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fuck, it's over, please help me

(189 Posts)
jip123 Fri 15-Apr-16 14:03:28

He's left, there is someone else. He has been telling me I am paranoid for weeks and that they are just friends. Saw a text and he admitted it. Currently minimising, am under no illusion I don't yet know the full story.

She's 19!! 19!! We are 31, we have a 4 year old DD.

I am the main wage earner, he earns about £200 a month. I have asked him to leave, he won't, says he owns half the house.

I am at the lowest point with my mental health I have ever been, I have just (this week) begun a phased return into work. It's really hard, I could have done with support. I start therapy in the next couple of weeks, I'm terrified, I've never felt strong enough to deal with it before. I thought I was, this has set me back.

How do I deal, what do I do if he won't leave. How do I deal with the therapy and my own head. I had started to feel stronger, it's gone. I'm a shell. I'm a mess.

Fun fuck fuck, I'm not suicidal, I was last week. I'm safe for now. I am just exhausted. He is coming home to talk in a bit, please give me strength, I'm trying to stay calm. I don't think I can.

I am suffering with PTSD, depression, an anxiety disorder and OCD, all stemming from my mum dying and my daughter being a preemie. I need to make me better. I just want my life back.

Fuck!

Heartbroken4 Fri 15-Apr-16 14:09:33

No answers but here. I got bawled out by another poster for telling my story too much the other week, but I have been through similar: I am 37, she is 24 ... I have long-term depression (which, ironically, was finally being treated properly). Sorry you are in this place.

Onlyonechance2011 Fri 15-Apr-16 14:14:27

flowers

IronNeonClasp Fri 15-Apr-16 14:19:21

Didn't want to read and run. You sound like you are keeping it all together and you sound very strong. thanksthanks

CantAffordtoLive Fri 15-Apr-16 14:22:33

I think the best thing you can do is get legal advice ASAP. Good luck.

emm0371 Fri 15-Apr-16 14:25:07

I am sorry to hear you are in this situation. You seem so strong and good that your gut instinct kicked in. They do tell us that we are loosing the plot, are wrong etc. Hang in there. Let him talk. How awful to be in this mess. Stay strong.

0phelia Fri 15-Apr-16 14:25:26

If he owns half the house, presumably you own the other half.

You'll need to sell up and both find another place. If DD is moving in with you you'll need more of the proceeds from the sale to accommodate the extra bedroom.

Sorry he's such a twat. Find a solicitor asap.

Maroonie Fri 15-Apr-16 14:27:04

Well you don't need to make any decisions until you are ready too,
I'd also say first thing is to get legal advice so you know what your options are.
You will get through it flowers

HermioneJeanGranger Fri 15-Apr-16 14:31:53

flowers I am so sorry OP.

I know it's a big cliche but it will stop hurting eventually.
You'll need to get your finances in order - hopefully he'll pay child support straight away and move out, it's not fair on your DD to have to move house just because her dad is a twat.
Then get yourself to the CAB and make sure you're getting everything you're entitled to - tax credits, housing benefit, single person council tax discount etc.

You will be okay, though. It just takes time.

tipsytrifle Fri 15-Apr-16 14:32:34

What a rubbish time you're having jip. You'll need your strength and wits about you for the brewing battle if he refuses to leave. Is the mortgage joint? Whether it is or not, the decent thing for him to do would be to give you some space. Is he approachable at all in this manner? Obviously if the house is jointly owned there will have to be negotiations. Him leaving for civilised reasons wouldn't change his "claim". Does he actually pay the mortgage, or part of it? Others will be along who are way better at the practical stuff. But you need legal advice asap.

If he refuses to leave at all, even for a week, or a weekend, then how about you make it clear the marriage is over and separate the sleeping arrangements as of immediately. How would that feel to you? I'm thinking a line needs to be drawn that declares what this is now. If that is how you feel, of course.

The line would exclude housewifery from you that benefits him. No laundry, cooking (hard to organise but an interesting challenge). No tidying up <his> stuff, just yours and DD. No buying his food, just enough for you and DD and preferably stuff he doesn't like. Are you ready for this kind of line? It's up to you but head in sand is not possible; even if you don't feel like anything other than a mess, it might be good if you can create the impression that you're a warrior.

Make sure he has no access to money that is yours, or even family money he might take from a joint a/c or savings. Change passwords on anything related to you internet-wise. Shut him out of as much as you practically can. If there are bills you pay that benefit him only (eg Sky stuff) then cancel them. It's all part of the line drawing.

It's you and DD now jip. I'm so sorry for this heartache and the grieving that will no doubt take its toll. But you WILL get through this and be stronger than you ever thought possible.

