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Don't know what to do or how to feel- domestic violence related.

(30 Posts)
toscurry4 Mon 11-Apr-16 18:18:07

Last night my on/off boyfriend of the past year came over, we're currently off for about three weeks but have still been talking/texting a lot. I let him in and we started talking but it quickly escalated into an argument. He took my phone and keys off me (he usually does this whenever we start arguing) and wouldn't not let me have them back and he locked the doors. He soon got quite aggressive and in my face and was shouting questions at me and he slapped me when I didn't answer them, it wasn't very hard but he soon got really aggressive and was knocking me around the room and pinning me onto the furniture. Everytime I got back up he was throwing me back down until it ended in him having me by the throat in the kitchen. He also got hold of my dog really aggressively at one point because it went for him. That was the only time I grabbed him, I got hold of his arm to get him off the dog. The police turned up. When he realised the police were outside he told me that if I didn't drop him in it too much then he'd stay away from me and if I loved him I would think about his kids and how he wont get to see them if he's charged. The neighbours had called them after hearing him shout that if I didn't stop getting up he'd hurt me more. The police arrested him straight away without anyone saying anything. I didn't realise they had arrested him until later, I just thought that they had removed him from the house.

A police man came back about 20 minutes later and asked me to make a statement. I told him I wanted a little while to calm down before I made a statement but he insisted I made one there and then, he basically wrote it for me judging by the bruises and marks on me. He asked me a few questions about the relationship in generally, it has been very on and off. Usually things are good for three months but then he does something (cheats on me/lies about something major) and I don't hear from him in a month but he never fails to turn up again at some point. I felt really intimidated by the police officer and it probably didn't help that I was already in shock. I rang up afterwards and made a complaint about the way the statement was taken and that I had asked for abit of time to calm down but wasn't allowed to. My son was asleep upstairs at the time and the police checked on him with me and were satisfied he wasn't/hadn't been at risk or in danger but obviously it all went in the report.

The police rang me at 2pm today to tell me they had released him as I said I didn't want to press charges.

I haven't spoken to him since he's been released but I know he blames me for him getting arrested and spending the night in a cell. I feel guilty that he was arrested as I just wanted him removing from the house. He always said he would never forgive me if I ever got the police involved. He has a history of violence with his ex, the mother of his kids, that has just come to light which resulted in her being put into temporary accommodation and then housed.

I was also contacted by the domestic violence support people today. The police report must have been pretty damning as there was talk of refuge/being prioritised for housing but as he has never lived with me/ I have never been financially dependant on him/ we have no children together, I don't think I am classed as high risk. I just don't know whether I am comfortable with him knowing where I am/where I work. I don't think I will hear from again but people who know us both and who have seen the bruises on my face/neck and put two and two together think he won't be stupid enough to turn up anytime soon but it's only a matter of time.

I just don't know how I feel about all this, I don't see myself as a 'victim', I love him but I don't think he will ever change if he's done it before. I don't like that I feel guilty about his arrest, I know he blames me and will be hating me.

sorry this is long, I don't even know why I've posted it. Just feel alone.

IdealWeather Mon 11-Apr-16 18:23:04

I don't have a lot of advice for you but please be reassured that you have done NOTHING wrong.
You didn't put him in a cell, you didn't write the police report, you certainly aren't responsible of the way he behaved.

I agree that you need to be very careful recyour safety but don't really know what you can do. Hopefully someone more knowledgeable will come soon.

Tatiana11235 Mon 11-Apr-16 18:26:59

Sorry this has happened to you.

It's a shame you didn't press charges. What does he bring to your life apart from violence?

SuperMumNot Mon 11-Apr-16 18:28:28

I'm sure people with more experience will post soon, but I didn't want this to go unanswered when you are feeling so alone and vulnerable.

I think your post already answers the key questions - is this a man you should contemplate an on-going relationship with - NO.
You must not feel guilty about his arrest - he assaulted you.

The key next step is your own safety. Does he have keys? If so, you should change your locks immediately. Make sure you have a chain on the door and do not let him in ever again - whatever he says. He WILL do this again if you let him.

If he knows where you work you may need to get an order to prevent him coming near your home or place of work.
If you're not happy with the police/ domestic violence team, call one of the national Domestic Abuse helplines and tell them what you've told us here - they will be able to advise you about the best thing to do next.

<hugs>
x

averylongtimeago Mon 11-Apr-16 18:30:02

You have done nothing wrong. He has, not you.
If he does show up, don't let him in and phone the police.
You deserve better than this violent twat.

Morasssassafras Mon 11-Apr-16 18:31:11

Please work with the domestic abuse people to ensure that your dc stays safe and that you begin to see the reality of the situation you have been in, and that you stay strong if this man comes back.

