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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Relationships

I don't understand him

26 replies

Samandyou · 10/04/2016 07:28

My dh is lovely, always saying how much I mean to him how he loves me and wants to be together forever lots of cuddles etc etc but when it comes to sex I do all the instigating. I literally throw myself at him and get let down a lot. I sent him some dirty pictures but he never even mentioned them or seemed excited by them. I don't get it? I'm not being modest but I'm a good looking slim girl with all the right bits in the right places! I've never been in a relationship like this and it's causing me problems with my self esteem.

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RedMapleLeaf · 10/04/2016 07:47

What does he say when you talk to him about this?? Surely you did talk before marrying him.

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differentnameforthis · 10/04/2016 07:50

Talk to him.

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Samandyou · 10/04/2016 07:53

Yes I've spoken to him he says nothing is wrong he will make more effort but he never Ever does. He knows how bad it makes me feel but he tries to not speak about it and change the subject etc. I don't think I realised as much before we married as we both worked a lot and weren't together too much but we did have a lot more sex then so I don't get it?

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ALaughAMinute · 10/04/2016 07:58

Maybe he would prefer it if you were a bit more submissive?

Leave it to him to take the lead and see what happens.

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Samandyou · 10/04/2016 08:10

I've actually tried this we just didn't have sex for 3 weeks then I asked him and he said ah I thought you didn't want it you never said. I know he watches porn so must have some interest in sex. I just feel like I'm not what he 'wants' I want to feel desired is that such a bad thing? When he says he wants to be with me forever I just think I'm not sure I can

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Helenwiththebigmelons · 10/04/2016 08:12

I'm watching with interest, DP is the same!

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ALaughAMinute · 10/04/2016 08:21

If he watches porn then that will be why he doesn't want sex. Google it!

You seriously need to talk to him about it because it will only get worse.

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Snoopydo · 10/04/2016 08:26

There are lots of threads on here about men with low sex drives and women going out of their mind.

I think sex can go off the boil for a while when you have babies/toddlers simply because everyone is exhausted and busy and that's normal.

But it sounds like he's just not interested or can't be bothered. You might have to accept he has a lower sex drive than you and live with it or end it. I don't think it's about trying to be sexier yourself.

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Samandyou · 10/04/2016 08:27

I really have I spoken and spoken about it til I'm blue in the face he always says he will try. He doesn't watch lots of porn, we have been together for around 5 days on holiday and he hasn't had any time he could so I don't think it's an addiction or anything

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Samandyou · 10/04/2016 08:33

Thanks snoopydo, he does just seem uninterested! We have busy lives like everyone else, we do shift work both full time have kids etc but I've told him he needs to make an effort for me! When he does it doesn't last very long then I can't orgasm I don't think I have for years

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Helenwiththebigmelons · 10/04/2016 08:35

OP, my DP has always been like this, he's 22!

He does watch quite a bit of porn, too. I'm an attractive young lady so it use to really mess with my head, but he just has a low sex drive. He never instigated anything, but will do something if I instigate it sometimes

Honestly, I have tried being more submissive, more exciting etc etc and it's just exhausting because they aren't that interested. If I bring it up with him, he swears it's body confidence/laziness, yet he seems very body confident to me

We say goodbye or put up and shut up (if we ourselves have tried all we can to talk to them and resolve the matter).

They won't change and it will probably get worse.

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Eminado · 10/04/2016 08:37

Helen - 22?!
How old are you?

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AyeAmarok · 10/04/2016 08:37

It's maybe to do with the porn.

Real sex probably feels like a lot of effort in comparison and he can't be bothered with it.

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Helenwiththebigmelons · 10/04/2016 08:39

Emin I'm 18!

Aye is right. The use of their hand is so much easier and a quicker fix

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Samandyou · 10/04/2016 08:40

My dh is only 29, looking back he used to be really into it then started pulling away no idea why. He went through a phase of watching lots of porn and I told him that can't go on and he stopped and watches a lot less now. I don't think I'm for him, I'm not his type. I think I'll leave because it's just getting out of hand and he isn't changing

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Snoopydo · 10/04/2016 08:42

Sam it doesn't sound that you not being his 'type' is the issue.

