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Someone please help me

(26 Posts)
Impossiblesituation06 Fri 08-Apr-16 14:37:41

I don't know what to do anymore.

I'm 19 weeks pregnant with a much wanted baby after previously losing two babies. I also have an older child with significant disabilities.

Me and my partner have also just split up.

I found out while pregnant that he had been having an affair with a married woman on his street. I tried to forgive him but it was very hard for me, he's changed his story numerous times. Basically I didn't trust him and things weren't good. A couple of times he got very aggressive with me, he pushed me over once but j was trying to stop him from leaving. My friends say he is very controlling.

Yesterday I had it all. He's tried to tell me I've imagined most of he situations we have been in, he's said I'm mad and not suitable to have another child and so should abort my baby, he said that he would cause issues with me and my DSs dad and tell him I was mad and couldn't look after DS (he says this is because I am very anxious during my pregnancy and check the babies heartbeat regularly, but I've lost two babies and have an anterior placenta meaning I can't feel this one and likely won't till a lot further along)

He's also said that he won't let me associate with certain people anymore because he doesn't want them around his son.

Loads of stuff like that.

One of the things he said today was that right at the start of my pregnancy I was making him a brew and he was mauling with me, as I put the kettle down it brushed his hand and he drew his hand away and punched me in the stomach. He says I burnt him on purpose. This happened months ago and I didn't at all, I didn't have a go at him for it and the baby was fine as it was 6 weeks into my pregnancy so not even out of my pelvis yet, but he did hurt me. Anyway I've never mentioned it since but he brought it up today saying I must have done it on purpose.

Before I found out about his affair the relationship was perfect, so I thought anyway.

He's moved out, my house is my own and he has one he was renting to a family member so it wasn't a problem, but the house needs doing up desperately before the baby comes because although my sons rooms are perfect, the babies rooms are in a state of disrepair, he was doing it all up with me, but now I don't have the money to do it and I'm worried about that too.

He told me today to get an abortion.

I either abort my baby, who I've named and loved and want, or I have the baby and he uses him to control me and hurt me forever.

I don't know what to do. I quit smoking when i found out I was pregnant but had one today because of how stressed I am. I can't stop crying. I don't know what to do at all. I don't want to lose my baby, but I don't want to live like he'll make me live either.

CodyKing Fri 08-Apr-16 14:49:04

You don't have to name him as father - he won't get parental control unless he takes you to court -

He's a waste of space user - this was not a happy relationship -

A new baby need milk warmth and love - not wall paper -

Change the locks - ignore all contact - don't engage -

Impossiblesituation06 Fri 08-Apr-16 14:52:30

It's not just wallpaper though the carpets are dreadful in the room.

He will take me to court, he's like that. His ex (that he's been split from for 5 years) still hasn't managed to get her name off the mortgage for their house. He's spun me so many stories of why he's blocked her with all his solicitors, but to be honest now he's like this with me I'm thinking that it's because he wants to control her new relationship. She's engaged and just wants to move on.

isseywithcats Fri 08-Apr-16 14:54:46

i know today it dosent seem like it but you will be better off without this bullying, overbearing, controlling, woman hitting man, the baby wont be bothered wether he/she has posh wallpaper and a posh cot, so dont worry about that, live each minute one minute at a time for today, then tommorow onwards you will find it will get easier, change the locks on your house so he cant just walk in, change the sim on your phone so he cant use that as a weapon and if he turns up and threatens you verbally phone the police and get it logged, and all the best with the new baby x

Impossiblesituation06 Fri 08-Apr-16 14:58:52

He's given me the keys back so can't get in at all. I've said I'll call the police if he just turns up but he said that just proves how mad I am and how much I blow things out of proportion.

