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How can I get over my ex

(13 Posts)
lambadama Wed 06-Apr-16 12:53:18

I really think I need some help, I broke up with my ex back in November and I just can't seem to move on. It's so embarrassing because I know I should have moved on by now so don't feel able to talk to anyone about it in RL. I've got past the gut wrenching, crying everyday heartbreak and I'm currently casually dating someone but I can't help but think of him everyday. I still miss him and feel like I've lost my soul mate.

I broke up with him because we were long distance (another country 10 hours flight away) and I could tell he was bullshitting me delaying plans to move here. He was also taking longer to reply to messages, ringing me less and we stopped skyping altogether. I know I ended things so don't have a right to know how he's doing but I guess Part of the reason I ended it was I was hoping he would realise what he'd lost and try harder to rebuild our relationship. We were together 1.5 years and I can honestly say I've never met anyone who I have clicked with so well. He was my best friend and I really miss his support. I was so proud of him and we shared so many good times together.

I tried to go NC but broke in February and called him crying saying I loved him. He told me he loved me too but had met someone else and wanted to make it work with them.

I asked if he loved her and he said no and that he had told her all about me (weird!!) and was asking if I had met someone (I hadn't at the time). He said he wanted to be friends and that he would text me when he had a new phone at the end of the month so he could download Skype and whatsapp but I never heard from him again. He's come off Facebook too. I'm just so sad that I don't even mean enough to him to be friends.

I'm just scared that he was my soul mate and I let him go. I've tried everything to stop thinking about him including focusing on myself, spending more time with friends and family and throwing myself into work and house projects but I still miss him everyday and it hurts knowing he's happy with another woman.

How can I move on from this?? Do you think he ever loved me? How can he just blank me like this if he did?

BrandNewAndImproved Wed 06-Apr-16 12:56:41

He wasn't your best friend as a friend wouldn't of treated you like that.

I really recommend the book no contact rule by Natalie lue.

thestamp Wed 06-Apr-16 12:59:57

it takes time my love. I'm sorry it hurts so much. but it's such early days. you've got to give yourself lots of time spent nc with him before you'll feel better.

some key points... not sure if they will help but i do think you need to reframe your thinking a bit tbh...

there's no such thing as a soul mate. there are literally hundreds of thousands of people on this planet who you could have a lovely relationship with. think about that! he is not as special as you think. he really isn't.

long distance rs often cause us to idealise the person far, far too much. you don't see the warts and all version day to day, and you build up a fantasy, which can feel impossible to let go of when things go wrong. remember he has been able to show you his best side only for 1.5 years... of course you feel he is the most wonderful thing ever...

push him off the pedestal op. he's just a man, and, by the sounds of it, not a very nice one. or at the very least, a fairly weak one. he was blatantly losing interest in the rs and yet seemed to prefer that you be the one to break it off. that's honestly quite cruel of him.

and then to say he'll stay in contact and just kind of ignore that and not contact you again? i mean, it is better that way anyway, but it's blatant cowardice to say one thing, to keep you happy in the moment, and then not follow through.

he's just a man. he's not the centre of the universe. you can get along without him. just remember he is just a man, not an angel or a soul mate. you've got to give yourself time op.

lambadama Wed 06-Apr-16 13:21:56

Thank you both for your comments. I will try to find that book, I know NC is the best way to get over this.

I think I have put him on a pedestal. I loved everything about him and I thought we had planned our whole lives together. To lose all of that in a few months is so hard. I also have children from a previous marriage and he had started to build a relationship with them too only to drop it all in a heartbeat. It hurts knowing he never cared for them either.

When I last called him I did lose some respect for him. He spent most of the conversation saying he loved me and that I was his soul mate too and asked me what I wanted him to do, should we try again etc. I said yes and then right at the end of the conversation he said he wanted to make it work with the other women and said he loved me in a way that I knew was him saying goodbye. He clearly enjoyed the ego boost. I guess I can't judge him, I said some awful things after we broke up as we stayed in contact but he messed me around (e.g not calling when he said he would and going A.W.O.L for days to the point where I got so worried about him I called his brother) but I did apologise for this.

I can't understand why he wanted to tell me his new gf knows all about me.

