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Why is it so hard to leave?

(13 Posts)
MrsBluesky1 Thu 14-Apr-16 18:53:23

Been together 7 years two kids, for some of our story http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2584385-Emotionally-drained

I know I should leave. I know I no longer feel the same about him and too much has happened, or I'd be a fool to stay for it to get worse.

But then I think of splitting the family up, seeing him with someone else and having our children playing happy families. Is this normal? Why am I focusing so much on him and not on Myself? What if leaving him ends up being a huge mistake and I'm alone forever and ever?

MrsBluesky1 Thu 14-Apr-16 19:47:23

Anyone? Fwiw he's not living here. I just can't seem to wrap it up, and every time I try he cries and begs and I end up comforting him blush and it's like nothing happened. Somethings wrong with me?

314phone Thu 14-Apr-16 19:56:01

My theory is that the self-administered anaesthetic that, well, anaesthetises you to the boredom and misery and suffering helps you get through the day on a minute by minute basis. But it dulls the fight or flight.

Ijustwannabreakfree Thu 14-Apr-16 20:11:35

Hi bluesky, I am in a similar position in that my 'd'h is occasionally emotionally abusive and also has narsassistic tendencies, basically he's an arse and I need to leave (we are still living together) but something is stopping me from taking that final leap.
Some people like to plan their escape but I think I will just snap one day soon and go, every time I plan it I wimp out!
Not much advice I know but I'm here in the same boat if you need to talk or 😭

expotition Thu 14-Apr-16 20:19:45

For me there are at least 2 things: one is that you're having to adjust your view of him fast, confront things consciously, & that process is deeply unbalancing, leaves you unsure of yourself. Another is that you have strong ethics and feel you must explain yourself to him. One of the things I've learnt is that anyone who can ignore a "no" when it comes to sex is unlikely to think you have the right to split up with him unilaterally.

You don't need his permission to leave him. Find some of your anger and stop worrying about being fair to him. Big hugs. flowers

MrsBluesky1 Thu 14-Apr-16 20:53:58

314phone - like self preservation? I keep thinking whether it would be easier to pretend none of this happened...

Ijustwannabreakfree - I hope you manage to do it.flowers for you. What do you think is stopping you? Fear?

Exposition - yes its shaken my foundations and I'm not sure if I'm overreacting. I desperately want him to see how he's made me feel and understand he's abuse ways and get explanations from him. As though he will have an epiphany. He claims he knows it was all wrong, and doesn't remember half of the horrible stuff he says or does so has to take my word for it hmm never takes responsibility over the smallest things, it's always something g else's fault or some bullshit excuse is made, never 'I fucked up. I'm sorry.'

And no, he doesn't respect my right to end the relationship as he says 'that's not what I want'...

Is it a self esteem issue worrying about him post split as surely I shouldn't care about him moving on?

mumndad37 Thu 14-Apr-16 21:09:29

It means giving up on the future you thought you were working toward, all your plans and hopes when you got together..... Google "sunk costs" and you'll see a lot on how once you put a certain amount of effort into something, it's just plain hard to give up. So you keep trying, even when you shouldn't. It's actually pretty normal, unless you're one of the few people who have righteous indignation working for you.... try channeling some of that!

314phone Thu 14-Apr-16 21:50:35

Do it. I'm not a strong person but I did it. It felt crazily dramatic. It felt like I was being ludicrously self-dramatic. Hard to explain. I think it's because you put up with shit day after day so you think 'why today?'' why react today? why react to this shit?! so you're not thinking god, years and years and years of this. You're thinking but I put up with this shit yesterday and the day before so why today and why this shit.

I think I feared I would regret it. For some unfathomable reason I genuinely feared I would regret burning my bridges confused but the moment I did it I felt relieved, and then empowered. I felt like I was building something new and it was scary at times but it was freedom.

My x didn't respect my right to end the relationship either. I wasted YEarS TRYING to get him to acknowledge my perspective, never mind my right to leave.

Eventually I walked away knowing I'd have to live with his low opinion of me.

Well, now, if somebody pointed to a stranger in the distance and said that stranger thinks you're selfish, you're impetuous, you're chaotic, dramatic, hysterical, you're needy, you're never satisfied, blah blah blah, I@d just shrug. THAT is the same way I feel now about my x's low opinion of me. What he thinks of me is none of my business.

It doesn't happen over night but it does happen. Breaking contact helps. Read up about NC.

314phone Thu 14-Apr-16 21:57:08

REad Lundy B ancroft ''why does he do that'' and also Anne Dickson's a woman in your own right (that one is about self-esteem) it's great.

rememberthetime Thu 14-Apr-16 22:49:12

Think of it this way. things aren't getting any better where you are - in fact the only thing you know for sure is that they won't get better. if you leave you know nothing for sure - but you do know things will be different.
What do you want... the same old thing day after day or something different? Those are your choices. it might be good or it might be bad - but you may never find out.

tipsytrifle Thu 14-Apr-16 23:01:33

If he isn't living with you does this mean he has actually left? That you are separated now? Did you ask him to leave and he complied?

There is no joy to be had from expecting an abuser to acknowledge they did you wrong. It's just not going to happen. How do you end up comforting him while he cries and begs? I kind of think this scenario is pure torture and should be removed from your world. You need to move on and out of this emotional environment and get used to being your true free self. Current behaviour seems to be dragging you down into the past when it's now and the future you need to face.

Apologies if I've misread the situation - will catch up on your previous thread tomorrow.

HauntedChair Fri 15-Apr-16 13:27:19

I'm not a strong person but I did it. It felt crazily dramatic. It felt like I was being ludicrously self-dramatic. Hard to explain.
this is exactly how i feel.

My theory is that the self-administered anaesthetic that, well, anaesthetises you to the boredom and misery and suffering helps you get through the day on a minute by minute basis. But it dulls the fight or flight.
this struck a chord too, hopefully once out we start to "wake up".

314phone you articulate my your feelings well. i'm on the brink right now and am feeling slightly ridiculous about the basic precautions i'm putting in place.

OP, i too worry enormously that what i'm about to do is a mistake, however deep down there is a little bit of me that knows it's not. that knows i should never have been treated like this or put up with it. and knows i need to get out. it's like a small flicker but i'm determined not to let it go out!

it seems that it's also harder to leave while it's kept behind closed doors, staying feels like the "easier" option, i know it did for me and reading here seems to confirm this.

just my thoughts though.

i wish you much strength flowers

MrsBluesky1 Fri 15-Apr-16 17:00:16

Mumndad37 - yes definitely that. The emotional investment, and knowing the future will be far removed from what I imagined.

314phone - thank you for inspiring me. I'm currently in limbo which is prolonging everything g and once I make the final cut it will hurt but I know I'll be free. Im currently numb

Remember the time- he's currently being super nice and it's so misleading, but youre right.

Tipsytrifle- be only left because I said I needed the space and we can see if we can rebuild slowly or he would never have gone. I just want him to see how he can't have loved me to do what he did and we will all be happier apart to which I suppose he rightly tells me I can't tell him how to feel.

And I can identify with everything you wrote haunted chair

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