Lack of Sex

[RedMan2016]

I'm a male, 46 and have two children 10 & 12. My wife dotes on the three of us and we are to all pretence and purposes a happy family. Over the past 12 years however the lack of coitous has diminished to the point whereby I do not think we will ever be intimate again.

For years I have taken the rejection and now this has mentally affected who I am. I do not feel the same confident person I used to be.

I get moody with resentment and sometimes this causes arguements and this further deepens my resentment.

I've considered finding a sexual partner outside the marital home just to relieve my pent up frustrations. Masturbation alone does not fill the void. Using porn does not do anything apart from making me feel like a pervert watching an 18 year old masturbate.

I've stopped going out on the off chance that she may feel in the mood and I'd miss out on that opportunity. I feel totally consumed at times with he thought of not having sex, it is the one thing that is on my mind all day long, not every 8 seconds!

I have resigned myself to the fact that we may never be intimate sexually again, and for a day or two I'm ok with this, but then I'm all consumed by the urge to have some physical contact. I've even contemplated going with a prostitute, approaching a single neighbour to become friends with benefits.

I feel that I'm becoming perverse in my thoughts, I can't even have a meeting without thinking about the prospect of having sex with these colleagues.

It's so demoralising that I feel a little resentful to my wonderful children, although I do think this would have happened regardless of children.

I'm not sure what or where to turn next. I feel that I'm being totally selfish about my needs. I could not have had a more caring wife who does everything for us 3.

[FlounderingWildly]

Have you ever asked her why she doesn't want it? What happens if you bring it up verbally? Does she know how unhappy it makes you?
Please don't seek it elsewhere, try to gently address the problem (without pressure to have sex) to get to the root of it all. Have you thought about counselling for you both?

[Joysmum]

What does she say when you talk about it?

I'll never forget my DH saying 'I just what to feel closer to you', when we went through a dty patch. My answer to him was that I needed to feel closer before I could have sex. With 2 opposing viewpoints to the same thing it's no wonder it can be difficult to communicate and yet if you don't you can't identify the blanks then you don't know how to fill them in.

[ALaughAMinute]

Don't whatever you do assume your wife doesn't want sex because she is probably longing for it as much as you are. One of the reasons women reject their husband's sexually is because they feel the relationship lacks intimacy in other areas. Do you go out together? Do you talk? Do you make romantic gestures?

If this situation is to be resolved you need to communicate with your wife.

[TheNaze73]

All of the above make some interesting & very valid points. I think there must be laying deep somewhere a root cause to all this. Maybe suggest sex counselling through relate to her? And whatever you do, however frustrating things are, do not turn to the neighbour or a prostitute. You do only get one shot at life & if all avenues have been exhausted, then you should leave the relationship but, do not cheat on your partner. Good luck

[roundaboutthetown]

Why has coitus diminished? Do you still hug each other? Kiss each other? Hold hands? How does she react when you get close to her? Have you tried talking to her?

[rumred]

You come across as obsessed with sex. That's a massive turn off. As others have said, talk to your oh and I'd consider counselling too

[Mmlemony]

God here we go again! The world is full of men whose nut sacks are in danger of exploding!

[spirallinganxiety]

Am in the same position as you redman so I sympathise - 47 years old, 3 dc who are 10, 12 and 14, and a husband who is completely unaffectionate and disinterested in me. It used to really hurt but have recently come to the conclusion that I don't want to have sex with someone who is so unaffectionate and domineering so that has helped. Feel a bit about this possibly being the end of my sexual and emotional life - sad too, but on the other hand you never know what the future holds. Could divorce I know but do not want to be with my dc only 50% of the time.

[spirallinganxiety]

But yes, have you spoken to your wife about it?

[Greta28]

Please ignore snide remarks from MMlemony and the likes.

Firstly, I really symphasize with you. I'm sorry you are feeling so unfulfilled in your marriage. I had the same problem with my husband and it nearly broke our marriage. After 3 months of no sex I was at breaking point and literally spelt it out to him how much I need sex for a happy and fulfilled life.

He said he is either exhausted from working (I am too; we earn the same), or..he confided he doesn't want to have sex with me as I'm so cranky. But I was always cranky because I needed sex and porn/mastrubation is not the same!

We both had a really good think and now things are soo much better. Sex is back on track and I'm aware of when I'm moody and ensure I don't take it out on anyone.

Thing is, I explained to him, our marriage is the most important thing. We always work late / go bed early for that gym class / do this or that - was never time or energy for sex. I said no matter how crazy our city lives are - we should at least once a week say: fuck gym/friends/work/dinner/drinks and everyone, this is US time. And make time for each other.

[Chlobee87]

mmlemony That's harsh. It's a tall order to expect someone to go without sex for 12 years and I don't think it's unreasonable to want to remedy that situation. Your comment was very dismissive when actually it's an incredibly big deal for somebody (male or female) to be stuck in a completely sexless marriage.

[differentnameforthis]

Have you talked to your wife?
What are her reasons for lack of sex?

