorted and in place then you can address the other issues this has brought to the surface.

APlaceOnTheCouch Mon 18-Apr-16 11:56:04

Mortgage equity to pay off the debt seems like the best idea.

Is there anyone that he listens to eg a debt advisor? his parents? If there is, then get them onside. Appearances are important to him so don't let him fool people that he is coping with finances when he has actually let you carry him financially, get into debt for him and he's made no attempt to pay you back for any of it.

lljkk Mon 18-Apr-16 14:05:25

House: Could you get a lodger(s?) to cover the bills?

Boyfriend: Disentangling from his financial mess might be the only way you could keep any relationship with him. sad.

BrianMolkosAlterEgo Mon 18-Apr-16 22:53:04

Lodger not really an option while DS & GF living here (although they contribute piss all & I could quite happily see the back of the pair of them). I've tried to talk to OH again tonight, told him I'm not willing to drop it this time, told him to stop sweeping it all under the carpet, he's sworn (again) that he's going to sort it all out and I've asked him then, what is he waiting for. Get on with it, start sorting it out. I don't want to leave him, I just want him to play the game, I've been more than reasonable.

BrianMolkosAlterEgo Mon 18-Apr-16 22:54:47

Couch youre right, appearances are important to him and he'd be horrified if people knew.

RunRabbitRunRabbit Mon 18-Apr-16 23:14:55

You could give him a deadline to transfer the debt to his own name. Tell him you'll be going to friends and family for advice if he fails to do it because you can't work out how to deal with him and will need help from people who know him too. That'll put a rocket up him.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now