Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

I need to get this out

(10 Posts)
isthismylifenow Mon 18-Apr-16 08:56:30

Backstory, I am separated since earlier this year, marriage of 20 years. Met stbx when I was just a teenager. He had affair, tried to make it work, after some years I got the I love you but not in love with you speech. He moved out.

So for the past few months, I have been on an emotional rollercoaster.

Very very unexpectedly I met up with a male friend that I have known for years, and we spent the night together. So here goes:

1) it was the best night of my life... although things happened, there was no piv, he made me feel like I have never felt before. Just so caring, complimentary, romantic (I know it was just a night but it was), in fact we did not sleep at all, just talked and fooled around until the morning.

2) He is married! Yip. Well, so am I officially, but he says it is complicated. Yes, it seemed complicated as they live in different cities, his wife and dc moved last year and he stayed behind, he said they needed time. So an unofficial separation I was led to believe.
Only to find out in the morning, that he isn't really separated at all, he goes to see them every 2nd weekend, and stayed behind for work.

After this I told him he better get going, he asked me what was wrong, I said that I had a lot to process... he says that the issue is his, not mine, and that I had not done anything wrong...but my god, I feel sick to the stomach, I cant believe I am now the type of woman, that has caused me to be in the situation I am. I am just so wracked with guilt, I cant even express this.

I don't know what to do now. Do I contact him and talk this out... is he going to tell his wife about it.... if he does, it doesn't paint me in a good light does it, as we have a few mutual friends.

Just cannot believe I am in this situation!

Twitterqueen Mon 18-Apr-16 09:00:59

IMHO you are not the one who should feel bad or guilty here. He clearly led you to believe he was separated and available. So no more talk about "not being painted in a good light." you did nothing wrong.

I would let it go tbh. Nothing to be gained by dragging it out. Whether or not he tells his wife is down to him. if he tells her, I guess it would mean he is serious about separating. But what does he have to gain by telling her? Nothing.

I think this is a case of a harsh lesson learned on your part. Put it behind you and move on.

Oysterbabe Mon 18-Apr-16 09:05:02

I wouldn't contact him again. Try and forget him and move on.

WannaBe Mon 18-Apr-16 09:05:58

Firstly, you've done nothing wrong. You spent a night with someone who made you feel special, made you feel wanted, and if that was the best night of your life, hold on to that and build on it in terms of that you now know that it is possible to be made to feel special and loved. There will be someone out there who will do that for you again, but who will be free to do so.

Secondly, you didn't know that he wasn't actually separated. yes, it is his issue to deal with it, but until he does it is your prerogative to have nothing to do with him. He doesn't get to call the shots here. I would just hold on to the positive bits and move on from the rest, cut contact and have nothing more to do with him.

Waltermittythesequel Mon 18-Apr-16 09:09:48

Do I contact him and talk this out

Talk what out?

No matter how much talking you do, he'll still be married and going home to his wife and children.

And you'll still be the dirty little secret.

After what your husband put you through, don't you think you deserve better than that?

Thus far, you've done nothing except believe the bullshit he fed you.

From here on out, everything you do is a conscious decision.

So, you can either choose to put another person through what you went through, or not.

Nobody here can make that decision for you.

AnyFucker Mon 18-Apr-16 09:11:31

Just walk away

Why rub more salt into the wound ?

ps. he isn't going to tell his wife

isthismylifenow Mon 18-Apr-16 10:07:17

Thanks all for the comments. I will try to just move on from this.

Although it doesn't make me feel less sick to the stomach.

So, you can either choose to put another person through what you went through, or not.

Unknowingly, I already have.

Waltermittythesequel Mon 18-Apr-16 10:34:29

The only thing you're guilty of in that situation is being naive.

And there is no doubt in my mind he took advantage of your vulnerability.

AnyFucker Mon 18-Apr-16 16:50:00

There is no "try" there is only "do" in this situation

Anything else fools only yourself

Cabrinha Mon 18-Apr-16 17:26:24

What an arsehole!
Not your fault at all.
I think you should tell his wife but in all honesty I wouldn't because of the mutual friends fallout.
I'd damn well tell him I was planning to though 😈 At least give him a moment's discomfort. Arsehole.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now