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Sisters ,when is enough ,enough !

(15 Posts)
porthtowanone Fri 15-Apr-16 15:40:39

Hi , Hope some of you could give me some advice about this situation i am in as i fear making the wrong decision will be the end of this relationship .
My sister and i have been no contact for a good number of years ,the only contact being with regards to our elderly parents , i have two grown up children who over the years have no contact with my sister too ,now all of a sudden she wants a relationship with them .They however feel that there is too much water under the bridge so to speak ,my sister has mental health problems so her behaviour at times is very erratic ,they have witnessed these events ,i do not wish to upset my sister so i let her down gently saying that they tend to do their own thing now and that i hardly see them too .
However today i received a text from her wanting to go for lunch ,part of me feels sorry for her ,but another part says there is too much water under the bridge and am i being used to forge a relationship with the kids , i really dont want to hurt her but have no clue to the right answer in this situation.

Kr1stina Fri 15-Apr-16 15:44:17

If your children are adults then they are old enough to make their own decisions.

They are well within their rights to decide not to see a relative who has ignored them for years . Why are you trying to change their minds ?

porthtowanone Fri 15-Apr-16 15:48:57

Am not trying to change their minds , she now wants a relationship with me after all these years ,my dilemma is ,is it just to get closer to the kids or is this a genuine attempt to have a relationship with me .

AttilaTheMeerkat Fri 15-Apr-16 15:57:52

You have all managed ok without your sister in your lives for the last few years, I would keep it that way. There is nothing to suggest that she has at all changed. And why contact you now?.

Feeling sorry for her shows that you are kind but some people take other's kind nature and use that against them for their own advantage. Do not be suckered in by a text message (that is really a means of non communication as well).

Any contact from you to her just gives her an "in" to potentially bother you more (like she has done with her further lunch request). Ignore any further communications from her, no good will come of any contact. I would consider now blocking her.

goddessofsmallthings Fri 15-Apr-16 16:01:06

Why do you think your sister is attempting to use you to get closer to your dc? What possible interest can she have in wanting to have a relationship with them when they are, presumably, considerably younger than she is, albeit that they are now adults.

It seems to me that you won't know for sure what her agenda is unless you agree to have lunch with her, but it's entirely up to you as whether you also take the view that there's been "too much water under the bridge" for you to have any meaningful association with her.

Kr1stina Fri 15-Apr-16 16:01:40

Do you want a relationship with her ?

porthtowanone Fri 15-Apr-16 16:08:34

I am very wary about having a relationship with her ,in the past after a few months ,usually when she has had arguments with her friends , she gets bored with me and she makes up with her friends and we have no contact again ,why she wants a relationship with the kids i can only guess at ,we are a very small family ,the kids are her only nephews and i am her only sibling . Am just thinking should i give this one last shot ?

AttilaTheMeerkat Fri 15-Apr-16 16:13:01

Have you already not given her more than enough chances?.

No no and no again re giving her one last shot. You will regret ever letting her back in if you do and she has already tried to overstep by inviting you to lunch with her. Toxic people like your sister remain just that, she will simply use you again if you let her do so. She has probably had some argument with an acquaintance and wants to see if you are still at her beck and call.

Your adult children and you are family to each other, that is all that you really need. Quality rather than quantity is important here.

AntiqueSinger Fri 15-Apr-16 16:22:05

You say she has mental health issues and that her behaviour can be erractic, but other than being a bit flaky what has she done? I would think that her mental issues would contribute to her periods of absence?

I'm trying to understand why you feel so strongly that she doesn't really deserve a relationship with you or your DC? Nothing you've posted seems to warrant such a severe reaction IMO. Could you make the picture clearer?

AttilaTheMeerkat Fri 15-Apr-16 16:26:26

It appears that this lady only makes contact with the OP only after she has had an argument with her friends. Presumably this is why the sister has chosen to make contact with the OPs children first and not her own sister initially. Also the OPs now older children have seen OPs sister's behaviour at close hand and do not want a relationship with her.

porthtowanone Fri 15-Apr-16 16:28:20

I realise that maybe my story sounds vague but there are some details i dont want to go into ,she has been physically abusive to myself and my parents ,i really dont want to say anymore,sorry

AttilaTheMeerkat Fri 15-Apr-16 16:31:18

Physical abuse from her is a further reason for you to not let her back into your life in any shape or form. You have a right to live a life free from abuse from anyone.

goddessofsmallthings Fri 15-Apr-16 16:38:42

A history of physical abuse is the reason why you should not entertain any thought of resuming or maintaining a relationhip with your sister who, despite her alleged mental health problems, is clearly capable of managing perfectly well without having you to rely on.

AntiqueSinger Fri 15-Apr-16 16:56:49

Of course you don't have to give any further details if you don't want to porthsmile

Is she physically abusive when she doesn't take her meds? Or is it a personality defunction? In which case steer well clear.

ptumbi Fri 15-Apr-16 17:45:33

porth - who is going to gain more from you two being back in contact?

If it's her, then NO. If it's you,then maybe.

<disclaimer> I'm NC with my sister (6-7 years) and would most definitely never reconstruct our relationship.

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