I think this new relationship I'm in isn't helping really either. It was a nice distraction at first but I compare them constantly. My new dp isn't as affectionate and I don't feel like we could ever have the friendship me and my ex had which makes me miss him all the more.

It's just so unfair that he has found it so easy to move on. It hurts knowing he lost interest as I've internalised this, I feel like there must be something wrong with me. That I'm not 'as good' as the new womansad

BrandNewAndImproved Wed 06-Apr-16 13:37:24

She also has a website with articles and podcasts. It's called baggage reclaim and it's really good.

lambadama Wed 06-Apr-16 18:08:55

Thanks Brandnew, I have checked out this website before. I'm really struggling to accept he's an arse though, I just can't see him that way even though he behaved like one during our last conversation.

Has anyone ever said they will stay friends with their ex and then disappeared? If so, what were your motives behind it? I guess I just want to know why as I've kidded myself into thinking it will give me closure.

Has anyone ever broken up with someone who they thought they were 'the one' and happily moved on? I know logically that I can't stay in love with him forever but I just need to stop obsessing over the what ifs and whys. Will I ever stop regretting breaking up with him?

CockacidalManiac Wed 06-Apr-16 18:16:47

No advice because I've been in a similar situation, and nothing really helped. It's horrible though, so flowers for you

lambadama Wed 06-Apr-16 20:49:28

Thanks for the flowers Cockacid, here's some for you too thanks

Have you managed to move on or are you still going through this?

Teaandcakeat8 Wed 06-Apr-16 20:53:11

OP you have to cut contact with him. I don't fully believe he has met someone else or that he has told her all about you. He sounds like a weak man that needs his ego boosted by you whilst trying to live his new life. Please stop giving him this attention.

He's a 10 hour flight away, honestly this is such a blessing. Delete him from everything; remove and block him on social media, delete his number. You've given into temptation before and so you need to remove this. He is not your friend and he can't be.

People do just fall in and out of love, there's not always a clear reason and it's such a waste of energy trying to find out why. Time will help but every time you make contact you are back to square one.

Teaandcakeat8 Wed 06-Apr-16 20:55:51

Ps 3 months ago my ex dp cheated on me and left me for a much younger girl that we both work with (all in an open plan office). I have to see them every day. I thought I'd never get over it.

3 months later and I'm feeling SO much better. One day I just woke up and thought, I'm fed up of feeling like this. Not saying I don't have fleeting moments of panic or grief but it's manageable and I know it will pass. You will turn this corner.

And also I would say maybe stop seeing the other guy and take some time out for yourself.

lambadama Wed 06-Apr-16 21:11:28

Teaandcake, that's awful. I'm so sorry you have had to go through this but I'm glad to hear you are in a better place now.

I completely take your advice on board, however I've not had any contact with him since February and I still feel completely in love with him. That's what scares me, it's all in my head and I'm not even talking to him to keep my feelings there. I'm torturing myself. He's come off Facebook (or has blocked me) so has completely disappeared from my life which is what hurts me so much.

I know I should stop dating the other guy but I'm scared I'll feel even more desperate and alone if I do that.

My exH was a complete arse so it was so much easier to get over our relationship ending because I knew it was for the best. With my exbf, he never did anything bad to me which makes it so much harder letting go.

I just can't accept I will never speak to him or see him again and feel like time is running out as the longer he is with this new girl, the more likely it is that he will fall in love with her and she will have all the things we planned together.

Surely after 5 months after splitting up I should be over him? What if I never get over him?

shock

ElllieB1 Wed 06-Apr-16 21:27:33

You need to take back some control, Iv been there. It's horrible but you have to move on. I know it's hard when you don't get answers and they sod off, but he's told you it's over, he is seeing someone else. It's over and tbh he doesn't sound that wonderful, a big coward who played with your feelings. Take some time for you. There is nothing wrong with being alone and getting yourself back.

Teaandcakeat8 Wed 06-Apr-16 21:33:55

Yes at first I was feeling the regret, should I have tried harder etc etc, he was so wonderful, why did I instigate the end (yes I did actually end it; the cheating only came out afterwards although I was suspicious). Honestly he is NOT the
only one for you. Please don't date someone else because you don't want to be alone. There is nothing wrong with being alone and taking back control of your life. The feelings WILL fade but there is no magic cure, although I think you can help yourself by staying busy.

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