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Under pressure to have an abortion

(50 Posts)
Underpressureandsad Tue 12-Apr-16 09:32:15

Hi everyone.

I've name-changed for this because...well, just because. I hope that's ok.

I'll try to keep this as short as possible. I slept with my ex just as we were breaking up. He'd been slowly torturing me for months and months, breaking up and reeling me back in, sleeping with another girl and lying about it (until I found out they'd been on holiday together!!), slowly grinding me down, etc.

A few weeks later I found out I'm pregnant. At first, the first 10 days or so, he was scared but supportive. We still live together (long story) and he was super sweet and looking after me.Told me we'll find a way, we'll do it together, of course I won't be a single mother. Then he completely flipped it on his head, sobbed and screamed and said I was ruining his life. Eventually I booked to have an abortion at 7.5 weeks, becasue I couldn't cope with the idea of that for the rest of my life, even though I desperately didn't want to have an abortion. A few days before he called me to say he didn't think I should do it, that he loves me, that we'll make it work, that he can't bear the idea of me having a family with someone else in the future. I said I'd think about it. Went to the clinic but couldn't go thruogh with it. When I told him I hadn't done it, he hit the roof, threw all sorts of abuse and insults at me, told me I'd done this on purpose, I'm a cold, calculating, manipulative bitch etc. We weren't in the same country for a couple of weeks but he said we needed to talk when I got back. That talk happened on Saturday. I said I'd made a decision to go ahead with the pregnancy (I'm now 11 weeks, and have had a scan and seen a little foetus wiggling around and heart beating away strongly). He cried, then shouted and swore at me, then left saying he was going to throw himself off a bridge, then came back and screamed at me some more. Grabbed a kitchen knife and locked himself in the bathroom and threatened to slit his throat (and flinched - ever so slightly - towards me when I said 'oh well why don't you just stab me in the stomach, it's clearly what you want' - which I said because I was hoping it would show him how ridiculous he was being).

Now it turns out that this other girl, with whom he's been telling me all along he's no longer seeing, has been waiting patiently for him to move out of our flat so they can be together, and he is devastated that he has to tell her about this (becasue obviously he's been stringing her along, and was sleeping with her as well, and she has no idea about any of this) and it's going to 'ruin his life' and make everyone hate him, etc. This all came out Saturday night and Sunday. So I told him Sunday fine, I'll have the abortion, because I can't cope any more and am starting to resent the baby. He came home Sunday night and told me I don't have to do anything I don't want to do, and told me all the things he loves about me, and all the things he couldn't bear to live without if I had an abortion and wasn't in his life anymore. And that it will all be ok. We had a lovely, calm evening until the OW phoned to have a go at him about something (because she clearly knows at this point that something is going on, given that he was supposed to move out last month and hasn't). He flipped again and has been giving me abuse ever since about how I don't care about him or his life or his future or anything.

Sorry, that was really long and rambly, but I haven't slept for days and I am a total mess. I still love him so I can't bear to see him hurting but at the same time, he's hurting because he's been so dishonest with everyone. My question is...firstly...has anyone ever been under this much pressure to have an abortion, and resisted it? Has anyone ever not had the abortion and then regretted not doing it? And does anyone have any experience dealing with a man like this, whom I suspect is something of a narcissist? How do I deal with it? I feel broken and defeated. He tells me he can't bear to see me upset so I don't have to have an abortion, and then when I don't, he punishes me for it. I am so desperate, I don't know what to do, and I am TERRIFIED that if I have the baby I will just resent it for being at the centre of how utterly unpleasant my life is right now.

Please help me sad

PurpleDaisies Tue 12-Apr-16 09:37:36

Don't do anything until you've had some time away from this man and worked out what you want to do. He sounds absolutely toxic and even if you had an abortion I seriously doubt things would get any better.

This is totally your decision to make. Could you talk to a counsellor to help you work out what you want to do? If ypu want to have an abortion that's fine, but if you do it just to try and save your relationship you could well end up regretting it.

Underpressureandsad Tue 12-Apr-16 09:43:28

The relationship is completely over. Sorry, i wasn't completely clear about that. Though I still love him, we are no longer together, he has made it very clear that we never will be. I'm wondering about abortion because I feel so horribly guilty that I am ruining his life, because he has the ability to make me feel terrible about this for the rest of time, because I'm not sure it's fair to bring a child into the world whose father insists on referring to it as a 'horrible mistake that I should have erased the minute I found out', and because I am already so ground down that I don't know how I will cope with no support. I don't live in the same country as my family and friends, but my job is here and financially I wouldn't be able to manage if I go home. I don't want to have an abortion but I feel backed into a corner where it is my only option. I either live with my own devastation at that for the rest of my life or with his hatred and my guilt. Choices, choices.