You can call yourself a domestic abuse survivor if you prefer.

mumndad37 Mon 11-Apr-16 18:32:37

toscurry4 - You do need protection. You did not call the police, but I am glad someone did!! And it sounds about right tthat they are thinking refuge and re-housing. Men like this do not change, and they blame their victims for everything. Please please do press charges and do take the help that is offered. IIRC, grabbing you around the neck is considered very high risk for murder in the future.

MoreCrackThanHarlem Mon 11-Apr-16 18:42:30

The police will have made a referral to Social Care after a domestic incident during which children were at the property.
If you are in a relationship with a known violent offender the Social Workers will want to know what steps you have taken to safeguard your son from domestic violence, as witnessing these incidents is catagorised as emotional abuse.

I would urge you to press charges and stop all contact with this man for the sake of your son. Your guilt is completely misplaced; you have done nothing wrong. This man will doubtless go on to abuse other women. Although I understand you believe you are no longer at risk, it is still crucial that this man is made to face the full consequences of his actions.

toscurry4 Mon 11-Apr-16 19:13:08

Thanks for the replies, means a lot.
All I wanted him to do was leave the house.
Everytime we have argued and he's started to lose his shit I have asked him to leave the house, that is when he takes my phone and keys and refuses. He blames me for winding him up.

I don't know how to go about the work situation, he used to work for the same company and he usually contacts me via the work phone. I have requested the number to be changed before but the acting district manager at the time said it couldn't be done. I have changed my number so he can't contact me directly.

I often get sent to work in different shops in the area and a lot are near where he lives and that he uses frequently. I don't know to bring it up with work without sounding difficult.

I understand about the referral being made and that was what I was most upset about, that he had put me in a position where I look like a bad mother that needs social intervention. All he had to do was leave.

the relationship has always been turbulent. he's lied about a lot of things and has been hurtful and disrespectful. I just never saw myself in this situation.

I know it sounds pathetic to feel guilty but he's all I've known for a long time. Even when it came down to pressing charges I felt I had to protect him the best way I could.

I'm not stupid enough to let him back in or resume any sort of contact with him, I have never contacted him whenever anything has happened. I know i'm strong enough to cut him off. as much as I love him or think I do, I love my son more.

IdealWeather Mon 11-Apr-16 20:06:41

I know i'm strong enough to cut him off. as much as I love him or think I do, I love my son more.

Keep that though when he will contact you, because he will.

I agree about changing the lock in the house etc...

I would, at least, let work know about the situation. Yes it might be hard for you to never go in the area where he lives but you do need a procedure in place with work so that you are safe when you do go in the area where he lives.

Have you contacted Women Aid? I'm pretty sure they would be able to give you ideas on what to say to work too.

Morasssassafras Mon 11-Apr-16 20:10:55

but he never fails to turn up again at some point
Do you think this time will be different? He has form for this with his ex and he's been abusive to you before and you've still let him back. You didn't press charges and it wasn't you who called the police so why will he think this time is different?

having me by the throat
This is, as a pp said, a very dangerous sign. You have to take this seriously and the best placed people to help you stay safe are the domestic abuse people. They can help on a practical level of making sure your home is protected. Please let them help you and your dc.

tipsytrifle Mon 11-Apr-16 20:13:02

What a horrific year you've had with this vile man. Please keep yourself and ds safe. Did you change the locks as suggested above? It's wonderful that police intervened and in the strongest terms too.

I think you should reconsider making charges against him. This isn't the first time he's held you prisoner in your own home and attacked you. So there is a history of re-union. Resist this forever now.

Change locks, phone (or block him from current one) and inform work for if he turns up on site. Work does have some sort of duty of care for your safety and it would be better that they have the info needed to do this. Presumably there is cctv in the shops where you work?

In time you'll wonder why you ever gave him the time of day. He's dangerous and very, very bad for you.

cornwallandson Mon 11-Apr-16 20:24:15

This is horrendous - he held you against your will and assaulted you and your dog. He is a nasty abusive man. Don't feel guilty - he has brought any consequences of his behaviour himself.
You must think of your son - if you continue to see this man your son will be placed on the child at risk register and there is a possibility that he will be removed to a place of safety if it is felt he is at risk. If you need any reasons at all to cut this man out of your life permanently then that should be it.
As above get locks changed, change emails, phone numbers, talk to your boss to see if you can avoid particular workplaces for a period of time. And delete his number.

niceupthedance Mon 11-Apr-16 20:36:25

If someone took my keys and phone before assaulting me I would be very frightened indeed of the level of intent. I would engage with social services and dv agencies before it's too late. Sorry this happened to you.

