Insecure DP - think i've massively messed up here

[CroissantsandJam]

Sorry if this is a bit rambling. Some background, divorced with 3 DC. Met DP 3 years ago and we have a 1 year old baby. The DC adore him, he's hard working, generous, doesn't drink/fight/gamble etc etc (all the usual stuff people say before the bad stuff)!

I don't really know how to say what I mean but he has a huge problem with insecurity which I think he hid very well at the beginning of the relationship. I think its probably always been there but he just hid it well or there wasn't really any opportunity for it to come out.

In general he seems to think I don't really care if he's here or not. I am quite independent which I don't think he is use to. But being happy to spend the day alone or not being bothered if he wants to go out or go fishing for the weekend. Im a grown woman and happy for us both to have our 'own' lives because we do do things together.

All of his comments are 'jokey' but not really a joke IYKWIM. Because i've pulled him up on stuff before he now just says he is joking when its clear he isn't. I'll put some examples because I realise this is all a bit rambling.

My friend got engaged. I said oh x got engaged today! His first reaction was 'oh that will be a nice hen do for you then' I said er yeah hadn't really thought about it. He said oh well maybe you'll meet someone nice to have a dance with. I said WTF are you on about, are you implying something? He said 'no just joking, if you want to dance with people you will'. Written down this seems so weird but he said it in a jokey type way.

I mentioned that I was going to join the gym. He said oh you can come with me when I go. I said bugger off i'm going to get away from the kids lol you can have them. He said oh well you'll make some new friends lots of nice men at the gym.

Yesterday I was out for the day with the kids and was telling him about what we had done. He said I bet you don't think about me slaving away lol. I said what are you on about of course I do. He said bollocks you do. But he says it laughing and joking.

I'm not sure if I am going mad and seeing stuff that isn't there or not. Previously we had huge insecurity stuff around my ex husband which seems to have gone now. I did give him an ultimatum that I wasn't going to spend my life with his jealousy whenever I needed to text or see ex husband around kid stuff. After that it seemed to stop but this low level joking insecurity is still ongoing.

My worry is that because DD is only a year old he doesn't really have any experience of 'me' without small DC i.e. going out with friends, weekends away, having my own life and as she gets older it will just get worse as I become more independent from small DC.

Any thoughts?

[ArmfulOfRoses]

I don't think he's insecure or joking
I think he's accusing you of cheating.

It sounds awful to have this every time you want to leave the house and even when you don't, like the imagined hen do scenario.

[CroissantsandJam]

Yes its always an implication that I might cheat. Or that I don't care about him being here and that I wouldn't be bothered if he was gone.

I was a single mother for 3 years so no I am quite ok on my own! That doesn't mean I don't love him or need him here.

The examples I used were quite extreme and overt, most of it is very low level comments which make me seem like i'm crazy when I pull him up on it.

[ArmfulOfRoses]

So does he make out it's you with the problem when you pull him up on it then?
I imagine you're too sensitive or hearing things he isn't saying?

[CroissantsandJam]

Yes being too sensitive or he is clearly 'just joking'. He then leads with 'why did you immediately think I was getting at that'

[ArmfulOfRoses]

He knows what he's doing.

[FluffyPersian]

He totally knows what he's doing. He also knows it's inappropriate, which is why he caveats it with 'I'm joking'.

I wouldn't be able to cope with it and would seriously consider whether the relationship is worth being in as his comments and 'jokes' sound draining.

Then again, if he is joking, you could always reply 'I never even THOUGHT about the hen night, you're right.. I hope there's lots of cock around' .. and when he says anything, say 'I'm joking, just like you?'

And 'Yeah, I'd love to make some more male friends in the gym... the more sexy they are, the better' ....

I imagine he won't find that funny.

The concern is - the longer you deal with his 'jokes' , the more you'll question yourself and potentially end up not doing certain things to ensure he doesn't 'joke' and before you know it, he's controlling you, you don't go anywhere or do anything as you don't like what he says when you try...

[Allnamesaretakenffs]

Jesus, how exhausting and irritating that a grown man like that is acting like an immature little boy.

[Branleuse]

that doesnt sound like low level insecurity, thats pretty much him constantly accusing you of cheating. How incredibly tiring for you

[Snoopydo]

Oh alarm bells going off for me. I was in a year long relationship exactly like that, with little digs and comments about what I was up to all the time. Then he started checking up on me. I started a thread on here about it when it became stifling and I did get away but it turned nasty.

It's not insecurity it's jealousy, possessiveness and control.

Hope it's not as extreme in your case but nip it in the bud now.

You're right that it will get worse as your independence increases. He won't be able to handle it if/when you start going out more.

[Costacoffeeplease]

He sounds very controlling - not nice at all

[AnchorDownDeepBreath]

He knows what he's doing.

Tell him if he does it again, you're gone. Absolutely mean it.

Go and do the things that he's commented on - the hen night, joining the gym, anything else. Don't entertain his strange comments.

He will do it again. How soon will be telling - if he finds it easy to stop, you'll know it was deliberate but he might also be able to just stop. If he does it again pretty soon, you'll know it has become habit, but that his jealousy and need for control is already quite bad.

When he does, ask him to leave for a bit. Show him that you're serious.