I honestly feel like he's going to ruin mine and my sons life. My son goes into hospital a lot, and he went from when we were together saying he would always be there for the baby if he had to go in (his work is good with being flexible on these situations) which is why we started trying, to now saying he won't help at all so I've that to
Worry about too. He even says that he will block permission for the baby to have the MMR because he thinks it causes disabilities (I think it's a load of shit and want my children immunised) when we were together he never said any of this. It's like he's going to do everything he can to upset me forever

isseywithcats Fri 08-Apr-16 15:07:56

if hes not registered as the father of the baby he cant block anything, do you have any official help like a social worker for your son speak to them and see what help they can give you, phoning the police will only prove whata bully he is not how mad you are so dont worry about that my ex used to turn things he had done round to being my fault i got over it eventually when we split, now you have split the real him is coming out, what you said about how he treats his ex wife is very telling about him as a persdon read back what you have written and anylise it thats the real him not the faslse man who had what he wanted and kept him happy by being under his control, bullies hate anyone who stands up to them and shows thier weaknesses

Impossiblesituation06 Fri 08-Apr-16 15:12:50

I know he's not a good person. I know I'm not mad, I am anxious about the baby, but surely that's to be expected when I have one disabled child and have lost two during pregnancy? I'm still living my life.

Impossiblesituation06 Fri 08-Apr-16 15:14:51

If I don't put him on the birth certificate he will just take me to court and make me anyway, so I might as well. He will do anything to keep control of us.

He wants me to have an abortion I think, that's what he keeps saying. But I couldn't go through with that

isseywithcats Fri 08-Apr-16 15:16:01

of course you are anxious i would be all i can do as a mom and grandmother myself is send you a big cyber hug xx

RickOShay Fri 08-Apr-16 15:17:02

Register the baby without him. If he is no there when you register the baby, he will not be named on the birth certificate and will have no parental responsibility.
I am so sorry you are going through this. You have done nothing wrong, and you deserve love and happiness. flowers

Impossiblesituation06 Fri 08-Apr-16 15:26:43

Thanks. But if I don't register the baby as his he will take me to court, and I don't have the time to go to court as it is, never mind with a newborn baby.

Lemonylemon Fri 08-Apr-16 15:33:04

He may threaten to take you to court all he likes, but I would bet a pound to a dollar that it's all hot air.

Impossiblesituation06 Fri 08-Apr-16 15:33:49

I would say that too if I hadn't seen him going to court and hiring solicitors just to make his exes life a living hell

Pollyputhtekettleon Fri 08-Apr-16 15:38:36

Firstly I think you are doing amazingly in what is honestly looking objectively a horrifically stressful situation with a very abusive man.

Secondly, don't worry about the cigarette, absolutely no big deal in the grand scheme if it all and won't have done your baby any harm. It wouldn't be great to smoke 20 a day for the whole pregnancy but the odd one here or there, especially if it calms you, is a non-issue.

Now the important bit. Get away from this man. You can and will be a good mother to this baby and your ds as long as you are independent from this man. Don't worry about him taking you to court. As long as you can keep him out of your head and stay focused on being a decent mum to your kids, you will always have far more rights and a better position in the courts as a mum. Many good dad's suffer terribly because of the discrimination against fathers in the courts but in your case, it's a good thing.

You have the upper hand here just so long as you can stay strong and start blocking him from your life. Start documenting all abusive behaviour by him so that you can keep it straight in your head if the time comes to stand up against him over custody.

Good luck with your pregnancy. Your health (mental and physical) and your baby's and ds's is the most important thing right now.

isseywithcats Fri 08-Apr-16 15:42:22

im not sure if he can make you put his name on the birth certificate and then he would have to pay you child maintanance

Dollius01 Fri 08-Apr-16 15:45:56

Can you tell him you have had an abortion and then just run for the hills?....

Impossiblesituation06 Fri 08-Apr-16 15:48:06

Thanks polly for that post. It did really help. I'm really struggling today, the thought of doing it all on my own is over powering me. I feel scared to death.

Doll we live in the same small town and I can't move because of DS, so that wouldn't really be an option, someone would see me and tell him.

nicenewdusters Fri 08-Apr-16 15:58:14

All excellent advice above. Absolute scumbag of a man. He has no interest in the baby, he keeps telling you he doesn't even want it to be born. It's just another way for him to try and bully and control you.

You have your own home, he has no right to come in, and you don't have to name him on the birth certificate. It will be just you and your two children. He's got an ex wife, an OW and now another ex partner. I'm sure most of what he's saying is just bluster, he's annoyed you've seen through him and left him. He'll rant and rave for a bit then no doubt move on to his next victim.