Yambabe Tue 12-Apr-16 09:46:56

The first thing to do is get him out of your home and your life, at least temporarily, and get yourself some calm space to think.

What he wants is really irrelevant here, the important thing is what YOU want and if that is your child then you should go ahead with the pregnancy. Being a single parent isn't easy but it's certainly do-able.

Let him go and have his histrionics with his OW and leave you in peace to make the decision that is yours alone. If he was adamant that he didn't want the baby and wouldn't be involved then you could bear that in mind when you are considering, but he isn't is he? He's creating stress and drama and making it all about him when it should be all about you.

category12 Tue 12-Apr-16 09:47:21

You really need to get the hell away from this man. He needs to move out or you should. Run away.

Then make a decision for yourself under the understanding you will go it alone.

The last thing you need in your life is this man.

I would think seriously about being tied to him through the potential child, contact and all that mess. But it's your decision.

But please get the fuck away from him whatever you choose.

whattodoforthebest2 Tue 12-Apr-16 09:47:48

Hi, OP, I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this horrible, abusive arsehole of a man. I hope you realise that he's no good for you and that you really can't rely on him for support, honesty or fidelity, whether it's right now or in the future. He's showing you how unreliable he is and how nasty and unsupportive at a time when you most need him. HE WILL NOT CHANGE.

Do you have anyone in RL you can talk to and get support from?

You need to think very carefully about your situation - where you're living, family/friends nearby that can support you etc. Make your decision without his input, don't expect support or cooperation from him, but he will have to provide financial support for your baby.

Keep posting on here - there's lots of support which will help you see things more clearly.

flowers

whattodoforthebest2 Tue 12-Apr-16 09:48:55

Sorry, OP, cross-posted.

magoria Tue 12-Apr-16 09:51:53

Really tough decision for you to make.

Have this child and you are going to link you life forever to this nasty man who will probably treat you child exactly the same depending on how is current girlfriend is upset and getting at him. All the shit you are going through now going on forever because you love your DC and want him to be a good dad.

There may also be massive fall out when his girlfriend finds out you are having his child.

Have a termination and you cut this man fully out of your life and once you go your separate ways never have to deal with him again.

Only you can make this decision.

If you want to keep this child no one has the right to stop you. I think it is the harder option with this man. You will have to be strong until this child is grown.

Be prepared for the 'it's not mine' and don't expect any help practically or financially .

Good luck!

whattodoforthebest2 Tue 12-Apr-16 09:54:32

OK, so I see that you've split up.

What are your living arrangements like now? Could you manage financially where you are if you continued with the pregnancy? Could you reasonably expect to return to work and organise/pay for childcare? It's obviously a big decision, but plenty of women face this situation and do manage.

It sounds from your OP that your instinct was to continue with the pregnancy, but your exP was the reason you were thinking of an abortion. Is that the case?

BooAvenue Tue 12-Apr-16 09:56:24

I was in pretty much exactly the same situation as you in my early 20s.

I went through with the abortion at 11 weeks and yes, it hurt me like fuck to do it as I already loved the baby inside me. It took me a year to "get over it" and stop feeling so empty. I still get the odd pang of "what if" now almost 10 years later.

However, I am extremely glad I do not have to deal with my ex anymore, after the abortion we went NC and have been ever since. The thought of still having to speak to him on a regular basis brings me out in a cold sweat. I now have a loving husband and two lovely DC, so whilst I can't say I don't "regret" having an abortion, I have come to terms with it and I think it was the right choice for me.

Obviously everyone feels differently and if you want this baby then you should 100% have it, but I just thought I'd share my experience flowers.

alltouchedout Tue 12-Apr-16 09:57:43

You can't rely on this man. In your shoes I would assume he won't be involved or supportive in any way, ever, and make my decision on that basis.
You have time. I have come under pressure to abort but the circumstances were very different. Even so I understand the terror of wanting to continue the pregnancy whilst the other person involved does not want you to.
You can talk your options through with bpas or similar (just avoid 'counselling' from an anti abortion organisation, they will not be helping you make a balanced choice but pressuring you to continue the pregnancy at all costs).
I hope you find the right choice for you, op.

whattodoforthebest2 Tue 12-Apr-16 10:01:48

As Magoria says, if you have the baby, you will always have to deal with your exP. He may grow up and take some responsibility, but it's likely he will always behave like an idiot and cause unnecessary stress.

