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EA or am I dramatic?

(13 Posts)
Christmascheerful Wed 13-Apr-16 15:54:11

Firstly I'm a long term MN and regular replier to posts don't want to link this to my usual name so using my christmas one.

DH and I have been together 9 years married for 3 with a young DC (under 6mo)

He's 90% a lovely guy. But since having the baby I feel like he may be emotionally abusive but then he makes out like im dramatic?
So eg he is out of the house for long hours for work and has a hobby which can take up quite a few hours in evenings and a full day at weekends. He had said he would give this up when the baby came until the next season started (aug/sept) this never happened he has just continued with the same routine and when I was stressed out from the thought of facing yet another fu day at the weekend with the LO and confronted him as to why he never stuck to his promise he said he just needed the escape and I had to deal with it.
He recently came home drunk from a day with his family and baby was asleep. He went to bed and I could hear baby stirring through the monitor so went up to settle. He was VERY drunk and had said so himself prior to going to bed. He was holding the baby. I offered to take the baby and settle for him to get to bed I did say "as you are drunk" he declined so I went to loo to brush my teeth. When I returned she started to speak me to in an aggressive way, low tone of voice so not to wake baby but swearing and saying how I was completely out of order to try and dictate to him that he can't hold/care for his own child. How dare I say he's drunk etc. I tried to reason with him (impossible with a drunk person I understand) but he then continued to say how "he doesn't know how/why but I've been getting on his tits all day" and also that "I treat him like shit"
I was hysterically upset. Today he's txt to apologise and I replied we will talk later.
This isn't the only example of him flying off the handle being aggressive when drunk.
Oh also I "goad him" into this behaviour. He's never hit me
Any advice?

CommonBurdock Wed 13-Apr-16 16:00:29

Yes. Ask him what he intends to do to prevent that behaviour from ever reoccurring and then decide what you want to do on the basis of his reply.

Drunk in charge of a baby? No, just no. Never OK.

Christmascheerful Wed 13-Apr-16 16:10:39

Usually he/I would be in the guest bedroom but it was occupied so if someone has had a drink they have no contact with baby.
Absolutely agree a drunk person should never be left with baby...This sounds bad but I knew he would flip if I tried to take baby off him that's why I calmly left it to brush my teeth and then I was coming straight back in to bed but he flipped anyway so...

kittybiscuits Wed 13-Apr-16 17:20:47

Hi OP. Maybe give some thought to how much of the time your words and actions are guided by not upsetting or antagonising him. What you are describing here does not sound good at all.

Christmascheerful Wed 13-Apr-16 17:37:48

True kitty... he's come home from work but just asked general questions about the baby and my plans for tomorrow hmm

pallasathena Wed 13-Apr-16 18:01:07

Tell him this isn't what you signed up for. You are being disrespected and its simply not on.

Christmascheerful Wed 13-Apr-16 18:19:56

Thanks everyone
I feel silly posting about this but I needed to clear my head and it's really helped to just get my thoughts out there
I don't think I've articulated myself very well here but I really appreciate anyone reading and responding! I'll maybe try and talk to him about it later when baby has gone to bed.
Thanks

haveacupoftea Wed 13-Apr-16 18:31:24

If this is only when he's drunk then he is going to have to choose between you and drinking.

Christmascheerful Wed 13-Apr-16 19:07:14

haveacupoftea that's something ill be discussing with him if we ever do talk about it... he's like an absolutely different person. I guess my title should have been "drunk husband is a twat and thinks I'm dramatic"

Melbournemel Wed 13-Apr-16 19:34:14

He is minimising by avoiding discussing the issue with you OP. He has already apologised so he knows he was wrong. He is hoping you'll let it slide by not mentioning it now that he is home. If you stick your head in the sand and don't have it out with him then he will see it as a green light to behave the same way in future as he knows there will be no consequences.

flowers to you OP, it's a difficult situation

Thelittleredhead Wed 13-Apr-16 19:39:52

"If we do ever talk about it" isn't an option. Don't let him dictate whether or not you have this conversation, it's not one he'll ever choose to have. Take charge.

Christmascheerful Wed 13-Apr-16 19:47:16

I've just been reading another thread on relationships and quite a few things resonate... your right he is minimising...

Part of me thinks I'm too young to be in a marriage which makes me unhappy... I'm only mid 20s...

I'm going to get baby to sleep and tell him that things need to change

Joysmum Wed 13-Apr-16 19:59:40

Yep, time to express your needs. He needs his escape, you need yours. Time for him to step up.

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