What do I do?

[BeautifulLiar]

I am NC with my mother. Well, as NC as I can be, given that my parents went to a solicitor to get access to my children, but that's another thread. She rarely attempts to contact me as anything regarding the DC goes through DH.

She was awful to me throughout my childhood and pretty horrible to me as an adult too. She's manipulative, narcissistic, toxic etc (just to give a rough idea of why I don't speak to her).

Last night she rang me off her house phone. This never happens. I didn't answer as 1. I didn't want to and 2. I was trying to settle my newborn.

Straightaway she sent me a Whatsapp message saying: I have tried to call you to tell you something important that can't be said in a text. If I don't hear back from with a call I will take it you don't want to know.

I text back asking what the news was but she didn't reply. I asked DH to ring her for me but she wouldn't tell him the news.

The only other family members I have a relationship with are my grandad and auntie on my dad's side. I thought something might have happened to them but after texting my auntie all is fine.

I text my mum again this morning, she's read but not replied. I'm so angry but also worried sick. I have a brother and sister that don't speak to me. Don't know what to do.

[Joysmum]

If not going to call is going to affect you more than calling then call.

I'm a big fan of NC myself. Sounds like you're nc for good reason.

What does your DH think?

[Yeahsure]

I'd call her, this once, just to hear what she has to say.

If it's nothing important say a cordial goodbye and mark this down as another attention seeking, cruel trick of hers and don't answer her again.

I'd probably run through a few scenarios with my dh first though and decide what you would want to know about, how you think you'd feel hearing it, whether you'd take action e.g. she's ill, a sibling's ill, something financial, a family secret, an apology or a reach out to you etc.

[QuiteLikely5]

I would call then once she has spoken I would literally hang up on her.

Do not say anything other than 'hi'

Bear in mind though that she might want to say something nasty to you and there might be nothing important

[BeautifulLiar]

Thank you. I always have nightmares etc after speaking to her/seeing her so that won't be much fun, but I'm also a worrier so I'm going to constantly be thinking about what this "news" is. I'm almost 100% sure this isn't about reconciliation. She tried all those tricks and I think she knows now I'm not interested.

I'm terrified about ringing her. DH wanted me to ring my auntie but obviously she's text back now and that's sorted. He has no idea what I should do.

[CookieLady]

It's a power trip for her. Do not call. Focus on the positive things in your life.

[BeautifulLiar]

QuiteLikely I can't imagine her making all this effort to say something nasty... she used to of course, but that was when I stopped her contact with the children. Now she has contact she has less reason to harass me...

[CookieLady]

Have a look at the Lighthouse website. There's loads in there about Narcs and how to deal with them.

[iMatter]

Sounds like she hasn't changed at all and is still trying to manipulate you.

I agree with the others who say to call her. If it's something and nothing then you'll know in future not to take her seriously.

All the time that you aren't sure whether to call is time that she is in control. You are giving her too much headspace (I mean that kindly and not as a criticism)

Take control by calling her and then you can move on.

[BeautifulLiar]

Cookie I said exactly the same thing. DH has no one like her in his family so he just doesn't get it.

The only reason I'm thinking "hmm..." is because when my grandma died (on my dad's side), I wasn't speaking to my mum then either but she turned up at my house and told me in person. Obviously she tried to use it as a "we can build bridges now" situation but it makes me think that this is something similar.

[BeautifulLiar]

Thanks iMatter. You didn't sound harsh, you're right. I said to DH I hate how she can still mess with my head. My life is pretty damn good nowadays (she always expected me to fail) yet she is the only thorn in my side

I've even been googling my family member's names but I'm not finding anything. I found my mum on Twitter but all she's been writing about in the past few hours/days are the London marathon so surely if isn't that serious??

[Joysmum]

If it's serious then she'd tell you through text or DH so she's clearly on another power trip which is more important to her than any news she might have. Question is, could the news be more important to you than her power play?

[tribpot]

If someone had died, she would surely have told your DH rather than withholding information as a power trip.

I would text back and say 'if the news you have to pass on is important, please tell DH when he calls. Otherwise I will assume you are playing some kind of mind game'.

I think if you call and it turns out she's up to her usual tricks you will kick yourself for having shown her she still has power over you.

[BeautifulLiar]

Thank you - its funny how people are so "clued up" on mind games here. You're saying exactly what I've been thinking! Clearly I was happy for my DH to have the information before me so why couldn't she just tell him?

I was brave and rang her. Mobile and house phone. She didn't even answer!! I'm so annoyed, and tribpot if she hasn't called me back by this evening I'm going to send your text pretty much word for word.

[tribpot]

Of course it could be coincidence that she didn't answer either of her phones, but much more likely I would assume she is pleased to see her power play is working and she wants you to beg for this info.

Try to put it out of your mind until this evening and then retake control of the situation. Gawd, it's all just so bloody unnecessary isn't it?

[BeautifulLiar]

Completely unnecessary!

She rang back and was a bit of a twat on the phone tbh. Her mum died yesterday. Of course I'm not happy about that but I'm not upset either - I had no relationship either. I asked ny mum to text me with funeral details etc but she ignored me. If she doesn't I'm going to feel guilty for not going ffs!

[tribpot]

Well, sorry to hear that although why she couldn't have told your DH is beyond me, he was hardly not going to find out, was he?

Sounds like you've done all you need to, requested funeral details. If she chooses not to send them as a way of controlling you - well, sod it.

[iMatter]

Job done.

If she lets you have the details then fine but don't chase her for them.

Put her out of your head now. Have a cup of tea and a massive slice of cake.

[Yeahsure]

Well to be fair that was a legitimate reason to call you.

Not saying she's not a twat and that you shouldn't be NC, you know best what she's like and I believe you. She was right to inform you of big news, you were right to call her. Re funeral, might you find details online, on social media or church/funeral notices?

Hope you are ok.

[TheSilveryPussycat]

You don't have to go to the funeral if you don't want to, if you do find out the details - you could send flowers or donations (or whatever the preferred remembrance is).

[BeautifulLiar]

That's a good idea, Silvery, although (and this will sound mad) I don't actually know her name! She was always known by a 'nickname' which I thought was actually her name until a couple of years ago so I'm not sure I'll find anything out, tbh

[tribpot]

Well yes but she had the opportunity to tell OP's DH earlier and chose not to. Yes, I can kind of see how that's news you would want to share between family members first in a normal family, but given all contact is done through the DH I think she was pushing it personally.