Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

end of 11 year relationship

(80 Posts)
chloe2727 Sun 17-Apr-16 22:41:01

how do i go on...how do i get through this intense pain that im feeling..how do i stop crying, come to terms and accept the fact that he has left me after 11 years. I adored this guy, loved him beyond reason...and for what...for him to take my dreams and crush them..11 years living together and in the blink of an eye he walks out the door and my heart is breaking knowing i will never be with him again...i sound so full of self pity at the moment, but i truly have never felt this much despair...im a 45 year old woman for crying out loud...i should be able to do this but i cant...i have no one to talk to..no one to help ease the pain i am going through

ILikeUranus Sun 17-Apr-16 22:46:16

You're allowed to have a bloody good cry, and a bucket of ice-cream. It's going to take time to come to terms with the situation. You'll see things a lot clearer once some time has passed and the attachment and being used to having him around fades and reality sets in. Be nice to yourself.

EllenRipley Sun 17-Apr-16 22:55:16

You will get through this. The very idea that one day you will feel happy & strong again will be completely alien to you right now, but it is true. This happened to someone close to me last year- partner of thirty years walked out on her, leaving her utterly devastated. She got through it and is in a much better place today, even to the point where she realises he actually wasn't the person she thought he was and she ignored a lot about him and herself for many years. Find support where and when you can, even a counsellor, and take it a day at a time. Your world hasn't ended, it has just changed. X thanks

AntiqueSinger Sun 17-Apr-16 22:58:18

You need to stop castigating yourself for falling apart. You are grieving and are at the shock stage, it isn't all 'self-pitying'. You're devastated. Don't try to fight how you feel. You need to get it out. You need to do whatever's necessary to get you through each hour of it. I know it's absolute hell, but I swear it gets better but only time can do it. Right now though it's absolute shit. Shit. Shit. shit!

Do you have anyone you can cry on? Friends, family?

TheNaze73 Sun 17-Apr-16 23:53:40

I have nothing really to add that hasn't been said already but, didn't want to just walk past this post. You're grieving. It's the death of a relationship & your age is irrelevant. Don't be too hard on yourself flowers

AntiqueSinger Mon 18-Apr-16 07:53:01

How are you this morning Chloe Did you manage to get any sleep?

chloe2727 Mon 18-Apr-16 09:26:35

thankyou for your replies...managed to get a couple hours sleep on the sofa last night..couldnt face going up to bed...surviving on coffee and cigarettes at the moment..have an intense pain in the pit of my stomach that wont go away...
Feel so mad at myself for becoming this emotional wreck of a person who has become so dependent on a man that i cant even contemplate my life without him, when did i become so weak!
i really dont have any friends that i can talk to..my children are all grown up and have left home..would hate for them to see their mother an emotional wreck..im supposed to be the strong one right??
i came on this site in the hope that i could get some advice on how to get myself through all this..i really appreciate all of your kind messages..knowing i can talk to people who dont know me,yet offer advice and support is a great comfort...thankyou xxx

TwoKettles Mon 18-Apr-16 09:33:16

A minute at a time - every minute is one you don't have to do again, and one you don't have to do again. It will hurt like hell right now, that's to be expected. If your kids are grown up, maybe it's their turn to be strong and give you some support. Be gentle on yourself xx

Zaphodsotherhead Mon 18-Apr-16 10:02:39

I couldn't read and run. I've been where you are, five years ago. I absolutely came apart at the loss of the relationship, and the man I adored utterly. I won't lie and say I never think about him now, but I'm here, I'm still standing. My life goes on, and I can take pleasure from things again.

You can do this. You will do this. It hurts like hell and the pain never seems to end, but it will. I watched a phenominal amount of 'Come Dine With Me' - it was the only TV programme I could find that didn't have lovey-dovey couples in it, but it saved my sanity, stopped me thinking and kept my mind from going over and over 'where I went wrong'.

One day. Just keep thinking. One day. And then another. And another. Then one day you'll find you can breathe again. Then you'll eat.