[Mmlemony]

Yes fair enough my comment wasn't helpful. It's just that there are several threads at the moment from men saying the same thing.

[ALaughAMinute]

God here we go again! The world is full of men whose nut sacks are in danger of exploding!

It's not just men who crave sex! One of the reasons I refused to have sex with my husband for the last three years of our marriage is because I felt our relationship lacked intimacy and that he wasn't interested in me as a person, not because I wasn't interested in sex! In fact, I craved sex and intimacy so much that I found a solution outside the marriage but my husband wrongly assumed that I'd gone off sex altogether whereas in reality nothing could have been further from the truth. We had lots of other problems in our marriage but one of the main reasons we didn't have sex is because we didn't communicate.

The sex I had with my AP was amazing and made me realise what I'd been missing so the OP has my sympathies in that respect. Sex is a basic human need after all. That said, an affair or a prostitute is never the answer that is why the OP needs to communicate with his wife to see if there is anything that can be done to save the marriage. Failing that, he should probably get divorced and get on with the rest of his life.

[Joysmum]

God here we go again! The world is full of men whose nut sacks are in danger of exploding!

As others have shared, this goes both ways.

In our marriage sex is unusually good with some off times, usually to a past issue of mine being triggered. However, DH's sex drive has been affected by medication and it's made me appreciate just how wonderful he has been throughout.

Sex isn't just about fucking, it's an expression of love too so it's only natural for changes in sex drive to be a problem in many relationships.

[RedMan2016]

Thanks for your comments, mmlemony, don't worry about your comments, you are right, that's how I feel my wife would react with regards to brining up the situation. The flip side of my saga is that she's been suffering from work related stress for the past few years and I have supported her through this and a resolution is in place. However, the issue before was probably down to post children and the change this brings! I tend to avoid physical contact apart from kisses and holding hands. Partly because I don't want her to feel I'm making a pass and for her to tense up thinking that I want sex, the rejection has had a detrimental affect on me emotionally. I don't want to divorce and be a part time father. We don't tend to go out together alone, as a family we do though. She prefers to stay in and has always been that way inclined.

Greta28 you summed it up "cranky" because of no sex that's me! I love her and our life, but when the dark sexless cloud descends that's when I'm cranky and withdraw from family activities, I even go to bed early to avoid any potential rejections that would totally deflate my battered self esteem further.

The stress of late has depleted her sex drive, I understand this...

[RedMan2016]

So I have resolved to support her back to health and through the changes a foot! What do I do till things get better or the next stressful situation comes along.

I wouldn't say I'm completely sex obsessed but when you haven't had any...I suppose it becomes an obsession.

Thanks for the comments and advice. We have spoken a few weeks back. I said that I would not initiate any sexual advances, hoping to relax her when I'm around her!

[jerseygal78]

I can understand your frustration - we've had no sex or intimacy for over a year now - apparently it is my fault because I've put on so much weight & he is no longer attracted to me (I'm 37 with dc 4 &6 around a size 14 so overweight but not hugely so). I'm seriously debating leaving but scared of splitting the family up & how do you explain you left your husband due to refusal of sex!

[ALaughAMinute]

The stress of late has depleted her sex drive, I understand this...

Over the past 12 years however the lack of coitous has diminished to the point whereby I do not think we will ever be intimate again.

This has been going on for 12 years OP, and you've said you're thinking of having an affair or going to see a prostitute. Don't stick your head in the sand. This situation is clearly unsatisfactory and you need to do something about it.

[Hopefullyoneday1]

I think you need to talk to your OH.

My situation was slightly different in that my ex (and ex because of this reason) was a complete sex pest. It eventually became so off putting that I didn't want to have sex with him, but I did miss the closeness, the cuddle, hand holding etc. I had to stop that because he automatically assumed a nice cuddle in bed or a hand hold HAD to lead to sex. He was just obsessed and in the end I left him.

Maybe your OH just wants a cuddle or hug without having to go further, but you really must talk to her.

[RedMan2016]

I sympathise with you, being a size 14 is not over weight, having children and all that comes with this is what makes women more beautiful, no man could cope with the effects of child birth. Even through pregnancy and the weight gain post birth I stilled fancied my partner. It must be so saddening for you to be rejected because of you physical appearance, after providing him with children!!

[RedMan2016]

I see that this situation could be what was going on, but I've taken steps to avoid this. We were very touchy feely before, and I would cup her backside when in close proximity, but not to initiate sex. So now I avoid such playfully touching to put her at ease that it's not sex I want.

[ShebaShimmyShake]

Ooh, Groundhog Day!

[ALaughAMinute]

So now I avoid such playfully touching to put her at ease that it's not sex I want.

But it is what you want so you need to do something about it!

I don't think you are listening to us OP are you?

[RedMan2016]

I'm listening, but probably not hearing very well. I'm not sure she's in the right state of mind to be approached as we speak! It's just what do I do in the meantime, while she gets better? And before I turn into some perverted porn addict that doesn't connect with real physical contact or some voyeuristic peeping tom! I will try and be intimate without giving the intention it's only sex I'm after.