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I need to move on from this.

(18 Posts)
cherrypiew4 Wed 13-Apr-16 10:22:04

I have posted before I found out husband had been having an affair last year. We have been going to counselling and he tries very hard to make it work but its not working for me. We go out spend time together talk lots, he reassures me phones when he is out and about but its not enough. I just don't feel the same for him anymore. Recently I found out ow is in a new relationship I feel so angry it all really meant nothing to her she gets to move on with her life like nothing happend and yet mine still feels like it is in pieces. I just don't know how to move on from this and what more he can do not sure what I am asking really.

loveyoutothemoon Wed 13-Apr-16 11:05:53

Does he know how you feel- that it's not working for you?

janaus Wed 13-Apr-16 11:30:11

Oh Cherry, I so feel for you. I know how you feel.

hellsbellsmelons Wed 13-Apr-16 11:49:51

How long has it been since you found out?
This all takes time.
I've seen posts on here where women have taken years to get back to where it once was.
Just because you said you would move on doesn't mean you have to.
If it isn't working for you then it isn't.
Are there kids involved?

I couldn't forgive but we are all very different.
Have you had counselling on your own?
This might be really helpful for you to explore all your feelings without him there.

Lots of couples do come out of the other side.
Lots don't though and this is your life and your relationship and ultimately, your decision.

How do you see things in a year or 5 years?
Are still with him?
Are you happy?
Have you moved on with your life and had a lovely time being single?
Have you found a lovely man who won't lie and cheat?

I always say the forgiveness road is the hardest and by far the longest and it takes real strength to get through it and come out the other side.

WhatsGoingOnEh Wed 13-Apr-16 11:51:01

Read, "Women who stay with men who stray".

cherrypiew4 Wed 13-Apr-16 12:03:00

He knows how I feel counselling is helping with this we both now talk more and openly about how we feel. We have changed things in the marriage that we were not happy with before he has moved jobs so he can be closer to home we have a lot more time together.

Hells I found out 7 months ago. We have children I do think I would of left if we did not have any I have told him this.

hellsbellsmelons Wed 13-Apr-16 12:17:06

I don't think you will ever the same way about him again.
Things have happened and you can't forget them.
But.... you are trying. He is doing all he can.
It's been 7 months.
This kind of thing usually takes a minimum of a year before you start to see an up-turn.
Can you give it more time?
What do you really want out of your life now?

cherrypiew4 Wed 13-Apr-16 12:32:41

I know I will never feel the same about him again I see him differently now. I use to see a man who I thought loved only me now I see a man who can cheat and do all those things that comes with cheating. I do still love him but he is diiferent to me if that makes sense. I did tell him I would give it a year and I do feel I should stick to this we keep working towards different points to help when we get there we sit down talk and decide the next point. First it was work towards christmas then easter now its half term in May. I just want to feel happy again and when I look at him I am not.

ArundelTomb Wed 13-Apr-16 12:50:15

I like to think I'm quite French about affairs. If they are fantasy based escapes from the monotony of life then I'd like to think I could forgive, with a Gallic shrug. But I know I couldn't stand the thought of any voiced
disloyalty towards me. If they discussed my defects and the intricacies of our life together. Ugh.

Your relationship needs to evolve into its new phase. The power balance in the relationship is shifting to accommodate the people you really are, rather than the people you thought you were. It's bound to be uncomfortable.

I know lots of people who have made their relationships work (and they aren't even French). I know many more who have tried but failed. Accept you won't feel the same about each other ever again. There's no shame in calling it a day if you feel he is no longer what you want and need.

Rainbowlou1 Wed 13-Apr-16 13:48:27

I could have written your post pretty much..it's so tough isn't it, having to adjust to taking one day at a time rather than 'knowing' you'll be together forever..
I hope what ever your outcome you find happiness xx

hellsbellsmelons Wed 13-Apr-16 13:52:31

but he is different to me if that makes sense
I absolutely understand this.
And that is the reason why I didn't stay to make it work with my ExH.
For me there was no coming back from what he did to me.

LaConnerie Wed 13-Apr-16 13:57:17

All that jumps out to me from your post is that you say 'I need to move on from this', as if you feel you are failing to deal with it as you think you should.

But IMHO, you are dealing with it the best you can. You are keeping going and have even been prepared to give it another go. I don't know if I could do that. But if you feel that you have had enough, you have every right to call it a day.

pallasathena Wed 13-Apr-16 15:25:56

If something's broken it stays broken. Sometimes you can glue it back together and pretend not to see the cracks...

Bree85 Wed 13-Apr-16 15:56:05

That is why I believe that the most important thing in a relationship is trust. When trust is broken, everything is broken. No matter how much you fix things, the scars are still visible.

AnyFucker Wed 13-Apr-16 20:01:54

what is this thing about being "French" about affairs ?

what generalising coswallop

I have a couple of French friends (independent of each other)

They feel the same as me: infidelity is a deal breaker

Marilynsbigsister Wed 13-Apr-16 20:11:45

I am t really sorry OP. I think you need to set yourself a date (in your head) by which you feel you should start to trust your DH again. If that doesn't work, then it's time to live apart. That may well kick start your feelings- what it actually is like for him not to have you/ you onto have him- although it's also possible that you are both happier without each other...

Marilynsbigsister Wed 13-Apr-16 20:13:07

'Onto' .. = not to

ButIbeingpoor Wed 13-Apr-16 20:24:39

I stayed with my exH for years but it was never the same. I'm so sorry that I stuck in a miserable marriage instead of moving on. If I knew then what I know now, eh?
Some people can set an infidelity aside and make a new relationship together. Some even say their new relationship was stronger and better.
Not me. I always felt a little worthless, dirty, tarnished. And he was the one who cheated.

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