Slowly does it. But, yes, it hurts.

chloe2727 Mon 18-Apr-16 11:09:57

i wont say its a comfort knowing that other people have gone through the same thing..id hate to think of anybody going through what im going through now..but it helps to know im not alone.
what i really cant get my head around is this time last week he was telling me how much he loved me..yet hes stood there and watched my heart break into a million pieces and tears run down my face...you dont do that to someone you claim to be in love with..i think maybe he has no understanding or compassion for a womens feelings.
i know deep down that one day i will come through the other side of this..its just right now everything is falling apart around me.
my financial situation is dire..im a full time carer for my mother, i claim a carers allowance to take care of her, thats my only income..our/my home is rented and theres no way i will be able to cover all the outgoings on it.., he paid for all the bills...his choice not mine..so in a way he made me totally dependable on him..i will have to give up the home that i love and move somewhere smaller..i am not really in a position to work, due to my mother..so at the moment i feel as i really have lost everything..him, my home, security..he made me dependent on him..and now hes just walked away...im sorry if i sound so pitiful right now...someone please remind me in time of how pathetic i sounded when i get through this!!!!

FrogFairy Mon 18-Apr-16 11:40:13

If you can possibly manage it, try to sort out your finances.

You will qualify for council tax benefit (plus single person discount). Housing benefit to help with rent plus while you are unable to look for work there may be income support or universal credit you could claim. Perhaps a visit to the CAB who can advise you.

I know you are feeling broken, please don't think I am heartless talking about money. It will just be one thing less to worry about.

hellsbellsmelons Mon 18-Apr-16 11:49:34

You don't sound pathetic.
Hell, we've all been there.
I absolutely feel the physical pain of your heart literally breaking.
It's the most horrendous thing at the time.
We say it on here all the time but you just have to 'fake it 'til you make it'
I used to get through the day, get my DD in bed and then find a corner at the other end of the house, curl into a ball in a corner and sob and sob and sob. I could cry for hours and hours.
You think the tears will run out, but they don't.
But little by little you don't have to rush to the other room.
The tears do become less, the crying sessions further apart.
Then one day you will go without crying at all and you start to realise that you CAN do this and you WILL get through it.
It will certainly take some time.
This is raw for you. Don't expect to be all strong and OK with life.
Let yourself grieve. Give yourself time.

Next week contact CAB and find out what help you can get now with your mother and your housing.

I must admit I started smoking again as well and I survived on sugary tea and ice lollies for weeks.

flowers for you. So many of us on here know what you are going through and we can all hold your hand.

AntiqueSinger Mon 18-Apr-16 12:50:45

sad so not much sleep then. Horrible isn't it? Even a few hours escapism is impossible to get from the overwhelming feelings. I understand not being able to stomach going near the bed you both slept in. When this happened to me many years ago now, I just remember that I was so anxious about going into the bedroom that I tried to stay out of my house for as long as possible.

If in a few days you're still not sleeping maybe take nytol or go doctors and get something a little stronger to knock you out at night.

So sorry this is happening to you.

What were his reasons for leaving? And some men will carry on like everything OK till the last minute, giving protestations of love etc, even sleep with you the day before leaving. It's a fairly common experience I've heard many times, with many women beingconfused so please don't waste time trying to figure out why he said he loved you last week. He compartmentalised. Unfortunately a common factor of many breakups.

See if you can eat a little bit today, just a few bites x

chloe2727 Mon 18-Apr-16 14:12:49

he never gave a reason he was leaving..he just came home from work friday evening and just said he was going...packed his stuff and left..no explanation, nothing..and no amount of begging, crying and pleading would change his mind, all he said was 'you'll get over it'

there was never any hint that things were going wrong...one day we were smiling and laughing..doing 'normal' things..then the next he walked out of my life without so much as a backwards glance..

i know he wont be back...i know that much..but i also know there isnt another woman involved..he just wanted to leave and thats something i have to try and accept.

i know its only been 2 days...or 64 hours to be precise!...and i know that i have a long way to go before i even begin to feel 'normal' again, but 11 years is a long time to just 'move on'

i will contact CAB next week to try and sort my finances out..really cant face anyone this week..just wish someone could take this pain away..i know that it will take time..im just so angry with myself right now...so angry that i became so dependable, emotionally and financially on a man that can just walk away and leave me a blubbering wreck

strawberrycrumble Mon 18-Apr-16 14:56:24

Hi, Im in the same position, my husband of 11yrs (together for 16yrs) has just left, came as a total shock and im completely lost. I have no idea how to get through this, just so utterly devastated. Im financially reliant on him, so now I have to sort finances too. Its just so terribly hard, be kind to yourself and take it 1 day at a time, that's what im telling myself. Be strong (even though I know that's easier said than done, im only in the very very early days myself)

chloe2727 Mon 18-Apr-16 17:35:56

im so sorry that you are going through this also...i hate thinking of someone else going through the same pain i am...i cant offer any advice..i have none to offer...hes been gone for 3 days now...71 hours...i know because i count the minutes..i keep looking at the clock thinking he will be home from work in a minute...then i realise hes not coming home...its like im grieving a death...everyone tells me time...time will make it better...i dont know...i just have to hope that it does..right now i cant see a way out of this despair that im in...thats why i posted in here...just to have someone to listen to me...xxx

