Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
I've just managed to come out of an abusive relationship(9 Posts)
It's been a year of emotional torture to be honest.
Last year I left my marriage to my 2 DCs father (a 10 year relationship) and I was stupid enough to jump straight into another relationship.
I had known (for this thread i'll call him max) for about 6 years through work (what a cliché eh!) but a hard lesson I have learnt is you don't really know someone until you actually know someone iyswim.
He is classic Mr Sensitive (luckily through MN I have been reading Lundy Bancroft's book "why does he do that?." )
He manipulated me to the point I feel a fool. He was possessive, controlling yet loving and caring at the same time which is what messes with the mind. We used to have fallouts where he would say things to me and I would react, then he would turn it around and use my reactions as a way of saying there is something wrong with me.
I don't have a great deal of friends or family but he used to make my mum feel unwelcome when she came round and I would never have been able to go out and pursue my own interests or hobbies. His idea was always we do things together because we were a couple. It felt suffocating.
Through my divorce I was able to buy a house with a mortgage. Lucky my ex husband made it so the divorce settlement meant the house was in my name only and max wasn't allowed to be involved (I hated my ex at the time but now with a clear mind thank god he did that!)
I did stupidly let max move in though in January when the house sale went through. The fact it was my house didn't sit well with max (he had to sell his house due to his own divorce settlement last year and had about 50 thousand from the sale after it.)
I suffer from depression and have done my whole adult life (i'm 31). He used that to make me feel crazy whilst at the same time acted sympathetic. I was constantly hurting his feelings and had to walk on eggshells around him. He would ask odd things about my past about the boys i'd been with as a teenager and ask odd intimate questions then use them against me. He'd say things like "these people didn't pleasure you did they?" and in the end I sort of made it sound like the boys I had been with in my younger days had been in the dark, silent for 5 minutes, just so he wouldn't probe or hold it against me. (I know what a fool I am!)
I was slapped a few times and he used to grab me in a frightening way when he thought i'd pushed him too far. I was so sucked in I thought I deserved it. I was also called a bitch and cunt several times.
He was good around the kids and they seemed to get on okay (though now with a clearer head I would not be introducing a man to my beautiful children for a very long time.)
I would have to phone him before work and after work (I work school hours/term time) and would have to be home by the time he got home from work at 5pm (when the kids were with their dad) because he would say it's "our" time. We had many arguments if I was late home by half an hour!
The last month just got worse and worse when I started getting stronger and questioning things and fighting back. He used to say I "turn" on him and all the arguments were always my fault. If I wanted to sit and watch the tv or read a magazine he would sulk or say i'm ignoring him.
I think the reason I was so sucked in was because he had another side to him. He was passionate, loving, very helpful and handy around the house and used to tell me I was his one true love. He used to write me lovely notes and buy me gifts. When he did that I thought the relationship was good. His family think he's a nice guy and I doubt they know the true extent of what he can really be like. He has a string of failed relationships which I suspect is because A) He is abusive and B) he loves the grand gestures and intensity of the beginning of relationships but then unrealistically thinks the way you are in the beginning when everything is exciting and new should carry on for the whole relationship which is not only exhausting but just isn't going to happen.
He said he was going to leave a few times and even threatened to overdose. In the end I stopped reacting and let him go, then like a drug addict to heroin, I would txt for him to come back. The last month though something had clicked in my head I just couldn't do it anymore. I've been at an all time low and gone on anti depressants. Max drinks every night which lead me to drinking every night too and I ended up putting on nearly 2 stone.
In the past month when something clicked I stopped drinking and cut out sweets/chocolate and have done well in loosing the weight which has given me a boost.
My mum never had much to do with him but I spoke to her (but was too ashamed to tell her the full extent of what had happened and she advised me to act normal, the way I would normally be at home. She said then after that things will either improve and he will accept or he will leave. Either way I will be happier.
I also spoke to a friend via txt who advised the same.
I tried acting normal and it lasted one day because last week he left for good taking the tvs and washing machine (as he paid for them and because he was trying to spite me.) Luckily I am good with money and put some by so I went out, bought a washing machine, lifted it out my car into the house and plumbed it in myself! It was sheer fuck you determination (and that was a very heavy machine!) Max used to make me feel like I was useless in that way because he liked to feel like a man doing jobs like that.
He say he loves me and wants to carry on and tells me he's sorry. I didn't txt him or contact him for 3 days last week and I must say it's really helped me get him out of my system (he was right under my skin) and I have gained confidence in just the short 3 days already.
Then he turned up yesterday full of sorrow. He was softly spoken and said he loved me and said he wished he's taken a step back and realised what he had. I just kept very calm and collected and didn't say a great deal only I don't think the relationship was healthy.
I haven't heard from him today and i'm glad. I have been a complete and utter fool and I feel very ashamed of myself for allowing myself to be treated in this way. I am sorry this was long but it does feel good getting it all off of my chest.
I guess I was a complete and utter fool
This reminds me so much of my experience, especially about asking details about boyfriends when you were younger, having to know everything about you and writing you love notes.
Well done and keep strong! Xxx
You aren't a fool. Don't be so hard on yourself. Well done for getting out so quickly and seeing it all so clearly and also for the washing machine you just expect others to think the same normal way we do and when they say they are normal yet act badly it takes a while to realise it's not you it's them. Hope you get to enjoy life free of this man now
Kudos to you OP! You should be proud of yourself.
I can only imagine the absolute feeling of a accomplishment you felt plumbing that washing machine in
That was the minute you were free of him, that was your fuck your matey victory dance
Well done for clicking on and getting rid op I'm doing a little happy dance for you!
I too bet getting the washing machine sorted felt bloody brilliant!
He sounds like my ex. Always asking about exes, hated my tattoos as they were reminders I had a past. Would gaslight me, hit me, confuse me, then tell me I was the love of his life and make me tea.
When I finally escaped (I legged it barefoot with handfuls of clothes when he tried to strangle me) he too did the whole "I realise what I've lost" <sad face> thing.
well done, stay strong!
Thanks everyone. Yes it did feel good doing that washing machine! I ached the day after because it was so heavy but nothing beats that fuck you determination!
love the washing machine bit!
High 5s all round 👍
Join the discussion
Please login first.