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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Does this make me a horrible person?

55 replies

Emochild · 15/04/2016 09:10

ExP and I have an informal arrangement around contact and maintenance payments

Last night he told me he moved in with his new girlfriend a month ago and has realised that because she has 2 children, the online calculator says he can pay less maintenance for our children -and will be doing as of next month

He now has our dc less than once a fortnight and has cancelled things with them to pick her daughter up from school etc

I would imagine that his girlfriend claims tax credits, based on the job I know she does. According to dd he still has his house and gets all his post delivered there -he told dd he needed to go round, get his post and 'make it look like someone lives there'

I'm seriously tempted to report them to tax credits, or at least tell him that I could

It's only £50 a month in his mind, but in my mind £50 a month is a lot of money not to have especially as I can't work due to DD1's SEN

Does that make me horrible?

OP posts:

Report

gandalf456 · 15/04/2016 09:13

I don't think you are horrible. You just sound angry and rightly so.

I'm not sure reporting them would be for the right reasons, though. I realise how wanky that sounds.

But I do know what you mean.

If it were me, I'd go down the emotional blackmail route and get the kids to moan at him that he doesn't want to spend time with them anymore. It would sound better coming from them rather than you because you'll just be a bitter ex wife.

RiceCrispieTreats · 15/04/2016 09:16

I think in these situations rules and legalities are there to help you: they're dispassionate and there to ensure that everyone gets a fair deal.

That means getting a formal arrangement in place, and reporting them if their actions mean that your DC are not getting the fair deal they are entitled to.

sooperdooper · 15/04/2016 09:16

Cheeky bastard, that's horrible :( Yes, tbh I agree with you, I'd be very tempted to report because it clearly sounds like he knows he shouldn't actually be living there, he's trying to get away with it and being underhand, his problem!

VocationalGoat · 15/04/2016 09:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Snoopydo · 15/04/2016 09:25

Go through the CMS for the maintenance payments.

Snoopydo · 15/04/2016 09:25

He will have to declare his living arrangements etc.

hellsbellsmelons · 15/04/2016 09:26

So he is officially living with her now then?
Because if he's not then can't claim he is reducing his payments.
No doubt, if it is not official, then she is getting a reduction in council tax payments and more tax credits than she should.
I would tell him this and request that he continue to pay the correct amount towards his DC until such a time as he 'officially' moves in with her otherwise you will report it.
I would, I really would.
It will cost them both a lot more than £50 a month if you were to report them.
So then the ball is in his court!

MrsBlimey · 15/04/2016 09:26

I thought the 'discount' only counted if it was your own children? So if a bloke bed hopped with a series of girl friends who all had kids, they couldn't get away with not paying for their own children?

Report away - he sounds like an utter arse.

TensionWheelsCoolHeels · 15/04/2016 09:27

I think if you went thru CMS then he would have to officially declare the fact he lives with someone with children in order for them to be taken into a/c to qualify for any reduction in maintenance.

You could simply mention that as he's decided to reduce maintenance as per CMS you think it might be best to go thru them officially to ensure he's right because, as you understand it, his gf's tax credits will be taken into a/c when calculating maintenance (so you might not be loosing quite as much as he thinks he can reduce his maintenance by) so he might want to mention to his gf that HMRC might be in touch about that. And watch while he suddenly realises that the loss of TCs for his gf will be far more than his £50 (and which I'd assume his gf would expect him to make up the difference seeing as it's him moving in that would have that impact).

I don't know much about the new CMS system but on the old CSA tax credits were taken into a/c when calculating income (my ex used to get WTC & that increased maintenance for my DD). I assume that's still the case so you wouldn't even need to report him.

Unicow · 15/04/2016 09:27

Report to cm people and let him deal. If he is trying to pay less cm by living with her but she's claiming single person credit they will figure it out. If he's done nothing wrong he will be fine.

Ginmakesitallok · 15/04/2016 09:27

Gandalf- I can't believe you just openly suggested using the kids to get to him!

