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Anyone had an eah that changed? Permanently?

(6 Posts)
MrsBluesky1 Mon 04-Apr-16 21:45:23

Or is that unrealistic?
He is of the opinion persistence beats resistance... Not funny considering.

I'm currently experiencing a super nice helpful guy, who willingly looks after his kids and is so insightful and 'will do anything to have me back.'

I don't think I feel the same towards him now and I. Can never forgive him.

But tell me, when confronted with losing you, did your man change? Could you forgive him? Did it eventually end anyway? Or is it fools hope?

nearlyhadenough Mon 04-Apr-16 22:19:14

For nearly 20 years I thought that this would be the time my H would change and keep it up for more than a week.

He has had 3 affairs, left me once, lied constantly, controlled my life, refused me affection etc. - and it's all been my fault.

Every time I have dared to challenge him, he has promised the earth. It doesn't last. Today I asked him to leave. 20 years......

No more listening to empty promises to change, no more listening to declarations of his undying love. If he loved me he wouldn't have treated me the way he did in the first place.

Think carefully, don't be me in 20 years time.

MrsBluesky1 Mon 04-Apr-16 22:47:58

I'm so sorry he's put you through that nearlyhadenough.

Yes that's exactly what I want to avoid. 7 years and 2 kids later didn't think this would happen. I'm so angry at him. All he had to do was love me and treat me like a person and I wouldn't be put in this position with a decision to make with small DC's.

"if he loved me he wouldn't have treated me the way he did in the first place" I feel this way. makes hope pointless then i suppose

MrsBluesky1 Tue 05-Apr-16 08:09:08

Anyone?

Marchate Tue 05-Apr-16 10:08:38

They turn on the 'nice man' act when it's to their advantage. Otherwise you get the real him, sadly

MalteserHound Tue 05-Apr-16 11:31:42

I am 3 years on from the point where I left him, after escalating EA over a 4 year period and occasional 'red flag' behaviour before that (we've been together 16 years in total, married for 12, one DS aged 6 years). I had exactly the same dilemma and, with pressure from my parents to give it another go, I allowed him a second chance.

He has genuinely worked hard to change, has sought out and engaged with long term therapy to address his issues regarding his father (who's death was one of the triggers for his escalation). I have not seen 'nasty husband' in all that time, he is considerate, loving and affectionate, pulls his weight in the house and engages with DS, frankly, better than I do these days. He fully admits to what he did and how it was wrong, he will discuss it with me whenever I need to. He has supported my career development and outside interests. He ticks all the boxes in Lundy Bancroft's book regarding 'recovery' (and yes I know how very rare that is). You could not wish for a more supportive partner.

And yet. Some things cannot be unsaid or undone. Once I finally relaxed around him I had something of a breakdown. I have had extensive therapy myself to deal with the trauma and the effect on my self confidence of his previous behaviour. And although the love for him has returned, the trust hasn't, at least not completely. And also I don't respect him like I used to and occasionally still feel overwhelmingly angry for what he did to me, but don't feel I can really express that anymore, as I don't want to keep hurting him by raking over old dirt. And that is eating away at me over time. He made some comment the other day about how wonderful it is to be in a relationship where you know that when the chips are down, the other person completely has your back, and I just thought 'yes, but I don't have that.'

I haven't left, but I still have one foot out of the door so to speak. I maintain a savings account in my name only (all other finance has always been joint) and I often fantasise about having my own little place. He would be gutted to hear that, for him it's very much a period in our lives that is over and he is a different person now, but I don't seem to be able to let go and I fear that despite everything I may yet end up leaving him, and it would be much harder now for DS, as he is older and much more involved with his dad than if I'd left 3 years ago when he essentially had no relationship with him.

Sorry about the epic post, I don't know if it'll help, but be aware that he is not the only one who needs to change and recover, whether you stay or not you have a long road ahead for yourself, to heal from the abuse, learn to trust your instincts again, establish your own boundaries and learn what constitutes a good relationship, and that may be much harder for you with him there, even if it's practically and socially easier to remain in the relationship.

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