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When is enough, enough?

(9 Posts)
willybob14 Sun 10-Apr-16 22:11:02

Just looking for a little bit of advise. I feel like im asking myself the same question a lot lately with my husband. When is enough, enough?! We have 2 beautiful boys just moved into a lovely new house but in need of renovation. I have a husband who works very hard and full time while I stay at home to take care of the boys; currently on maternity leave with 3 month old and 2 year old which can be very difficult! OH gets £50 a week "play money" to basically gamble with! Our agreement as its caused so many problems in our 6 year relationship. He has his own account and every penny is basically spent on bets. Well he won £500 and told me he would buy us a new front door started getting quotes chose one ect then I get a message saying he's sorry he gambled the money away sad. He wanted to double his money so he could pay for the whole thing. Im gutted and disappointed. Im a saver and he's a spender I just honestly don't know how much more I can take of the lies and no trust and if I want to live my life like this. His argument is its his money he can spend how he likes, we still have money spare. He said today well I will just keep my winnings a secret and if I win big it doesn't matter if I gamble it again. Its just killing me inside that that is how he thinks and how he wants to spend his life :-/. We kind of had a chat about breaking up n he was like well move out then n said I would have nothing if it wasn't for him working. Which is true but I left my job to take care of the children and also he would have nothing if it wasn't for me controlling the finances! Probably wouldn't even have a roof over our heads. Feeling emotional and crappy sad. I think he just thinks because I have no where to go and am not working ect that he can just get away with it and continue to abuse my trust as if im just going to stay with him regardless! I love him but don't know how much more I can take, would it just be easier to call it a day and go our separate ways?

wannabslim Sun 10-Apr-16 22:17:32

Im sorry but I might sound harsh.....but I could not be with someone like this.
For him to say he will keep winnings to himself and not tell you, incase he gambles again....thats just wrong and makes it very hard to trust him.
And what about the children? Does he not bare them in mind when hes losing the money that is going into a house to help keep them safe and warm?
Having said that, gambling is an addiction and he maybe needs to get some help for this.....thats if hes willing to, and if he actually thinks its a problem in the first place!
500 is alot of money to lose! I would be mortified!

I hope things get sorted for your sake

80schild Sun 10-Apr-16 22:23:20

It sounds like he has given up to me. The only question left is how you feel?

You are right that it is good to have a stable home life, but what will happen when he starts spending your savings and would you even know?

I think he also needs help with his addiction. I don't know where someone would go for this (maybe someone might be able to share).

If you decide to stay then you definitely need to have control of finances and make sure you have a small stash of your own. He sounds high risk to me.

If you leave, it will be really hard initially but you won't have the stress of wondering whether he is going to squander all his salary.

Guiltypleasures001 Sun 10-Apr-16 22:27:15

Put 200 quid in a pile and set alight to it op that's what he's doing every month, I hope he doesn't take out loans secretly as well.

thanks

ouryve Sun 10-Apr-16 22:27:17

I wouldn't stick with him. He says one thing then means another. You can't rely on him, as borne out by having to give him some gambling pocket money in the first place.

Might be worth taking your time, though. Find childcare that suits you and get back to work, once you're ready. You'll feel a lot more secure, then.

trashcansinatra Sun 10-Apr-16 22:30:29

How about an agreement that his gambling account always starts the week with £50? So, if he ends a week with some winnings, they come back to the family pot? That should stop too much 'reinvestment' but dies run the risk that he'll bet big on the last day of your week.

Help201602 Sun 10-Apr-16 22:32:01

From experience it'll get worse. He already shows a complete lack of remorse or acceptance that this money could be used to benefit the family. He may already be taking out loans, borrowing to feed this habit. You can't make him stop. I found that he just got more secretive, and when caught out, more self righteous, because he knew I'd accept it. It's hard but having my own money now without worrying if he's going to spend it is bliss. You can do this x

HoppingForward Sun 10-Apr-16 22:36:47

Can you ever see it better than this?

As others have said, he may have loans or end up having them to hide it all from you.

I agree with our you don't need to rush, make your plan and start a run away fund, start saving some cash, do the weekly shop on a budget and then ask for cash back etc start moaning about how the price of nappies have gone up!

Are you named on the house?

HeddaGarbled Sun 10-Apr-16 22:51:39

It doesn't matter whether you are named on the house or not or that you are not currently in paid employment. If you are married then all assets belong to both of you. If you divorce, the need to house the children will take precedence in any division of assets, plus he will have to pay maintenance for the children.

I think you should divorce now before he gambles away all the family assets. If you leave now, you can ensure that your children are adequately housed and fed and clothed throughout their childhoods. If you leave it too long, he could gamble it all away.

It is possible that the prospect of divorce will shock him into seeking help for his addiction but you need to be prepared that it won't.

See a solicitor so you know your financial position and what the process is and then explain it all to him.

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