You are none of the things he's said. Block him out of your life. You have no reason to engage with him. Definitely log all the violence, aggression and bullying with the police. Also, don't keep his behaviour secret from your friends and family. You have nothing to be ashamed of. They should know what you've been through and what he is really like - although I suspect they already know/have guessed.

CallMeMaybe Fri 08-Apr-16 16:13:20

Well, you're not married, have no assets together, the only way he feels he can control you is through the baby. Do you need this man's money? Given the choice between no maintenance and this abusive arsehole having an input into both yours and your child's life, I'd be tempted to wave goodbye to anything from him and tell him that the baby isn't his so he needn't worry.

There's not much he'd be able to do with that, especially if you didn't put him on the birth certificate.

MatildaTheCat Fri 08-Apr-16 16:33:17

Hello, midwife here. So sorry you are facing such worries and stresses.

Firstly,you must call the Police and put the assaults on file. You don't have to pursue a prosecution if you don't wish to. They will flag you as vulnerable and respond to any calls quickly and also, if there are any further incidents they will be considered.

Next talk to your midwife and health visitor. They are very well trained in domestic abuse and will be able to signpost you to other agencies for support. For the sake of safeguarding your child and unborn child do not engage with this man, he is dangerous.

You will cope. Do you have any friends and family? Ask for their support. There are many charities that help with baby equipment and there may be some who will help with essential repairs. Are you getting all the benefits you are entitled to?

Try not to smoke. It helps for approx 5 minutes and then just demands more from you. Again your midwife can help but since you've stopped -amazing, well done- it's a pity to go back.

You have done the hardest bit. Do not let him back and try not to be scared of his threats. You do not have to name him on the bc as far as I know and he does have to pay cm. If he is proven abusive his visiting rights will be curtailed.

Good luck and keep strong. Keep posting here is you don't have RL support.

ricketytickety Fri 08-Apr-16 16:43:14

I'd agree with call. Don't have anyhting to do with him. Don't pt him on the bc. Talking about abortions, punching you in the stomach - you are in serious danger from him. Like matilda said, log everything with the police. I'd bet his ex reported him and he's likely to have been violent to other people too. Don't give him any power over you. Don't fear his threats of lying about your behaviour, the police will have heard it all before. Telling women they are mad/aggressive is classic abusive tactic. Call women's aid or have a look at their website too.

MrsH1989 Fri 08-Apr-16 16:49:38

To be honest if you don't need his money I would tell him it isn't his baby.

Impossiblesituation06 Fri 08-Apr-16 18:24:32

Thanks everyone. I'm not going to put him on the birth certificate. I'm not going to lie about any of it because if it does eventually go to court I don't want him to be able to have anything against me that makes me look like a dishonest person, but I don't want him on the birth certificate, mainly because I want my child fully vaccinated if nothing else.

I don't need his money, it would be helpful but seeing as my house is already set up for a little boy with toys galore, there isn't much he'll need apart from milk and nappies and clothes after the initial equipment buy, and my mum offered to buy the travel system when we found out, I've been given a travel cot and a normal cot, so it's just painting walls really and trying to do something about the carpet. The big repairs are done so it is just that and buying the mattress and two chest of drawers (DSs broke last week to add to the stress)

I'm feeling a bit calmer now. I won't smoke again. I quit the moment I got the blue line even though it was hard, I don't know why I had one today, but I don't feel like I want another one now at all. I don't like doing anything while pregnant that could affect the baby because I know how delicate they are.

I'm so tired now though. I'm panicking about having a newborn and a disabled child all on my own.

notnearlythereyet Fri 08-Apr-16 21:05:00

Hey OP, just wanted to add if you tell him not to contact you and he still does log it with the police. every time. They will take it seriously and give you good advice, just speak to them, it is important to log it every time. You have the power to stop him, just use it

nicenewdusters Fri 08-Apr-16 21:05:21

You sound like you've sorted out a lot of things in your head, hopefully this will begin to make you feel less panicky about the future. You've coped with being pregnant, and a single parent, whilst being with an abusive man who had an affair. You had the strength to end it. You look like you have RL support. I'm sure you can do this. Of course there will be hard times, but nothing like as hard as living with your ex.

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