TensionWheelsCoolHeels · 15/04/2016 09:27

Took me that long to type out I see others have had the same idea

MsMommie · 15/04/2016 09:28

Not horrible at all. You don't shake up with someone else and take on their kids financially at the detriment of your own child.
I think he sounds horrible.

Bagatelle1 · 15/04/2016 09:32

He can't say he is living with her to reduce maintenance to you on the one hand, whilst claiming to live by himself to avoid impacting her tax credits.

Definately report him, he is screwing both his kids and the government. Sounds like you are well rid

Emochild · 15/04/2016 09:33

Problem with going through CMS now is the fee involved plus the fact he has made it perfectly clear he will stop paying altogether if I pursue things officially

He's told me he can't have the DC to sleep as there is no room so they will have to sleep over at his parents if they want to sleep over, talks about having a dog and a cat, says his petrol costs have increased -so he's moved in all but officially
Won't give me the address or change it with the school

OP posts:

MrsBlimey · 15/04/2016 09:33

If you have his National Insurance number then even better as when/if you make the arrangement formal with the CMS then wherever he is if he does a bunk then they can take payments for you from his wages. They can also trace an address and therefore who else is registered at that address....and whether they may or may not be claiming any TCs etc.

Sorry - probably a further down the line than your original post was asking for but I hope it helps.

CitySnicker · 15/04/2016 09:37

Is he self employed?

Emochild · 15/04/2016 09:39

No he's not self employed but payments currently a voluntary arrangement so he could stop paying in the short term

OP posts:

MooseAndSquirrel · 15/04/2016 09:43

Its only £20 to go through CMS - the collection fees are only if he fails to pay and they have to deduct from work, in that case you'll be changed 7% (I think its 7 anyways) and he'll be charged 20% on top of his payment. But they try not to go down that road.
it'll cost his gf more than £50 to declare him so its worth threatening suggesting going through the proper channels at least. Worst case a one off payment is better than knowing your getting stiffed by him, whilst they are conning the system!

NewtoCornland · 15/04/2016 09:43

gandalf I am at your suggestion! Are you seriously saying you would involve the children in this and use them for 'emotional blackmail'? Seriously? You are exactly the type of person that give resident parents a bad name

OP, ignoring gandalf, I would report.

MrsBlimey · 15/04/2016 09:45

He's threatened to not pay if you want to pursue things, he wants things on his terms only. He wants to shag about with this new gf (how serious do you reckon it is?) and cosy up to her by dumping his kids and 'help' with hers.

What a misguided twat and a bully.

You have every right to go after him (yes I know the fees are an arse, but the principle remains). How sure are you even that he's being/been honest about his income to you anyway?

Call the CMS today and get the ball rolling with him. You owe it to yourself and your little ones. If you'd rather not do the TC thing about her then that's fine. They'll find out soon enough anyway. Chances are she'll boot him out in due course anyway when he shows his true colours.

If they're buying a pet then how can he/they justify paying for an animal above paying for his own children????? Ugh. Priorities, people.

Utter cockwomble.

MooseAndSquirrel · 15/04/2016 09:46

Xpost - it'll be backdated to the day you make the call, so unless he wants to mess the cms about enough for them to have to do a forced collection & then pay 20% more than his actual payment, its in his best interest to pay normally.

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Emochild · 15/04/2016 09:49

What a misguided twat and a bully

There's a reason he's an ex

He won't think about the long term consequences of messing the CMS about -he lives in a world according to him

OP posts:

MrsBlimey · 15/04/2016 09:52

Do it, do it, do it!!!

Sounds like he needs bringing down a notch or several. Go for it!

19lottie82 · 15/04/2016 09:59

I'm going to get flamed here but I'd do it without a doubt. Well maybe not actually report him, I'd have to have a think about that, but definitely tell him that If that was his decision then we would go through the official CMS service, where he would have to declare his living arrangements!

The reduction he is talking about because he has moved in with his DP and her DC's, is supposed to reflect the fact that she will have lost benefits when he moved in. He can't have his cake and eat it to the detriment of his own child!

Is he normally this selfish, or just not the brightest?

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