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Dh forbids uncle to see kids

(17 Posts)
Ginga66 Wed 06-Apr-16 00:15:19

I will try to give a short version of this. I am married for eight years with dh for 11. We have 3 kids ages 7, 3 and 9 mths. I met my dh through my younger brother A . They were best mates, very close, very similar interests etc. but A was in an affair and became quite selfish in his behaviour. He starts being arrogant and unthinking and upset me which in turn upset dh. Then one day he tried to tell dh what to do about something and dh stopped talking to him, that was at beginning of our marriage. Because I thought dh over react I took A side and for first year of marriage we argued a lot over it. Because of this dh resented A even more . Over time he did not want to mend things. A eventually wrote a letter of apology which DH did not even read.
Dh became entrenched in his hatred of A. Made me take his paintings off wall in our house. A stopped coming to the house and I would meet him elsewhere.
Then last year A and his girlfriend had a baby girl. They lived in Holland. Two weeks ago A came to UK to look for work etc. I went to meet him with kids. When I came back DH said he does not want kids seeing him or the woman or their cousin.
I got very upset and angry and said I would not agree to such nonsense. DH left and went to sleep in van.
We sort of made up but only because I agreed to what he said. I cannot get my head around it. In truth A will prob not settle in UK but go abroad. This relationship with gf may not last and I don't get to Skype much so contact would be limited anyway. But Havin grown up with very little contact with my extended family I want my children to have some. To make matters worse DH sister came to visit and I could not stand being around DH playing with kids and her.
DH father is an asshole and he is not in touch with him either. But even so I feel depriving kids is wrong.
Bottom line is I am on mat leave and going back to very difficult job next week. I have ongoing heal issues with bad back. two of the kids are very poor sleepers which means I am constantly tired. DH and I both work and there is a lot of shared housework.
I love him and I don want him to leave. And if he left because I put my foot down then I would not really enjoy spending time with my brothers family anyway, it would be soured.
But equally I feel I am being controlled. I will not be able to be around when kids see his siter now as will feel too resentful. It will always be between us.
But I can't tell kids I let your dad leave so you could Skype your cousin.
I am very upset and sick to my stomach with this situation. I would appreciate honest considerate feedback as I feel I cannot really be objective at all.

GiddyOnZackHunt Wed 06-Apr-16 00:23:54

Your loyalty lies first with your dc, then your DH and thirdly your family.
If your situation was reversed and your DH was insisting his mother was above reproach would you acquiesce? Happily? Grudgingly? Not at all?
The pre existing friendship adds an extra layer.

NewYearsAoibhe Wed 06-Apr-16 00:37:43

I don't think OP is saying her brother is 'above reproach', she's just saying she wants a normal relationship with him confused . Hardly too much too ask.

I feel for you, OP, it sounds like a very tough situation and you make it clear that you love your DH and don't want this to split you up. But unless your brother did something really awful, something unforgiveable, then your DH is being massively unfair to you by trying to deny you and your children a relationship with your brother. He's your brother, not some friend you can just move on from.

Did you tell your DH how resentful you've felt about seeing him free to enjoy his sister's company with your children? I would feel exactly the same way. My relationship with DH does come before my relationship with extended family, including my brother, in day to day matters. For example if I had a dilemma about where to be at an important time for each of them, I'd choose to be with DH every time. But if DH ever expected me to cut my brother out of my life or tried to control my relationships with my own family in this way, our marriage would be over.

NewYearsAoibhe Wed 06-Apr-16 00:44:43

I should have been more clear, though, that I'm 100% confident that DH never would try to control my family relationships like this, or expect me to forget I have a brother. Because it is not normal behaviour, it's massively, massively unreasonable and controlling behaviour, and it's not how decent men who respect their partners behave. I'm sorry.

Ginga66 Wed 06-Apr-16 01:01:09

I know it is not normal is it. It is EA surel. I have just been on another thread about it. I cannot believ I am n this situation. And if u had asked me a decaf ago I would ave said I would le him leave ad it is just too weird, but with 3 kids I just can't have this be the reason. And I did kin of put A on a pedestal yes, not beyond reproach bu I did side with him too much. But he has done nothing awful so no good reason for this insane demand.

zippey Wed 06-Apr-16 01:34:59

Could you ask how he would react if you asked him to stop seeing his sister or his mum?

Too controlling.

Canyouforgiveher Wed 06-Apr-16 02:09:35

Because it is not normal behaviour, it's massively, massively unreasonable and controlling behaviour, and it's not how decent men who respect their partners behave. I'm sorry.

Agree.

Why is it up to you to acquiesce or leave him?