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Eminado · 10/04/2016 08:44

Gosh OP and Helen you are both so young.

Life is too short for this

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Helenwiththebigmelons · 10/04/2016 08:47

Emin the issue for me is I do love him to pieces, and for me, leaving him is won than the lack of sex. It's sometimes very difficult, but I'd rather put my needs aside if it means being with him as normal. I'm very happy in every other sense, and fulfilled.

But, it's a very valid reason to leave and you should if you want to.

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Samandyou · 10/04/2016 08:48

Is it so bad I want to feel wanted in the bedroom? I'm only 27! Yes I've had children but for god sake I'm still a woman! I'm so sick of it

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Samandyou · 10/04/2016 08:50

I agree Helen, I love my dh too and will be devastated completely but I've been battling this in my head, I know in my heart we are over and it's killing me. He knows I'm really really unhappy too

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Helenwiththebigmelons · 10/04/2016 08:51

Sam it isn't bad at all that you want that. You deserve that! Please leave if you feel emotionally drained by this. He won't change, it's how he feels comfortable and since it's been going on so long, you aren't his priority sexually which is really upsetting

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Snoopydo · 10/04/2016 08:54

In relationships where there is a mismatched sex drive I read that it has to go at the pace of the partner with the lowest sex drive. It can't be any other way or it creates too much pressure. He's not going to change op, you know that.

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WhatALoadOfOldBollocks · 10/04/2016 08:55

Samandyou it's really hard when they don't communicate isn't it. Do you think it could be a fear of getting you pregnant? Or has he said he has a low sex drive? Whatever the reason, unless he acknowledges that it's a problem in the relationship (and talks to you about it!) it will continue.

Helen, without meaning to sound patronising, you are way too young to be putting up with a sexually lazy bloke. Jeez, I'm double your age and I'd expect a 50 year old man to be more sexually enthusiastic with me. No wonder it's messing with your head.

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Helenwiththebigmelons · 10/04/2016 08:59

WhatALoad oh no, I agree with you completely. But I can't see me leaving. I could never do it financially on my own. We have a little one on the way, and I love the connections I have with his family. I'm very happy everywhere else

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AntiqueSinger · 10/04/2016 09:04

Excepting the porn bit I could have written your post OP. Bloody hurts doesn't it. For me it's been like this for years. It has slowly sucked the life out of our marriage. For me I'm approaching the big 40 this year which is something I'm adjusting to, and my confidence in terms of how attractive I feel is getting so low because DH shows very little interest. It is getting harder to refuse interest from other men. I'm a very touchy, sensual person, so I start to feel starved and can feel myself withering inside.

The worst aspect of it is suddenly having to be turned 'on' when he's interested, and then having to 'turn off' for weeks at a time when he's not while I'd rather just be on or off. It means the sex is never as satisfying as it could be for me, as when I'm really turned on he senses it and says he feels 'pressured to perform' and I get nothing. I end up having to excercise till I'm too tired to care instead.

We have other stuff going on now and he went off it for 2 and a half months.

I felt so rejected physically and emotionally. We did it last week, but the rejection still hurts and I found it cruel. I started to focus on all my body hang ups - The grey hairs on my vagina, my post pregnancy stretchmarks, the scar on my stomach from my hernia op 5 years ago, my tendency to be a bit hairy, the dark hairs on my upper lip, my bigger and loser post breastfeeding boobs. I had never been unduly bothered about any of those things previously. But I looked in the mirror and questioned why any man would find me desirable at all let alone DH. That's what it did to me.

I have now withdrawn and decided I'd rather not have sex with DH altogether. I doubt we will remain together. I'm not old enough to be satisfied with cuddles yet. The prognosis for us appears bleak.

Been doing research online and apparently a lot of men have drives below the common threshold. There were some pretty heart rending stories from women who hasn't been touched sexually by their husbands for years!! Or only get it once a month if they're lucky!!