FredaMayor Mon 18-Apr-16 19:03:19

he never gave a reason he was leaving..he just came home from work friday evening and just said he was going...packed his stuff and left..no explanation, nothing..and no amount of begging, crying and pleading would change his mind, all he said was 'you'll get over it'

Really appalling, I'm so sorry for you OP, 11 years is a hell of a long time and you obviously gave your the relationship your all. As others will say, do not beg, it is entirely pointless and demeaning to you, and don't expect this to blow over in a day, a week, a year. It takes whatever time is takes to get through this. Focus on your finances and whatever needs your attention now, you will benefit from it, IME.

In the longer term you will look back on what has happened with a different lens, and in the meantime you will get plenty of support here. flowers

chloe2727 Mon 18-Apr-16 19:25:07

thankyou everyone for your support..i keep refreshing the page just so i can read everything you have all said to me..

im totally and utterly broken tonight..cant stop crying..and the worst thing of all is knowing this isnt going to get better anytime soon..

you know how sometimes you just wish time would stand still..well im wishing time would just pass so fast into the future...

i appreciate everyones kind words..and i really do apologise for using this site as a 'samaritans' xxx

AntiqueSinger Mon 18-Apr-16 22:09:16

You really need to stop being so hard on yourself. If you don't you'll soon find yourself spiralling into depression. It's a big enough blow to your ego and confidence when you're rejected by someone you love, you don't need to beat yourself up further on top of that. You've done nothing to deserve feeling this way and nothing to deserve being treated this way. Nothing. So what if you relied on him financially? I bet you provided your own share of support: cleaning up after him, cooking his meals, being a support whilst he worked. Plus you are a carer, already a full time responsibility.

Let the tears come. Yes at first it seems like you will never stop crying. But gradually it will become less. That's when you get to the numb stage. After you get past that, things start to get steadily better, but as a PP said, each second that passes will get you nearer to the point when you will be able look back at your ex objectively.

You will be happy again, I promise.flowers

AntiqueSinger Mon 18-Apr-16 22:16:43

And the Samaritans is a good idea! They were brilliant when I was dumped by a man I absolutely adored. Lady I spoke to was called Edith, never met her or spoke to her again, but I love her where ever she is in the world right now. Because I was hysterical to the point I would have done something to myself, and she got me past that dangerous bend.

So if you feel especially crap, call them as many times as necessary!flowers

chloe2727 Mon 18-Apr-16 22:43:31

thankyou so much for your support...you really dont know how much it is 'helping' me...just having anonymous people to talk to on a screen, reading their kind and encouraging words makes me feel i am not alone.

i know i have a long road ahead and i know i will have many days where i feel so desolate and i know nothing will help me cope with this apart from time.

i dont want to think of a future without him..but i know i will have to face a future without him...and i will face it...one day i WILL look back on all this and think..'i made it'

i hope nobody minds if i continue to post on here..i know some of my posts (most of them at the moment) will be despairing posts...but its giving me a focus right now....you truly are all wonderful people xxx

Dowser Mon 18-Apr-16 23:21:55

Keep posting as much as your like. My 30 year marriage was exactly the same.

He denied it but there was a woman involved.

I wish he'd acknowledged it straight away he ragged it out for months. He was on to woman two before he finally left and I was past caring by thenbut I cried a river in the beginning

Dowser Mon 18-Apr-16 23:23:25

Oh and I was 52 and 63 when I married my shiny new husband and we are living happily after ;-)

Dowser Mon 18-Apr-16 23:26:57

Are you sure he hasn't got another billet to go too.

Mine swore on our precious grandsons life there wasn't anyone else.

It's pretty rare when they up sticks and leave like that without having another bed warmer to go to.

It happens but usually it's a case of cherchez la femme

Sweetandsour93 Mon 18-Apr-16 23:58:14

Just wanted to say that there's always someone on here to talk to when you need to. I've been through a bad break up after 3 years together, it doesn't feel like it now but eventually you will feel better. My ex was also someone who was saying "I love you, you're my whole world" etc literally the day before it ended. It made me question myself and I felt deceived but I realised I deserve better than someone who could treat someone like that. I spent many nights crying my eyes out and imagining different scenarios in my head but things did improve. I am now in a much better place and I'm moving forwards. It's a grieving process and it will take time, the early stages are the worst part flowers

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now