Instead why not tell him how you intend to behave (or just do it) and let him react.

So tell your husband that you will be facilitating a normal relationship between your family and your children, including the brother/uncle he doesn't like. If your brother is in the UK, you will meet him and bring your children.

let him react to that. If he wants to break up a marriage because he doesn't want his children to meet their uncle whom he isn't fond of a few times a year, he should go right ahead. but if he does, during the time you have the children, you will be perfectly free to have them meet your brother.

This may be about control of you and his children. nip it in the bud right now. hope it isn't too late or an indication of controlling tendancies generally. Because if so, if you solve the brother problem, he will move on to something else.

Controlling men do often start with isolating women from their family and the reasons for minimising contact seem normal (he doesn't like me/she doesn't treat me with respect/if you loved me you wouldn't want to spend time with people who look at me like that).

DadWasHere Wed 06-Apr-16 02:17:35

Setting aside who is right or wrong there are only three choices I can see. Split up (his choice by the sound of it), suffer (no meaningful choice is made/accepted by either of you) or surrender (your choice, but it also requires you can actually do it). Surrendering is not the same as 'agreeing to what your partner wants', not at all. A choice that festers in you like cancer only death erases is not a choice, its buried torment. Surrendering is necessary to move on. When my wife decided she did not like some paintings being on our wall, paintings that I very much liked made by someone who had been dear to me, I smashed them up and threw them in the trash. That was my personal choice to surrender rather than to leave or allow something to fester. Sometimes happiness is a very difficult choice and hard to accomplish without sacrifice and 'getting your head around it'.

Canyouforgiveher Wed 06-Apr-16 02:24:47

I presume you are on glue or something similar Dad?

If your post is true and you destroyed and threw in the trash (such an american word - lovely to see it on MN) your much loved paintings painted by someone you loved, so you could surrender to your partner... I dunno...maybe glue as a long-term solution??

kittybiscuits Wed 06-Apr-16 02:35:52

Your H is being extremely controlling Ginga. He has no authority to demand that you break contact with your brother and nor should he pressurize you to do so. He threw a toddler-style tantrum and slept in a van. Is that workable as a more permanent arrangement? If you allow him to control you then his demands and behaviour will escalate. I would contact Women's Aid for some guidance about your situation.

Agreed about Dad's comments. Bizarre.

Iflyaway Wed 06-Apr-16 02:42:17

Why are you with this man?

Or as someone on here would put it: What do you get out of this relationship?

DadWasHere Wed 06-Apr-16 05:42:45

I presume you are on glue or something similar Dad?

Oh absolutely, everyone married over twenty years to the same person keeps a tube in their pocket. I suppose I could have chimed in with the bog standard 'He is a controlling bastard, leave for your own good and that of the kids or it will certainly get worse.' but that line of thinking always gets echoed here and I did not see the point of repeating it.

They should go to couples counselling, quickly. She could try and call his bluff on the issue, no idea where that would go, but I doubt it would make the situation any better. The OP's choices are limited, some drastic and unpredictable.

Isetan Wed 06-Apr-16 06:38:47

Given your tendency to gloss over your brother's behaviour, I'm wondering what he did for your H to go NC with him and could your past attitude concerning your brother, be influencing your H's current behaviour. Whatever the history, your H is being controlling but your whole family dynamic sounds off.

Has communication always been so poor between you and your H? It sounds like past resentments on both sides, are being played out again and this tit for tat (jealousy over time your children spend with their aunt) will destroy your relationship. It's time to enter relationship counselling.

magoria Wed 06-Apr-16 07:06:59

I would like to know what happened as there are somethings I would think it is perfectly justifiable for someone to say they never want to see someone or have their DC around again.

Without that information I don't see how anyone can say if your H is being abusive, controlling or is right.

Ginga66 Sun 10-Apr-16 22:10:55

Well thank you all. Dad was here I actually get the painting thing and I did the same. Beautiful and massive copy of Venus d urbino my brother had painted as a wedding present. Better gone than a festering wound.
I supported my brother to the nth degree when they fell out. Dh bonks I put him first. His father never gav him any time . He oes need therapy but is not brac bough to d it, we tred relate and got stuck because he has no capacity for self reflection. He is also incapable of changing his mind.

Ginga66 Sun 10-Apr-16 22:11:33

Dh thinks I put him first typo

TheWeeBabySeamus1 Sun 10-Apr-16 22:19:22

I think if your DH wants nothing to do with your brother then that's absolutely his right. But he can't make that decision for you and the DC. If your brother had caused the DC harm then fair enough, but it seems like he's doing it out of resentment for you not taking his side previously.

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