Tatiana11235 Mon 11-Apr-16 20:50:48

How guilty would you feel if sometime down the line you found out he seriously hurt someone else and it could have been prevented by you pressing charges?

People like him don't stop unless you force them to stop. You don't want this happening again and I'm sure you don't want anyone else to get hurt. Make the world a better place and press charges.

summerwinterton Mon 11-Apr-16 21:04:22

Could you get back onto the police and ask them to press charges. A man putting his hands round your throat, well that is flagged as appalling and let's be honest - he could have killed you.

Please seek help from WA, and also look at the Freedom Programme too. You need to take very rapid steps to protect you and yours from this monster. You have to tell work and any friends/family you can do for support.

VinceNoirLovesHowardMoon Mon 11-Apr-16 21:10:45

he had put me in a position where I look like a bad mother that needs social intervention

But you do need social care intervention. You're not a bad mother but you are exposing your child to abuse. You need to stop - before your son gets seriously damaged. Call the police back please and have him charged. You owe him nothing.

mix56 Mon 11-Apr-16 21:12:38

You are seriously in denial. and you say that you LOVE this man, who repeatedly assaults & abuses you. Locks you in your own house, takes your phone off you. Has you up against the wall by the THROAT.
Have you actually thought about what happens if he squeezes tighter & you suffocate? what does he do then? kill your child & disappear into the night?
FOR GODS SAKE. On what planet are you living on ?
of course you should press charges, get him locked up, get a non -mol.
Keep this monster away from you & your child.

MoreCrackThanHarlem Mon 11-Apr-16 21:17:41

Social Care will look at whether you called the police, whether or not you made a statement to police and whether you pressed charges.
Failure to do this could flag up a lack of acknowledgement of the severity of the situation.

BeaufortBelle Mon 11-Apr-16 21:21:57

You say he made you look like a bad mother. You know he is violent and he has been violent towards you before. You have a son for whom you are solely responsible.

I am sorry you have been through this but allowing it the second time was not thinking properly about your child's safety.

You do need help. He should be prosecuted. Your son must never be near anything like this again and you must take all the help and advice you need to prevent it.

Itisbetternow Mon 11-Apr-16 21:26:53

I'm really sorry for what you have had to go through. However you really need to get him arrested. Otherwise he just moves onto hurting another woman who might not be as mentally or physically strong as you are. Please think again. Also although your child didn't see the violence he might have heard it. You need to protect him and yourself. This man tried to hurt you. If he did that to a stranger in the street he would be arrested for attempted murder. Stay strong and call the police.

Atenco Mon 11-Apr-16 23:03:36

Oh, I'm so sorry this is happening to you, OP, but as people have already said your son is seriously at risk either from this man or being taking into care. I also think about his other children, by keeping silent about this and not pressing charges they are probably being forced to spend time unsupervised with this extremely violent and dangerous man, while their mother is lying awake at night worrying.

IdealWeather Tue 12-Apr-16 07:31:56

Curry Not sure if you are still reading. It can be hard to see in black and white what others are seeing.

I would really encourage you to contact Women's Aid and get some support in RL. Use any system in place, WA, the domestic violence team or the SS to help you.

I suspect that you are also very worried of what would happen/ what will be his reactions if you actually press charges. And what would happen if he is charged but not sent to prison. All of which are very relevant TBH.
But that's WHY you need support from people in RL and external agencies to help and protect you and your ds.
At least yoou can ask for a non molestation order (that's the right one isn't it?) to ensure that he can't go near your house or your work.

Don't be fooled. He will use any ways to 'attack' you and that way might well be your ds, not just not personally.

SlinkyVagabond Tue 12-Apr-16 07:43:23

The police would question you whilst it's fresh in your mind. The longer you leave it the more you minimise it. The police were doing their job and I don't think deserved a complaint.(though you were feeling vulnerable so might feel they were overly aggressive) Like everyone says-he will return. He will do this again (if not to you to someone else)
How you should be feeling is full of righteous indignation and anger that this man has dared to be violent towards you, not shame or guilt. He chose to act that way. Accept all the support and help you are offered and listen to the wise people up thread.

claraschu Tue 12-Apr-16 08:10:03

OP I don't want to put more pressure on you, but please see that the police pushed you to make a statement because they could see that this man is dangerous. They also know that it is extremely hard to get abusive, monstrous men convicted of the crimes they commit partly because the women they attack won't press charges (or can't press charges, as they are too scared and disempowered).Often women don't even report the abuse. Imagine how frustrating it is for the police to see women being repeatedly hurt and be unable to help them.

Please don't blame the policeman; maybe he was to insistent, but he was very worried that you would not make a report and would in fact protect your abuser.

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