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Fining a way out or stay for dc's sake

(8 Posts)
Brindler Sat 16-Apr-16 17:21:34

I want to leave my husband. He has a drink problem which he won't admit to. Final straw came last night when he pushed me over whilst he was drunk and urinated over the living room floor as well as other things which I won't go into. Doesn't remember a thing this morning. He's apologetic and crying begging me to forgive him. But this isn't the first time this has happened and our dd has had to witness it every time. She's only 4. We also have a DS who is just a month old. I always give him that 'one last chance'

We own the house jointly and probably have about 100k equity. We have no savings. I have nowhere else to go. I've tried to get him to leave and he won't. Even if he did I can't afford to keep the house on my own. I'm on maternity leave and only work part time normally.

The other problem is dd. Despite all she has witnessed she still adores him. I've tried gently talking to her about possibly living on our own and she gets very upset and doesn't want it to happen. I've only stayed so far for her sake.

Would I even be entitled to any help considering we own a property? Does anyone have any ideas of what I could do and what my options might be. I can't bring my children up around this, but at the same time I don't want to disrupt dd or upset her and have her blame me. I'm going to go to the cab next week but just wondered if anyone had any experience of a similar situation in the meantime

Heirhelp Sat 16-Apr-16 17:31:04

I am going to focus on your questions about your daughter. I think for your DD sake you need to end this relationship. You are being physically abused and you are failing to protect your daughter from this. I know this sounds like harsh victim blaming but if you dont do something about it then this is how SS will view the situation. Your daughter will probably be upset when you end the relationship but in the same way as you would make her have vaccinations or take her to the dentist even if it upset her, you will be doing this because as an adult you know this is in her best interests.

As an individual you deserve much better than this. There will be others along with more practical advise soon.

Take care of yourself and your children.

Salene Sat 16-Apr-16 17:36:52

If you give him a ultimatum , he seeks help
Now or you all go what do you think he would do..?

He has a addiction and needs help for it, could you get him along to a local AA meeting maybe..?

He needs to put his kids first and sort the drinking out, if he not prepared to do that then you need to leave.

Snoopydo Sat 16-Apr-16 17:38:55

I don't think you should be discussing the end of your relationship with a four year old. Of course she doesn't want that to happen. Prepare her when you know yourself what is happening.

Re the relationship, your options are to get him to leave or leave yourself. If neither of those, you can start divorce proceedings even if you live together. With that much equity in the house, you may well have to sell up and split the proceeds. However everyone's situation is different so you need legal advice.

NB: it doesn't sound like you are safe in which case you might need to leave in an emergency situation or make a plan with help from women's Aid. As he is a violent drunk and you have small children, I think you need to get away sooner rather than later. Despicable behaviour.

metimeisforwimps Sat 16-Apr-16 17:39:26

In terms of the help ur entitled to I'm afraid I don't have any knowledge, but the cab are good. I presume on maternity leave you will get tax credits so it might be worth looking on an online tax cedits calculator.
Staying for the sake of the kids is not popular on mn, but I think it is the right thing in some circumstances. However, having worked with alcoholics I have seen that they take the people they love down with them. I would suggest that leaving is the best thing in the short term at least. Would you want to stay if the alcohol problem was sorted? If so, tell him that and leave him to sort the problem out on his own. The change can only cone from him . I wish you and ur kids all the best.

AttilaTheMeerkat Sat 16-Apr-16 18:20:19

Brindler,

The 3cs re alcoholism:-
You did not cause this
You cannot control this
You cannot cure this

What do you get out of this relationship now?. What needs of yours are being met here.

This is what life is like with an alcoholic; you're simply lurching from one crisis to another. Its never stable, quiet or peaceful at home. You are all simply now being dragged down by him into his pit.

You have already stated that you want to leave your H and you cannot bring your children up around this. Those are extremely good reasons to set in motion your exit from this marriage.

Its not altogether surprising that he will not leave the marital home; many such men do not because they also know they are onto a good thing at home. Its also another way of controlling you.

Any coercion from you for him to seek help will end in failure. The decision to seek help and to address the root causes of his alcoholism has to come from him and him alone. You cannot make him attend AA meetings nor should you at all assist in any such endeavours. An ultimatum (note singular) can only be issued once and if you do that you have to follow that through to the letter. If you cannot do that then it is no point in issuing such a thing.

Alcoholism is truly a family disease and its not just the alcoholic who is affected here. You are already playing more than one role here in his alcoholism; that of enabler and provoker because you never forget. Your DD is seeing him drunk too; it does have an effect on her going forward even into adulthood.

How many times have you made excuses or covered for him?. No more giving him one last chance; you have probably given him enough chances already over the years and he has blown them all. How many people know he has an alcohol problem; very few I suspect. Also alcoholism thrives on secrecy.

Read up on co-dependency as this often happens in relationships where alcohol heavily features. You probably act out co-dependent patterns of behaviour in this relationship and that needs to be addressed as well. Your own recovery from his alcoholism will only properly start when you are all away from him.

Do seek support also from Al-anon www.al-anonuk.org.uk/ as well as getting financial info from CAB. I would also seek legal advice now from Solicitors, CAB may be able to point you in the direction of some firms. You do not immediately have to act on the legal advice but knowledge is power.

Your 4 year old is too emotionally immature to realise the consequences of you as her mother staying within such a relationship and she cannot make that decision anyway. You as the mother solely need to make that decision with you and they in mind. Children often want their parents to stay together but in these circumstances its not possible to do that. You have a choice re this man, your children do not. You really do not want your children growing up think that their dad's alcoholism is "normal" to them because they could well go onto choose alcoholics themselves as partners or end up with a whole host of emotional problems pertaining to being super responsible. Its no legacy to leave them.

You can make healthy choices.

Brindler Sat 16-Apr-16 20:43:49

Thank you so much for all your advice. I need to make some tough decisions. You're right Attila, no one knows about it. Until last night when I called his brother to come and sort him out because I just can't deal with it anymore. So now his family are aware. I do think he needs professional help, it's whether he thinks that too. These incidences of extreme drunk behaviour happen a few times a year, everytime he's out with work colleagues. In between that he'll drink a few beers every night. The only time he hasn't was when he was ill a couple of weeks ago and was put on the strong antibiotics you absolutely cannot drink on

I'll seek advice from the cab next week and take it from there. Thanks all its much appreciated

IronNeonClasp Sat 16-Apr-16 20:48:23

Meercat - I think I am in love with you wink

OP - much balls

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