The alternative is, as you've said, that he'll get worse and worse and feel more and more convinced that you're going to cheat and replace him, and he'll make your life hell. He already seems to believe that you shouldn't have contact with other men, you shouldn't be near them.

[LemonBreeland]

He's trying to stop you doing these things. He is trying to wear you down over time to stop you having any life of your own. He is not joking, he is being a controlling bastard.

[HopIt]

I was in a relationship like that, it escalated to a point where I wasn't even able to drive myself to work as who knows what I'd get upto in the commute.
If I was what he considered "too long" in tesco I would be accused of meeting someone.

You need to address this now, it won't go away and it will probably get worse. I started to reply with "oh fuck off" but eventually it resulted in me not going as it was just easier.

[genuineguy79]

Have you ever cheated in the past? Not necessarily on him...is he referring to some past history you have? It's no excuse for his behaviour and I'm not suggesting its an excuse either...just trying to understand where he's coming from ?

[CodyKing]

My DH was like this at the start - would ring on a night I wasn't seeing to check of its OK for him to go out ... Drive me insane because I never asked his permission to go out - why would I?

I always had a reply to "Oh was there men there" ... Like the above posters say - make it his issue not yours


He's fine now his had some training!

[VinceNoirLovesHowardMoon]

It's controlling behaviour. He's punishing you for wanting to do things that he doesn't approve of in a nasty, passive aggressive way that you can't even challenge because it's 'just a joke'
Nip it in the bud, or get ready to get very depressed

[fuzzywuzzy]

This man is emotionally abusive. This is a massive red flag. He will keep this up till you stop going out and stop dressing up and stop having a life of your own, even then he will always make 'jokes' /outrageous accusations.

ex was like this.

[CodyKing]

Depends on the type of woman you are - I never let it get to me - never rose to it - ignored him -

[ArmfulOfRoses]

I imagine the end goal is that you never go out, have to show timed receipts for supermarket trips, remove male friends from fb.

[Joysmum]

I was in a relationship where I was insecure like your DP, I still am 22 years on and we've been very happy.

This was because (unlike many of the posters before me) he didn't see my insecurities as a red flag, he was just very sad that I was so insecure and just wanted me to see and value myself as he did.

So we were open in our feelings and dealings with it. I didn't make my insecurities about him, and he certainly didn't see them as that either.

So there were no jokes from him about other pussy bring about if I was feeling uncomfortable, nor were there ultimatums as that would have just led me to try to hide my fears rather than working through them and dealing with them head on. He saw that my insecurities were the product of a previous relationship gone very wrong and didn't try to turn into anything about him.

I certainly never tried to control him or manipulate but it was vital that we could talk and sometime I needed to 'joke' because I was so frightened. Luckily he understood of that.

If I'd tried to change him or tried to find fault in his words and deeds then that would be something completely different, so if this is going to be one of those threads were his jokes are the tip of the iceberg and he's manipulative or controlling then obviously my experiences should be disregarded. If it is just that he's insecure and nothing more, then hopefully my story might be of use.

[CroissantsandJam]

There's no past history of cheating.

I had fun during my single days and he's using it against me. Lots of references to me liking to flirt, go out etc.

[annandale]

OK I can say that my dh had a 'jealous' streak in the early years of our relationship - not straight away but about 6 years in. It was partly because he was very ill and psychotic at that time. His illness obviously made it very difficult for him to work normally and he went through some big changes at that time. He struggled massively with any contact at all I had with men. It was infuriating and depressing as it affected the way I behaved with men; I found it particularly hard because I went to an all girls' school and have always found it tricky to relax around men, then as I was getting into my 40s I really felt more free of the whole sexual side and more confident about being just myself, and then this happened!

I kind of played along to some extent I must admit. I was careful about what I said and did around men for a while, and I'm not proud of that. I may say that it was dh at that time who developed a crush on another woman and tried to kiss her, so possibly he felt that we were both in that place.

What I can say though is that as our relationship has got longer, dh relaxed - also he is quite a lot better.

I think my advice would be to hang on in there, but don't let him get away with 'I was only joking'. I'd say that these comments clearly come from insecurity, you don't appreciate his lack of trust, but you're willing to work with him to improve how he feels. However, this working with him absolutely must not include stopping going out and doing your own thing, which is presumably part of what he fell in love with. I personally wouldn't go for the joking back at him thing, as ideally you would like him to stop these comments. I'd rather let him know that it is a big deal to be so untrusting of the person he claims to love. Give him the reassurance of your love but show him that love absolutely doesn't mean being clamped together 24/7 and if he wants that he should -fuck off move on.

[LuluJakey1]

I couldn't be bothered with him. It is pathetic behaviour.

[Snoopydo]

When you say in your title 'think I've messed up here' do you mean you are questioning your whole relationship?

[JellyBean31]

Sounds like my stbxh... That's the main reason he's my stbxh.. Only difference is he was the same from the start but I made excuses for him (1st wife cheated on him; lost both parents within 3 weeks of each other) eventually I ran out of excuses.

Your DP will never change, and as much as you try to make sure him carrying on like this doesn't change you or your personality, it will eventually if you stay with him. I woke up one day and realised I didn't know who I was anymore.