Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Practical reasons to get married

(18 Posts)
HeffalumpHistory Thu 07-Apr-16 08:54:03

I wasn't sure if relationships was the right place for this? Apologies if not.

I would like to get married, for lots of reasons. DP isn't fussed but also when the discussion comes up, he states that it is "just a piece of paper" so is not really sure what my fuss is. We don't have a lot of money & he sees it as an expense we just don't need.
DISCLAIMER:- definitely not after a princess dress & big party! (My idea of hell)

I know in my head that I want to get married for security but I find it hard to articulate what I mean.
I want to be his NOK, to have a say in arrangements should the worst happen, to protect myself & in a lot of ways for him to be equally protected financially.
I want to have the same surname as my DC (I will not be changing by deed poll as suggested by mil angry)

I have always wanted to get married & he has always known this, but reading MN, articles & also a thing I saw on tv a few months ago have all added to this. On the tv thing a woman had been with her do something like 15years but was not seen as anything but an acquaintance when he suddenly died.

So, can you help me put this into actual words?
Not to come at him with a fight, just to get what I mean straight in my own head.

For what it's worth, DP is lovely despite my moans about him at times & fully committed to both me & our DC, I have no doubt there

2ManySweets Thu 07-Apr-16 08:58:22

To me NOK = Norwegian Kroner. What is NOK in this context?

All joking aside I'm in a very similar boat so placemarking here.

Goingtobeawesome Thu 07-Apr-16 09:00:46

It's not just a piece of paper. It's legal protection. Makes you next of kin. Etc

But, if it means so little to him, why not give you these teeny tiny irrelevant thing than you want..

HeffalumpHistory Thu 07-Apr-16 09:06:40

Haha sorry 2many Next of Kin!

That is a good point Going & I'll more than happily run away to do it rather than the whole party shebang but he knows that would cause agro with his manipulative mother.
Maybe that's where my problems lie....

HeffalumpHistory Thu 07-Apr-16 12:39:00

Any tips??

GnomeDePlume Thu 07-Apr-16 13:25:13

Practically, marriage gives a number of things which you could do separately but with a visit to a solicitor:

- NOK (next of kin). Without this his DM is next of kin. Doesnt matter in the normal run of things but if either of you were unable to make decisions for yourselves then these decisions would not necessarily fall to the partner
- Inheritance: if there is no will then your DCs inherit not partner. If there are no children then parents inherit
this is a useful guide

If married, legally you are in a relationship with each other. It is not possible to be legally married to more than one person at a time. A marriage exists until it is dissolved by death or divorce.

At some point you are both going to die or separate. It is a fact. Marriage will make your rights in that situation far clearer.

You can marry with just a couple of witnesses. You dont need to tell your MiL if you dont want to.

PurpleWithRed Thu 07-Apr-16 13:33:22

- Next of kin - and this is a 'when' situation, not an 'if' situation
- Inheritance - ditto
- easier if you separate (ironic) if you have joint assets and/or children and/or unequal incomes

And if it's just a piece of paper, then what's his objection to just nipping down to the registry office and doing the deed in a very quiet way?

Jaimx86 Thu 07-Apr-16 13:33:51

Maybe he is worried wedding plans could spiral if he says yes. I never wanted to get married and still don't really but MN has pointed out some legal factors that would be beneficial to us.

DP proposed regardless (even though my parents even warned him if possibly say no) and my response was 'Don't be ridiculous!'. Proposal was so lovely and DP was so upset I thought that I'd do it for him if it meant so much.
I planned a lovely elopement to NY, but DP wants the whole big wedding.

Maybe your DP is worried about the same happening to him. Not saying you'd do that, just that it could be a worry of his.

FurryGiraffe Thu 07-Apr-16 13:36:37

While as Gnome says you can achieve some of the legal protections of marriage in other ways (ie make wills leaving everything to each other) it is worth bearing in mind that these things can also be 'undone'. In other words, yes, your DP could make a will leaving you everything, but he can also subsequently make a further will leaving everything to Battersea Dogs Home without telling you. Marriage (and the rights that follow it) cannot be undone without your knowledge.

HeffalumpHistory Thu 07-Apr-16 14:05:00

Thank you all smile
I really appreciate your advice & get it clear in my own head.

I'm well up for popping down rotor the registry office if anyone fancies being a witness grin

We're sorting life insurance/other formal things over next couple of nights before he goes away for work so it will give me a chance to speak with him again

chaosagain Thu 07-Apr-16 14:45:37

The other thing for me is financial fairness if you have disparity in earnings. If one of you is facilitating the other's career because you're doing the majority of work in the home and raising children, if you were to divorce, this is recognised in the division of assets.

For me, in the joint decision we made of me taking a career and income hit to move to part time work, being married means that should we split, our assets will be split (even though I don't currently pay the mortgage) and the process would ensure adequate housing costs for everyone, children especially. Not romantic, but to me this was a crucial legal protection that recognises the worth of our relative family roles in a worst-case scenario.

Diamogs Thu 07-Apr-16 15:37:21

Lots of stuff covered by previous posters but one thing that cannot be covered off by wills / life insurance etc is Widowed Parent's Allowance

Rafflesway Thu 07-Apr-16 16:24:47

If your DP suggests going down the solicitor/legal paperwork route rather than marriage -hopefully not! - then please point out to him that this would cost CONSIDERABLY more than a quickie wedding with just a couple of witnesses and STILL doesn't cover everything that marriage does.

Good luck Heffa and keep us posted. Also well done Jaim smile

GnomeDePlume Thu 07-Apr-16 16:46:10

Something else to remember with making legal arrangements rather than marriage is that these can be changed unilaterally.

Marriage is legally exclusive. Unfortunately domestic arrangements arent.

I know it all looks negative but marriage legally creates the relationship. Otherwise you are legally just two people sharing a letterbox.

HeffalumpHistory Thu 07-Apr-16 19:17:59

That's a good point!
Thank you all smile really appreciate it!

HeffalumpHistory Sun 10-Apr-16 19:56:59

Well, we never got around to any alone time to sort paperwork & for me to discuss all the points above.
Now he's away for 2weeks work so I guess I'll remain unmarried & living in sin a while longer grin

MadameMaxGoesler Mon 11-Apr-16 00:14:48

This is a useful guide to the differences between marriage and cohabitation:
www.citizensadvice.org.uk/relationships/living-together-marriage-and-civil-partnership/living-together-and-marriage-legal-differences/

FredaMayor Mon 11-Apr-16 11:42:48

IMO your DP's attitude may boil down to not seeing a need to change the status quo between you because he has all he wants from the relationship, thank you very much, or that he has make his own arrangements regarding his will and doesn't want to change that. Incidentally, that 'piece of paper' will cost £200 at the very most for the no-frills option at any register office.

DP is regarding your feelings as 'fuss'? hmm
If it were me I would suggest DP should pxxx or get off the pot. Don't let yourself be made a fool of, OP.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now