I'm going to apologise for this being so long....
I suffer from bouts of severe, chronic depression and have done for the last 14 years or so but because I have never had any discernable benefit from ADs in previous bouts, have decided taking them is not a route I want to go down. In fact I have been AD free for the last 7 years or so in episodes of depression that last 3-4 months. I don't know how, but my body just seems to lift itself out of the low mood and I bounce back to normality. I doubt that is going to happen this time though because there are so many situational reasons to be depressed that I just don't see a way out of my state.
I don't want to dripfeed, but seriously there are enough issues going on that its difficult to decide exactly what is relevant. It all probably is. It boils down to being a stranger in a strange land (Brit transplanted to the USA - so seriously culturally homesick) being in the middle of an acrimonious divorce, semi-estranged from my semi-adult children who have their own lives and issues to be getting on with and have no sympathy nor interest in trying to truly understand what depression might feel like and in a relationship with a man who is not exactly what I thought he was.
He is very kind, but definitely presented as being successful - it's the American way - and whereas I have no need of his money or financial support, it has turned out he needs mine. Very much. And that has changed the dynamics of things. The first issue is one of moving in together. Because he is so kind and supportive of my depression and his home offers a safe refuge to me in a place I really don't like very much, I am planning on moving in with him. It's hardly love's young dream, but I don't like the place I am renting at all, and his is very nice. I assumed he was solvent enough to pay his rent and expenses at least but it has turned out he is always desperately short of cash so I have been paying for things in the last little while. The saving grace is that when I do live here, he should be able to manage his half share of the rent and so things might ease up a little and I might begin to feel more equal. The question is I guess, is that is it reasonable to 'trade' emotional support and kindness - I never had it in my marriage - for money? Does that seem a ridiculously mercenary way of looking at things. He is in a business of great peaks and troughs and he is apologetic now I know the truth that there have been many more troughs than peaks recently. When I do move in here, I will have the benefit of being in a beautiful apartment, feel less emotionally vulnerable as I try and cope with my depression and if I come to a decision about jacking in the whole US experience, it will be easier to walk away.
None of this probably makes too much sense. There are many other issues too, but this is the one that is troubling me the most and with which I would welcome someone else's input. I know I haven't mentioned love at all. I'm emotionally numb right now because the depression is a lead blanket over everything. But I can't stress enough how kind he has been and is being.
Please or to access all these features
Please
or
to access all these features
Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody
Relationships
I could just as easily post this in a depression or what would you do board...
13 replies
surbiton1961 · 04/04/2016 21:33
OP posts:
Please create an account
To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.