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Relationships

separation of sex and love?

7 replies

ItsNotTheBestOfFeelings · 12/04/2016 20:35

This is probably going to sound strange but not sure why this is happening.

I've NC'd for this.

I'm married and been with my partner for 7 years, I'm in my mid twenties.

I have no problem of thinking about sex in a general sense but I feel weird about it with someone I care about re: partner.

I guess I feel like it should be dirty or not completely enjoyed.

How could I change my view on this? I'm aware it's not healthy.

Just as not to drip feed I was in a semi-abusive relationship beforehand (about 9 months before we got together).

I've also been touched without permission but by those my age or just a few years older.

Any advice how to work out how to be normal would be great.

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ItsNotTheBestOfFeelings · 12/04/2016 20:36

Normal in the comfortable with sex thing.

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huskylover · 12/04/2016 20:50

Sometimes our Partners can start to feel like flat mates or siblings, if the sexual side of the relationship has been neglected. Could that be it? Long dry spells can make it hard to see your DP as a sexual person again.

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Kr1stina · 12/04/2016 20:54

You are normal - it's normal to feel very mixed up about sex after you have been abused . Please don't think there's something wrong with you. What happened to you was not your fault .

If your feelings are troubling you , it might help to go for some counselling or join a support group, either online on in RL . Many people find that once they talk about what happened to them and hear others women's stories, it really helps them sort our their feelings and work out what they want in a relathioship now .

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Kr1stina · 12/04/2016 20:56

I'm guessing that these abusive things happened to you when you were a child or a young teenager, if you have been with your DH since you were 18 ?

Is that right ?

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ItsNotTheBestOfFeelings · 13/04/2016 01:03

I was touched by a female friend and threatened at 11.

I was first inappropriately touched at 13.

My ex I was with at the end of sixteen to mid seventeen. I lost my virginity in fear as the weekend before he tried to rape me. Many other times afterwards I said no but he either held me down or emotionally blackmailed me- but he was generally quite emotionally abusive.

I guess what I feel is I should not enjoy sex.

I love cuddling my partner that feels lovely- it's like sex should be with someone I dislike or don't care for but hugs should be for the one I love.

You can't say that doesn't sound weird.

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Kr1stina · 13/04/2016 02:51

You are not weird. You have a very normal human reaction to being sexually abused as a child and raped as a teenager. Many survivors of abuse feel like you do .

What happened it not your fault .

But there is help out there for you . You need to stop blaming yourself for being odd and reach out for help .

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ItsNotTheBestOfFeelings · 13/04/2016 12:20

I guess I've always blamed myself for most things.

Thank you for your sincere advice.