I'm about to walk out, am I being too hasty?

[MagentaSpunkTrumpet]

Long story short, today is the day that I've finally decided that DH is a shit drunk and DS(11) deserves better.

In the main DH is a fantastic guy, my best friend and the person I absolutely want to spend the rest of my days with. Today, yet again we've been embroiled in some petty dispute and I've had enough. It's no way for DS to grow up and I don't want him to grow up thinking that ours is a normal and functional relationship. All our issues can be firmly traced back to alcohol, causing DH in particular to behave in a way that simply isn't him. Logically the sensible answer is not to drink, but by next weekend the issues have faded and the cycle starts over again.

So now we're sat here with a bag packed, waiting for DH to come home (he's tramped off with a dog in great distress as I've said we're leaving)

I want him to shout and fight for us not to go, even though I know that's not his way. I'm sat here pretending to be calm and reassuring DS that everything will be fine, when in reality my heart is breaking.

We can go to my DM's, but she lives over 200 miles away. DS has school tomorrow and I have work tomorrow night. It's such a big step but one that I feel if we don't take, nothing will change.

Am I being too hasty or should we just bite the bullet and go, then see where it leads us?

[janethegirl2]

Sorry, can't really give advice but I'd be tempted to go, even if it's just to a travelodge down the road. It may be a wakeup call to your dh.

[ProfessorPickles]

I think you're right to leave OP, just keep in mind whether or not this is a healthy relationship for your son to grow up around. He should be your absolute priority.
I know this will be so hard for you but think of your son, he doesn't need to grow up around that. A break will either set you up to get on with your lives, or will allow your husband to realise he needs to change or he will lose his family.

Leave today, it is for the best or else you would never have got to this stage.

I wish you all the best and hope things work out for you OP

[autumnboys]

If you're going, just go. Please don't wait and risk exposing your 11yo to a scene when your DH gets back. Find a travelodge for tonight, review in the morning. . You're doing the right thing.

[Whisky2014]

I'd leave now anyway regardless of if you think you are being hasty. Cut contact for a while and hopefully this will shake him up to make a proper change in his life. Then you can decide what to do from that. Prob stay in a b and b for the week?

[Merd]

Hard to advise online without knowing more and might well be wrong, but one thing I would say is it probably doesn't need to be this dramatic. Unless he's violent or abusive and you need to get away, then you probably don't need to drag DS 200 miles away. Why not stay at a local hotel for the night instead while you figure out your next move? Don't wait until he returns, that's an argument waiting to happen in front of your son.

Relationships take a while to end and divorces take a while to come through, so what you really need to do is decide and follow through properly and not in a panic.

It sounds like splitting up would be best for you and your son but you won't realistically be able to sort everything out instantly. Do you have all the paperwork gathered to help you in a split?

Have to ask and I don't mean to sound like a total arse, do you drink a lot too? You just seem to hint that it affects him in particular - how do you mean?

[LastInTheQueue]

Having been the 11yr in this situation, just what are you hoping to achieve by sitting there with a packed bag, waiting for your DH to come home?
If you're going, then go. If you're staying, then put your child to bed and unpack your bag. Please do not expose your child to this whole drama that should be dealt with just between the parents.
Sorry if that's harsh, but reading your post has made me really angry.

[ShinyShinyShiny]

Put your son to bed and talk to your DH when he gets home. If you still want to leave then plan it properly, find somewhere for you and your DS to go or ask your husband to move out.

Having your son sat there with his bags packed not knowing where he stands or where he will be sleeping tonight is cruel and unnecessary, not to mention him witnessing the potential scene when your DH gets home.

[Yseulte]

You're using your son to set up a scene to provoke an emotional response from your DH. Very unfair.

And if DM is 200 miles away what's the point of taking him there?

If the relationship is over, DH needs to leave.

Enough of these games.

[Kr1stina]

Why do you want him to shout and fight ? What good will that do ?

[AnyFucker]

Oh dear

You keep posting about this dysfunctional relationship

Are you going to do something useful or just play games ?

[MagentaSpunkTrumpet]

In not sure it's what I'd call "playing games" AF

Anyway, we are still here and DS slept in his own bed last night. To the PP who asked about the drinking, yes we both drink though I'm not affected to the extremes that DH is by it (and I dont drink as much)

Clearly we cannot be trusted to drink together anymore so I guess I'll just stop and see where we go from there. I've spoken to DH again and reiterated how unhappy I am with our relationship and how I think it's negatively affecting DS. It will take at least one of us to change and for the sake of our son that will need to be me.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

Magenta,

re your comment-
"It will take at least one of us to change and for the sake of our son that will need to be me".

The whole situation and not just you needs to change and for that to happen you are going to have to separate from your H. If this man really is a "fantastic guy" and your "best friend" (your own denial talking in view of the facts), then I would be wondering what you precisely learnt about relationships when growing up.

What do you think your son is learning from the two of you about relationships here?. Is this really the legacy you want to be leaving him; he'll be gone from your lives completely as soon as he is able to at this rate.

[Yseulte]

As DH is the one who handles alcohol badly how is you not drinking going to help?

If all you wanted was to repeat to your DH that you're unhappy, what was last night's charade about? Do you have any concept of how unsettling that would had been for DS?

[Merd]

Oh Magenta, this is heartbreaking reading. Your poor son.

Just stopping drinking yourself won't be enough. I think you need some real-life support and to talk to someone who can give you some objective insight.

Have you tried al-anon? Free to call, recommended by the NHS. Or your GP?