Underpressureandsad Tue 12-Apr-16 12:30:14

Thank you everyone for the replies.

whattodoforthebest you are exactly right. I had an abortion (same guy) a couple of years ago because he threw a tantrum and said a baby would ruin our relationship, and I bitterly regretted it. I really want to have children and, although this situation is far from ideal, I really wanted to avoid having another abortion and to make the best of this. But the way he's behaving means that, as many of you have pointed out, I am dreading the prospect of always having to deal with him. He has said many times that he doesn't want this, but when I gave him an 'out' and told him he could just walk away and not have anything to do with it, he refused and said he WILL have access etc. He can even stop me leaving the country if he so chooses. But, I can manage financially, I have a good job and the maternity leave/pay here is very generous.

Booavenue I would do the same without a second thought, I think, if I were in my early 20s. But I'm not. I'm hurtling towards my mid 30s and honestly when we were breaking up I didn't think I'd ever get to have kids, because I was so completely heartbroken that I thought by the time I got over him it'd be too late for me to meet someone, start a relationship, fall in love etc and have a baby. I keep wondering, what if this is my only chance?

It's important for me to have un-emotionally attached people look at the situation from the outside and remind me that he is NOT going to change. Urgh, I don't know what to do. I can't sleep or eat properly and I feel sick all the time. This sucks.

FlounderingWildly Tue 12-Apr-16 12:53:14

How exactly can he stop you leaving the country? You are not married right? If you didn't register the baby with his name I don't see how he can stop you if you so wanted.
I also doubt very much if he would actually persue access and keep up contact.

In my opinion you need to kick him out if you can or you need to move out. Sever ties and make a decision when you have that headspace.

OnceAMeerNotAlwaysAMeer Tue 12-Apr-16 12:54:43

Jesus fucking christ he's a nightmare isn't he?

It sounds to me like you really want this baby badly. You can survive financially. Is there any chance you can make sure that he's not in any way in contact with the baby? Given the violence he has shown, can the authorities intervene? Would they support you keeping WELL away, or would they force contact? He is a nightmare partner and he will be a nightmare father - dear god, don't usually say this but the OW sounds to be pitied. If he absolutely pushes for contact, how will you handle that? how will you protect the baby from him and minimize the effects of his behaviour? Best case here is that this man really will just walk away!

From what you write, it sounds like you will live with regret if you do have a termination. But I think you have to think AND PLAN very carefully what will happen in the future if you have this baby.

On the good side, if he is involved with someone else then you can hope that her influence will make him want the baby around less. Harsh to say and a bit politically incorrect, but it can happen.

Right now, finding out your exact legal position is your best bet and also, recording each incident of abuse - especially violence. You have to keep your feet on the ground and work hard night now to -plan- what's likely to happen and how much involvement he can / would have.

Underpressureandsad Tue 12-Apr-16 12:57:56

Floundering funnily enough I was just reading your thread. Sounds like we have a couple of charmers on our hands!

We are not married, and he can't stop me leaving but he can stop me taking the baby. Even if I don't register him as the father, he will be able to take me to court to prove he is. And he will, out of spite if nothing else.

I can't really afford the rent on our place by myself, but i can get out. I've known I should for months (we broke up just after New Year) but haven't been able to face it. It's like I'm addicted to him, it's pathetic.

I feel like my heart is breaking.

Underpressureandsad Tue 12-Apr-16 13:02:21

Oh and just to clarify - OW thinks we've been broken up all this time. I know enough about her to know that once she finds out about this she will no longer be the OW. I know EXACTLY how he will have been stringing her along, telling her it's completely over with us, but I'm too fragile for him to publically get into a new relationship right away so she has to wait (I know because he did it to me when we were first together after he got divorced), but how he really likes her, and there's nothing between us any more. Now she's going to find out that not only was he still sleeping with me until a couple of months back, but that he's known for 7 weeks that I'm pregnant and he hasn't said anything, has continued to hang out with her and do things with her and let her think they're going to be together (which he'll have been doing because he has always thought he will win and I'll have an abortion and she'll never have to know). God, the more I type the angrier I feel.

thelastwingedthing Tue 12-Apr-16 13:09:37

Would your family and friends in your home country be able to help you for a while if you did go home while pregnant? Any chance of a transfer through your employer?

Eighteen years is a long time to be trapped in a place you don't want to be because of some dickwad who wants to control you (assuming that you would want to go home at some point).

