Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

husband at the gym while baby is at hospital

(45 Posts)
yellowsands0211 Sat 09-Apr-16 15:31:52

i have been married for 3 yrs and have recently just given birth to a baby boy. 2 days ago i had to bring our 4 month old dd to hospital due to high fever. First night in the hospital was really stressful as baby was up and crying all night, i looked after the baby and barely slept too. husband came in next day, help me look after the baby, gave me time to rest (2hrs) and left in the evening so he can rest. instead, i found out that he just went to the gym. we had a pretty difficult day as doctors were querying meningitis, baby was so poorly. i couldnt grasp the idea of him having the desire to go to the gym when he has a sick baby needing his attention and a wife needing emotional support. I was so stressed out last night, i think i made a mistake marrying a selfish man. am i being unreasonable

TeaBelle Sat 09-Apr-16 15:33:22

Was he allowed to stay at the hospital overnight?

RememberToSmile1980 Sat 09-Apr-16 15:35:15

I'm sorry you are having to deal with a poorly baby. I hope that baby is soon well and gets the medication required. I know you may be thinking he is being utterly selfish - however going to the gym may be a way for him to de-stress? Only a thought unless he has got form for this kind of stuff?

2ManySweets Sat 09-Apr-16 15:35:27

YANBU. Whilst the gym MAY be his way of "switching off" for a small necessary break its not a very supportive or kind thing to do to you and your DD when she could have a life-threatening illness.

In fact, it's fucking unacceptable. Your OP infers you were on your own first night baby was in hospital: is this right and if so - why?

Pinkheart5915 Sat 09-Apr-16 15:36:35

I don't think your being unreasonable, it's natural to want your dh with you and your baby in hospital it must be stressful for you.
How does your dh deal with emotions? If he struggles to show how he feels etc is it possible he went to the gym as he doesn't know how to handle the situation with baby in hospital, doesn't know what to do?
The best thing is to talk to him and tell him how much you need him there right now

tellmemore1982 Sat 09-Apr-16 15:37:30

I'm sorry your baby is unwell.

Was there anything your DH didn't do because he was at the gym - was he late back to see you or not pick up and bring in any items he might have promised etc? If you'd otherwise never have known any different and had agreed that DH could go and you'd be ok at the hospital, then the fact that he went to the gym shouldn't be a problem. That might have been his way of switching off before resting, I don't think it makes him selfish unless there was a negative consequence of his choice therefore YABU. It does make him a bit hmm though, it's not something I would have thought to do.

Hope your son recovers soon.

KittyandTeal Sat 09-Apr-16 15:38:11

I think it depends on if he was allowed to stay or not.

If he was allowed to stay over night but chose not to that's something I cannot understand and I think is a bit selfish. However, if only one parent is allowed to stay and that parent is you then I can fully understand him going to the gym to unwind, it's exactly what I would have done.

NoCapes Sat 09-Apr-16 15:39:35

You've recently had a baby boy and have a 4 month old daughter?? confused

crazycatdad Sat 09-Apr-16 15:40:13

I'm assuming that dad wasn't there as dads are generally not allowed to stay overnight in hospital?

tellmemore1982 Sat 09-Apr-16 15:42:02

NoCapes I wondered that too and assumed the DD was a typo....!

NoCapes Sat 09-Apr-16 15:48:18

Ah of course! Duh Capes!

tellmemore1982 Sat 09-Apr-16 15:51:23

I could be wrong though... It wouldn't be the first time grin

SilverBirchWithout Sat 09-Apr-16 15:54:05

I am confused about ages and sex of children/child. Is it one child where DD/DS is a typo or a newborn and a toddler. Or is the 4 month old from another relationship of DP's?

helensburgh Sat 09-Apr-16 15:54:47

Completely unreasonable on his part.
My daughter has been in hosp a lot. We tend to spend as much time together as poss. Then sleep alternate nights. Guess not possible if breastfeeding .
I hope your week one improves soon.

Spandexpants007 Sat 09-Apr-16 15:56:57

His priorities should be giving you a proper break and sleep. Followered by his own selfcare. I can see the gym is great stress relief but it co

Spandexpants007 Sat 09-Apr-16 15:57:24

Shouldn't come at your expense

Atenco Sat 09-Apr-16 15:58:32

"I'm assuming that dad wasn't there as dads are generally not allowed to stay overnight in hospital"

Weird, I don't live in the UK, but why would a dad not be allowed to stay overnight in a hospital?

stinkysnowbear Sat 09-Apr-16 15:59:32

In stressful situations I always exercise. I know it might seem thoughtless but I know that, for me at least, I am more useful/switched on after exercising.

yellowsands0211 Sat 09-Apr-16 16:05:48

sorry dd was a typo. we ended up arguing last night. only one parent was allowed to stay and he never offered to swap with me looking after the baby at night. in fact since i gave birth, i have never left him with looking after the baby for more than 2 hours. all this stress and lack of sleep is making me even more depressed. he knows my situation but never really cared. going to the gym has become his obsession.

Moreisnnogedag Sat 09-Apr-16 16:06:48

Maybe he couldn't rest and and didn't want to sit at home going over worse case scenarios in his head? The gym can be a great way to try and burn off nervous energy and make you shattered enough just to fall asleep. Is he doing everything else to support you guys? Usually hospitals only allow a single parent to stay. If he offered to stay would you go home? If you are staying at the hospital all the time (through choice or because you're expressing/breastfeeding etc) then so long as he's rested and supportive it doesn't matter what he does surely?

Sirzy Sat 09-Apr-16 16:11:45

I'm not sure, obviously you feeling unsupportive isn't good but at the same time when Ds has been in hospital I have asked my mum to bring in running gear so I can get out and destress so I can see why he would want to go to the gym.

sleepwhenidie Sat 09-Apr-16 16:11:51

I think two separate things, YA def NBU to be annoyed he hasn't offered to swap overnight duty but I think if your agreement was that he was getting two hours rest after you had the same then it's up to him how he spends the two hours, what difference does it make to you if he spends the time sleeping or at the gym? It is for many people a healthy way of dealing with stress/emotions.

QuiteLikely5 Sat 09-Apr-16 16:12:34

If you have never left him alone with the baby then why would he offer to stay the night? Are you BF?

The two hour situation isn't ideal but I'm assuming you like it that way for a reason?

I don't think he had to stay st home doing nothing..............of course I sympathise with you and I suspect you're super tired which is heightening everything for you???

KittyandTeal Sat 09-Apr-16 16:12:59

In that case I'd say hibu. He should have offered to stay.

tellmemore1982 Sat 09-Apr-16 16:13:25

It sounds like you are feeling like you don't have much support at all rather than being annoyed he went to the gym.

I would actually never have expected my DH to be the one who stayed at the hospital, especially if you haven't left DS for more than a couple of hours. At four months, that's actually very normal although I know it feels hard.

So, given that you are the primary care giver to the baby and your DH was not able to stay the night at the hospital with you, I'm sorry but yabu for saying he shouldn't go to the gym on this particular occasion.

It sounds like there have been other occasions where he has been instead of being home to support you or give you a break, they are perhaps the bigger problem. Stick together for your DS here, then when you get home perhaps scheduling in some regular time for yourself would be a good start.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now