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My lovely MIL and my husband(19 Posts)
My lovely mother in law is staying at the moment as her house is being decorated. I love having her stay as she is great with the kids and helps out. As she has been staying for longer than normal it's made me see my husband in a different light. Its made me realise how life is easier when you have someone else in the house who owns their side of the household responsibilities. My husband does loads around the house, but he requires organising. Examples include
Hubby does most of the cooking. Which is great as he is fab cook. However every evening whilst I am sorting out the kids for bed, by the time I come down l, dinner has not started. He is on his phone or computer. He will make out the has not realised the time, so dinner is late or its shite oven food. The kitchen is carnage, and I always spend ages tidying up after.
While MIL has been here she has organised him or helped him with dinner and we have actually had an evening. It has been so nice. We have all had leisure time in the evening.
Usually we end up eating late then, then I clean up the kitchen, then get bags etc ready for the next day and then go to bed.
Last week was bin night. They come fortnightly. I got so fed up of reminding hubby when it's bin night I made him put a reminder in his phone. Last week he forgot and the bin is full. So I said ring the council to see if they will come back & collect. Lots of ' I will do it later / yeah don't worry I will sort it'. In the end MIL got him to take all of the rubbish to the tip. If she hadn't the rubbish would still be piling up with no plan in place to get rid of it.
I have got so used to stuff not being done and can't be arsed with micro managing a grown adult, I have ended up living in home where stuff takes ages to get done.
The final straw was this morning. He used my car to take the rubbish to the tip as it has a bigger boot. He got it cleaned after and kept going on how clean my car is. I always find I end up over praising when he is like this.
But he didn't put the kids seats back in, nor did he tell me it needed doing. The car seats were in the garage and the garage key was not back in the usual place. So the end result is I am now late for work as I spent ages hunting for the key ( in his jeans pocket), then had to fit the seats, drop the kids off late and then miss my train.
The fecking annoying thing he will do stuff eventually, then I find I have to give lots of praise and thanks for his help. But really deep down I just want him to get the fuck on and do it. For example i do laundry. No one has to ask if they have cleaned ironed clothes. It is just done. I even pick up his fecking clothes off the floor. It's organised and done.
I come from a family where the men work and the women look after the house. However the woman work too so do both home and work whilst the men contribution is work. The women particularly, see hubby doing the cooking or his share of pickup and drop off with the kids and they think he is wonder dad. I always said I never wanted that life, I work hard too and wanted a family life that had a partnership with their hubby. But am just organising someone to be my partner or am I expecting too much?
I have heard MIL tell hubby he is being lazy. Why should someone keep having to tell him the bins need doing or start dinner etc. I am conscious not to slag of her son so have avoided getting involved in these conversations. He always respond in a sarcastic manner. I think that's why I don't call him up on stuff as I can't be arsed with BS or the stomping about like he has been nagged into doing something. He always has a reason and nothing is ever his fault.
Sorry for the epic post I needed to get this of my chest. Not sure how to change it, but dreading my MIL going home!
Just heading into work now so will check in later.
I don't know how you haven't gone nuclear on him before now
Tbh I think I have in the past. But I seem to have gone into a can't be bothered with the BS conversation and agro that goes into nagging him.
Plus it doesn't help my family think he is really hands on dad and husband & how lucky I am that he helps me. So when ever I try and talk to them about it I get shot down. To them because I don't cook an evening meal I am the lazy one.
What does it matter what anyone else thinks? They're not living with the lazy sod
It could be argued that he doesn't reliably cook an evening meal either
Sit down with your DH (calmly) and tell him how much you have enjoyed your MIL's visit and precisely why, which examples.
Tell him that continually having to manage him or clear up after him makes him considerably less attractive.
I'd call the riot act. tell him life would be better for all (proven by MIL getting him started on dinner) if he would just do his bit. Why isn't he clearing up the kitchen as he goes along (like all women do) Why isn't he just dropping dirty laundry in the basket in the laundry bin, rather than the floor? a item dropped, but just in the right place.
Tell him you aren't his mother, you don't want to micro manage.
You both work, the rest should be all hands on.
The car seat thing was plain laziness, & he should get a serious red card. I'd have been fucking LIVID, particularly re the missing key.
Tell him he is not pulling his weight & you could easily, not, tidy the kitchen pick up, wash or iron,....
Bollox to it. (I am probably shallower than you)
The phrase "how lucky I am that he helps me" speaks volumes. He shouldn't see what he does as helping you, he should see it as his responsibility as part of your (yours and his) family.
How long is your MIL staying with you? I'd enlist her help to see if you can form some new habits. No idea if it is true but I read somewhere it takes 30 days to make a new habit
this maybe pop culture rubbish.
If I were you, I'd raise this subject with her gently and keep it very fact based and emotionless - no slagging off DH. Sort of the things you've said above about if dinner is started early (fact) you have more time together (fact) you feel more relaxed (fact) and the whole house is happier.
Tell her how great it has been having her here and you were wondering if together you could try to encourage DH into a new routine that would work for everyone.
The other thing I would say is that people stop doing things if there are consequences.
So for the car seat thing, I would have just ordered a taxi and made him pay for it and not wasted time looking for the key. He didn't put it back, that's his problem.
If he's late starting dinner, eat alone some how (sandwich, go out to a friends house) - he's not ready, his problem. If dinner is late, and its too late for you to tidy up - don't do it. Tell him he was late doing dinner so he can tidy up.
That type of thing - stop humouring him in his laziness. Either he will buck up or you'll realise that it is a permanent situation. In which case your options become pay for more domestic help (if you can afford it), put up with it or leave him for someone more useful!
There was an excellent fred on here: "Incompetent husbands", I think it was called (hopefully somebody can link - I can't). It had a link to an article from s male blogger about how his wife left him because he didn't do his fair share of the housework.
And some of the posters had excellent strategies. I particularly loved "say out loud 'fuck you, [wife]' whenever you leave something for me to do, because that's how I'm going yo take it". I love that and am tlgping to ensure DP knows that from now on.
going to, not that gobbledygook. #badphone
free lessons from 'The Master'. Watch how your MIL trains gets DH to do his chores. Take note, timing, how she phrases things and the tone she uses. Practice makes perfect. You may need to sit down and talk about respect. Seeing as how he is so inconsiderate and not showing you much. It's never too late to change things so start today.
Thank you all for responding. I have been feeling really down about it today. It's made me realise how much I have shut myself off from what's been happening. I realised I wanted more from my relationship but as my family think the sun shines out his arse, I was expecting too much. I am also 7 months pg & dreading maternity leave as will I fall into the trap of doing the house stuff.
I have also realised today that I have lost my voice & influence at work too. Stuff is not getting done and there are constant excuses on why. There is no pressure for accountability and ownership. It makes me think I am doing something wrong as if I don't nag (or do it myself) it doesn't get done. I am a total mug.
Don't 'nag' make your expectations clear and calmly introduce consequences. Don't pick his clothes up off the floor, leave them there or put them in the bin - if he doesn't cook, get yourself something - but be prepared to follow through with it. It may work, it may not, only you can decide if you're going to put up with his passive aggress shit indefinitely
I throw any piles of clothes that finally tip me over the edge out of the window ! dirty boots in the sitting room hurled out of the french doors onto grass.... if they don't give a shit where they dump their shit neither do I.
It does me SO much good ! )
Can I just affirm?
It's not nagging
It's putting out the request, setting the workload, whatever you want to call it and repeating if those tasks have not been carried out.
If the tasks are carried out, then there's no need to repeat.
Nagging in instances like this, is a term coined by shirkers.
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