ImperialBlether Fri 15-Apr-16 14:35:41

Hang on, she doesn't have to sell up and give him half immediately!

See a solicitor, OP. Get proper legal advice. Don't make him any promises today. Be as vague as you can except for "get out."

ImperialBlether Fri 15-Apr-16 14:36:42

Good advice from Tipsy.

Fidelia Fri 15-Apr-16 14:47:07

OP, are you married? It makes a big difference.

If not, are you joint tenants, tenants in common or only have one of your names on the deeds? This makes a difference too.

AntiqueSinger Fri 15-Apr-16 14:47:50

Do you have to have the 'talk' right now? Do you feel you can cope with it ATM?

Can you phone a friend or relative quickly and tell them to come to the house or just give them the heads up?

I'm concerned that any nasty things said during the talk could put you back where you were last week. You were suicidal. Doesn't usually change in a week.sad

VinceNoirLovesHowardMoon Fri 15-Apr-16 14:49:59

Are you married?
I'm sorry he's such a dick flowers

RedMapleLeaf Fri 15-Apr-16 14:56:05

Similar happened to me last year and it brought me to my knees. Sometimes literally. But I promise you that you can and will cope and one day you will be happy again.

I agree with others, do you want the talk today?

Is there somewhere you and DD can go tonight or for the weekend?

jip123 Fri 15-Apr-16 14:56:41

Yes we are married. He doesn't pay anything towards the mortgage, he is a SAHD but has recently started working part time. He has agreed to take £10k equity but won't/can't move out til I give it to him which could be 6 weeks

jip123 Fri 15-Apr-16 14:57:35

He says he has lost any fight for us, he doesn't even know if he wants to be with her, he has only known her a month

Badders123 Fri 15-Apr-16 15:07:35

Ok.
He needs to leave....he can stay with her cant he? Or a friend? Or family?
You need legal advice asap
You need him gone to be able to think clearly.
I'm so sorry.
What a bastard.

RatherBeRiding Fri 15-Apr-16 15:08:42

DON'T GIVE HIM A PENNY UNTIL YOU'VE HAD PROPER LEGAL ADVICE!!

In fact, don't "give" him anything. Let this go through the proper legal channels.

Good advice from Tipsy. Try not to panic - don't be railroaded into anything.

Do you have any family you could go stay with? If he won't move out - can you?

Valentine2 Fri 15-Apr-16 15:09:52

How come he owns the half of house if he was earning just £200 per month and you were taking care of the baby yourself (assuming this because you say you are now returning to work). Stand your ground. What a shame. It's his loss anyway.

tipsytrifle Fri 15-Apr-16 15:10:53

Don't make any actual agreements to anything with him. Mumble, agree to consider but do not agree to or sign anything, no matter how informally. Is it a joint mortgage? You DO need to see a solicitor. Maybe that's a good deal, maybe not and then, as you are married, there's DD support too.

Could he not just go away for a few days? I think as tears are bound to get you at some point soon, it would be more merciful if you were at home to shed them rather than elsewhere. Have you told family yet? Some RL support might help.

Valentine2 Fri 15-Apr-16 15:12:01

Did he contribute to the deposit of house? How much time did he spend taking care of you and DC while you were paying the bills?

Valentine2 Fri 15-Apr-16 15:13:05

Do not sign on any paper/agreement and don't discuss anything in written until you see a solicitor.not even via email or texts.

Thelittleredhead Fri 15-Apr-16 15:17:07

So sorry you're going through this jip, what a horrid situation. I've been there with the 'knowing something is going on but it's not being admitted'. It's so destructive to self esteem, self worth, and general happiness. But it WILL get better. At least...I'm hoping it willl. I'm still waiting, but mine is also fairly new.

Re the house...this may be my petty side but any chance you can just lock him out? Change the locks? I don't say that because I think you should 'punish' him but because for your own sanity you need to not be living under the same roof - like, now. He has made his bed, and he can lie in it, regardless of whether that bed is now 'sofa hopping with mates' or, sorry to say, with this other woman (with whom it WILL NOT last, btw). For your sake, and your DD's, you need him out, and he needs to understand that. If he won't go willingly, then...sorry, but tough shit. Chuck him out. Long term obviously you will need to come to a permanent arrangement, be that selling the house or whatever, but in the immediate this is best.

Take it from me, I am still living with mine, I am pregnant with a child he doesn't want, and my life is currently a living, breathing hell. I can't get any space from him or our issues, and it's killing me. If you can get it, take it. Good luck.

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