toxic ex

[DearestMommy]

So what should I be doing. My DP has been divorced for 12 years. He has four grown up kids. The eldest is getting married soon. We have both been invited to the wedding. The thing is his ex seems very toxic even after all this time. She is usually hostile and aggressive towards the kids if they see their dad. I believe DP often has nasty calls or text messages from her about stuff. I'm not privy to the content of calls or text messages but they usually indicate (to me) that there is high level of insecurity there. I would like to think that after all this time, the hostility shouldn't be aimed at me but I'm beginning to wonder now. I know there have been threats of "I'll tell that new woman of yours what you're really like" etc etc. I believe a former girlfriend even received threats of a violent nature. I hear that she is volatile, very jealous and a bit unhinged. Seemingly there has been some sort of conversation about whose is going to the wedding. Am I going or not etc.

The couple getting married want me to go. My DP wants me there but the ex appears to be taking a rather nasty stance on it. I think my DP is a bit scared of her. I have said that I don't really want to go as he's not being entirely open about what she has said about it all (or if there have been any threats). I have said it's not fair that he's asking me to go into a situation where I could be exposed to threats and nastiness. At the end of the day it's the future daughter in law's and son's day and nobody else's. Why oh why do guests and members of the family feel the need to bugger another persons wedding day with their own personal vendettas?

Now we've had a bad row now because of it and I'm sitting at home thinking "I really don't want to get caught up in this toxic family". We've been together for almost three years now, but this stuff rears it's ugly head every so often. I ask him to be firm with her and tell her to leave it. He says that won't work and just ignoring her or placating her is the best option. I trusted that he knew how to deal with his ex. I am coming to the conclusion he doesn't and is actually feeding her anger and toxity by not being firm and straight with her.

In my world, I would be saying
"I'm sorry you still wish to carry on like this now EXWIFE but I really don't want to deal with this, please leave me alone, I'm not having this conversation and I am going to hang up. If you persist and can't be civil I will block your number and there will not be any contact at all". And then cut the call.

But he doesn't. He plays a silly game of putting the phone down on the surface and just lets her shout and eventually hangs up. I think that's just plain childish and makes matters worse.

He has no real day to day need to have any dealings with her but I do know that she often contacts him for help with money etc. I don't think I'm getting the real story and am pretty sure I never will. Some people are never really finished with each other are they?

Anyone else experienced this?

[TheNaze73]

She sounds batshit. You can't reason with people like that. I'd do exactly what your husband does. I'd go, keep smiling & if anything untoward happens, she'll make herself look like a tit, publicly

[TheNaze73]

Partner sorry

[Marchate]

Dearest, can I ask you on what grounds they were divorced? Was there any accusation of an affair, abuse, violence? Or was it simply breakdown? Because it will have a bearing on how they approach one another now

[DearestMommy]

Affairs. Violence I believe. He says she tried to stab him when she suspected him of having an affair. It all sounds pretty awful. He's a quiet man. Keeps the peace usually . But I do think he fails to communicate clearly if something isn't right for him. Is a people pleaser most of the time. But the final divorce was on the grounds of marital breakdown, by then she had been living with a new partner for a couple of years but refused to let the divorce go ahead. Recently she found out we were looking at houses to move. She got pretty uptight about not knowing where we might end up living. All a bit scary really.

[kittybiscuits]

Why doesn't he show you the messages?

[MuttonCadet]

Don't ask to see the messages, stay well out of it.

She sounds like she has issues, she is his problem not yours.