FlounderingWildly Tue 12-Apr-16 13:20:54

Do you think he actually would go through with taking you to court? I totally understand he would make you think he would but would he actually carry through his threat? You know, make it public, especially if you have logged any violence or abusive behaviour with police/ womens aid/ doctors etc?
You need a plan. You need to look for a new place for you which you can afford. You need to extricate all your joint finances. You need to ensure any abuse is logged somewhere with someone. He threatened suicide and grabbed a knife, that is not someone who can be trusted with a baby. You need sleep in order to think properly. Do you have anyone you can tell that you can trust to fight your corner and help you to plan?

RaspberryOverload Tue 12-Apr-16 13:26:31

He can even stop me leaving the country if he so chooses.

He can't stop you leaving before the baby is born, I believe. If you want to keep the baby, it might be worth considering moving somewhere else.

BooAvenue Tue 12-Apr-16 14:10:46

I will caveat what I'm about to say by saying it is by no means meant to pressure you into an abortion, and of course you should keep the baby if you feel strongly about it.

I'm assuming you are 34ish at the moment from what you've said, if so you probably have approx another 7 year window where you could have a baby. IMO that is ample time to meet someone new and form a good relationship if that's what you are worried about, and even if you didn't, there would be nothing to stop you using a sperm donor to have a baby on your own in 2-3 years time.

I was adamantly against abortion before I had one myself and believe me I had extensive legal advice regarding how to try and limit my scumbag ex's influence on mine/the baby's life, and the conclusion was don't put him on the birth certificate and hope he doesn't go through court for parental responsibility. If he had have gone to court (which I strongly suspect he may have done) and got PR then I wouldn't have been rid of him for 18 years, I honestly think having to deal with him for all that time would have driven me to a nervous breakdown.

You could leave the country whilst still pregnant, but then I think you face the issue of what will you tell your child? No matter how much of a shit your ex is you are then essentially denying your child a relationship with a father who wants access.

I have often seen on this board (and I'm not suggesting this has happened on this thread) a million different solutions suggested to try and keep the ex out of the baby's life etc. and the idea that if you want the baby enough it can be made to work being strongly pushed, however I truly believe sometimes it is just too hard, too much and women set themselves up for a fucking tough 18 years by continuing with pregnancies where shit men are involved (I am by no means judging or saying continuing with these pregnancies is "wrong").

I don't think there is any shame in admitting that yes, sometimes it is just too hard, no matter how much you may love/want the baby. flowers

Underpressureandsad Tue 12-Apr-16 14:15:16

The situation I'm in is quite complicated - I work in Germany, for a German employer with no presence outside the country, so I can't transfer anywhere else. If I stay here, I am entitled to generous maternity allowance, including 12 weeks on full pay and another year on just under half pay. If I go back home I have to find a new job (not easy for a pregnant lady!) and even if I could do so, I wouldn't be entitled to anything but the statutory leave and pay.

I have told a couple of people IRL and am getting good support, but I haven't told anyone the full full story, which is that there is part of me still hoping he'll come round (not to a relationship, but to the baby), sees the good in him, feels guilty and desperately sorry for him, and feels unable to leave because then I'd leave him with nothing and it'll all be my fault and he will feel totally abandoned. He already thinks everyone's going to hate him for this, I can't add to that. And I know it makes me totally pathetic and probably means I'll be a terrible mother, and I'm so ashamed of myself, but I just can't abandon him like that.

Also he said he'll 'lawyer up and sue the f**k out of me' if I do, so there's that.

What a massive twat I have been.

FlounderingWildly Tue 12-Apr-16 14:24:54

Are you English? Is he German or English or something else?
I will pm you. I hope that is ok?

FreeProteinFromTheSky Tue 12-Apr-16 14:28:45

In your shoes I would have a termination and get a certificate to prove it. I would then choose a lovely sperm donor with a brain and a spine, get upduffed with a baby of different DNA from your bell end of a recently ex and be happy for ever after with that decision and my lovely baby. Walk away from him with your head held high. He will always wonder what if. You will always have known the what if.

niceupthedance Tue 12-Apr-16 15:04:11

Hmm. I'm a bit different than you in that I had a child outside of a relationship. However my child's father is a dick who has never supported his son financially or otherwise. When I was pregnant I was a bit obsessed about whether he was going to 'step up', be involved, tell his family etc. Wasting all that energy getting upset during and after my pregnancy was my biggest regret. You need to concentrate on you. Also I'll add, it's fucking hard being a single parent from birth if you have zero support. Just something to think about.

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