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How do you know it's not all (the attention) just to get sex?

(10 Posts)
Kelloggs39 Thu 07-Apr-16 20:11:50

I have a lovely new bf. He's loving, attentive, he actually listens to what I say, nothing's too much trouble etc. He's introduced me to his family & friends & he's involved me in all his hobbies/activities etc to show me what his life's all about. Yet I have this niggling doubt it's all only to get me into bed sad That as long as I satisfy his sexual needs I'm included in everything else. I don't know where I get this idea from as he's not shown a single red flag yet. I was severely abused in childhood and had a long abusive marriage which ended a year ago. Somehow I find it hard to get my head round that his considerate behaviour might be real & sincere. How do you know? (We've been together 6 months)

Casmama Thu 07-Apr-16 20:15:38

The simple answer is that you don't but on the balance of probability I would suggest that if he was just after sex then he wouldn't find it too difficult to find someone who would have sex with him sooner than six months into a relationship.
I think you need to try and trust that he is genuine for your own sake as much as his- sometimes you need to take a risk emotionally to be truly happy.

Kelloggs39 Thu 07-Apr-16 20:26:50

We didn't wait 6 months for sex blush

BartholinsSister Thu 07-Apr-16 20:35:52

He might be wondering the same about you, Kelloggs.

Casmama Thu 07-Apr-16 20:43:16

Oh sorry I misunderstood- no need for you to be embarrassed at all- I didn't even wait 6 days with my dh so no judgment here grin
The rest of my post stands though- I think this is probably more about you than it is about him and by allowing yourself to doubt him all the time it is your own happiness that you are sabotaging. It is totally understandable given your history but I think you should try and have a little faith that he wants you for you and not just sexual services.

Qwebec Thu 07-Apr-16 20:58:04

Well I guess everyone is different. I knew when he was taking his time with sex, when he stopped as soon as I made the smallest hint that I was not willing. His attitude did not change because I refused and he did not pressure me.
All my exes made me feel responsable for their lust. I was shocked when I realised that saying no was ok.

Take your time. Establishing trust does not happen overnight. For me being opens, talking and asking loads of questions to understand his experience and point of view made me feel much more at ease.

pocketsaviour Thu 07-Apr-16 21:08:46

OP I'm sorry you had such a hard time in childhood. Have you ever had therapy to address this? I'd suggest that your insecurity around sex is related to this. I'm familiar with it myself as a fellow victim of child sex abuse: I believed that I was only loved and valued by men if I was giving them sex, because the only male adult close to me treated me like that.

Czerny88 Thu 07-Apr-16 21:20:59

As for where you get the idea that he's only interested in sex, I think you answer that in your following sentence. But it all sounds very positive to me, particularly introducing you to family and friends.

lavenderhoney Thu 07-Apr-16 22:06:26

Having sex / intergratng you into his life with family, friends, hobbies is quite positive- are you doing the same?

Ask him. And perhaps you need to read a little or realise that sex is part of a loving relationship where you have intimacy and enjoy a life together. From what you say it's a whole new curve for you. It sounds good, take it slowly, enjoy time by yourself doing what you want too, even if it's cleaning or watching tv, gym.

TheNaze73 Fri 08-Apr-16 07:30:31

lavender makes an excellent point. Some people get absorbed in new relationships. Get the balance right with time for yourself, friends & family etc. With the amount of nsa sex that is avaliable, to those who want it, it doesn't sound like he's in it for one thing to me. If you were in the sex only envelope, you wouldn't have been intergrated into his life, as much as you have been IMO. Enjoy, he sounds like a good guy

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